打雷的一个夜晚，风雨交加。
鹏，
是缘分还是巧合，是我们还是我而已？
我一直在想分手后的1000日，没去算何月何日，可我懂快到了。
怪自己手痒吗？
昨天发了一个晚上的烧、前前后后都不舒服的一个礼拜，
知道现在，我忽然想数数日子，结果就给我数出了这样一个天数。
一千五百日。
鹏，我和你到底是什么关系。
为什么你的一切无论我多想放下都还是这样影响着我。
我为什么对我和你的数字是那么的敏感？
我真的不懂。
完全不懂。
记得我们还在一起时，
忽然的我想数数我们在一起的天数？
一百一十一天，怎么能那么巧的对不对。
更记得你开心又惊讶，
你更是将这一天提在了你的部落里，
你说你期待二百二十二，
你说你期待三百三十三，
你说你期待很多个日子，
可鹏啊，对不起我做不到，
我们都做不到。
我们只经历了五百五十五，
我们的感情也只活了五百七十三天，
我们，就这样分手了。
接下来的日子，
如果我们还在一起，
这是我们的一千五百个日子啊。
可后来的日子只有我自己过。
也是到了今天，
我才算起了从见面第一天的日子。
是四月五日吧，鹏。
你是我的学长，也是领队的组长。
可你影响里对我有了好感的日子，
是在我们饭堂里正式见面的第一天吧。
谢谢你，谢谢你那么坚持要等我这样一个女生。
也对不起，我让你这么一个受伤了。
Darling, how do you do.
I don't feel a thing for today,
instead I had a shock when I see the counters showing the day.
How can all these be even possible to happen.
Are you watching all these?
Please tell me you do.
The last time I was on fever, was 18August2012.
The day when I know I couldn't get you back, forever.
You said you'd wear me back the ring, as I requested,
one day, in the future, if you happen to come back.
But then, you're gone forever.
And I couldn't even find the ring back.
It has been ashes leaving together with you,
in the fire, somewhere near to you,
and later to the paradise you're staying in.
At least I have something for you to bring with you.
I should feel glad about it.
Please tell me, darling,
that all these are something and the only thing you could give me.
Numbers after numbers.
Please tell me,
that somehow, I'm still a little piece in your heart,
I don't mind if I take the littlest space,
being one of the persons you would want to care about.
I appreciated, for whatever we had,
I'm appreciating, for whichever things are happening,
and I will still appreciate, everything about you and I.
Don't worry about me, in any case if you happen to.
Maybe yes, maybe not at all.
But I would want to tell you that,
Thank you,
for the days you've gone through with me,
for the days you weren't with me,
but were still there to shape me in becoming a better person.
I'm sorry, but I thank you, and I love you.
So, please be happy (and I know you definitely are), no matter where you are.
You're always missed.
I'm turning in. Goodnight.
Thursday, 25 September 2014
Tuesday, 23 September 2014
很想你，也想忘了你
和爸爸通电话了，我告诉了他我失眠的事。
爸爸问我是不是一直在想事情，我说实在我真不懂。
好像好多事想，可却空空如也。
一直在读推特的一些言词、一些有意义的词句。
我感触良多，更希望能看见一个完全符合心情的文字。
昨天今天很开心，因为晚饭有着落。
也吃的很开心，虽然头好疼，可是至少我笑得开心。
若能一直一直都这样，一直一直都能这样乐着，
虽然我不知道自己能否这样笑着一辈子。
我比我自己更希望我能永远开心。
现在懂了，小学中学纪念册里，
「开心永固」这四个字，
虽然最普通，可也最实在诚恳恰当。
试问有谁能一辈子开开心心不必烦恼不必忧愁的？
我的心在见到他时，是久违的很开心。
可我这样一个人时，是常见的很心疼。
我不懂，我更不想这样。
看见我想看见的信息，我开心的会不停呵呵笑。
朋友都说我是不是傻了，对着电话不停在笑着。
可一旦说了再见，我不懂为什么，
我有莫名的失落感，续而会想到你啊，鹏。
想着你我真的不懂思绪是飘到哪里的。
我到底是纯粹的想着，还是我在贯连着什么场景？
到底是什么让我想着你，不停不停地在想着。
有时候好像平息些，可有时候却好像变本加厉地在想着。
有时想的不单单是你，虽然也有其他人，可我真的受不了。
能过来陪我大肆地说一个晚上的话吗？
把我对你的爱透过你的言语彻彻底底放下，让我忘了你。
也许这失眠是来惩罚我的，
让我无法入眠，就无法看见你，
你也许来过，可却从来遇不上我。
对不起，我尽力了。
可我真的，我睡不着、睡不长。
我不懂为什么有时候对你的想念好像好汹涌，
有的时候却能平淡自如，不痛也不痒地。
到底为什么。
我喜欢上了人，却会去想他，
可我也想起你，却想忘了你。
我纠结。
超级的那种。
但愿这是你的搬迁，
搬进我心坎里最深处的地方，
也许那是他的迁移，
正在开拓着心坎能住的地方。
毕。
爸爸问我是不是一直在想事情，我说实在我真不懂。
好像好多事想，可却空空如也。
一直在读推特的一些言词、一些有意义的词句。
我感触良多，更希望能看见一个完全符合心情的文字。
昨天今天很开心，因为晚饭有着落。
也吃的很开心，虽然头好疼，可是至少我笑得开心。
若能一直一直都这样，一直一直都能这样乐着，
虽然我不知道自己能否这样笑着一辈子。
我比我自己更希望我能永远开心。
现在懂了，小学中学纪念册里，
「开心永固」这四个字，
虽然最普通，可也最实在诚恳恰当。
试问有谁能一辈子开开心心不必烦恼不必忧愁的？
我的心在见到他时，是久违的很开心。
可我这样一个人时，是常见的很心疼。
我不懂，我更不想这样。
看见我想看见的信息，我开心的会不停呵呵笑。
朋友都说我是不是傻了，对着电话不停在笑着。
可一旦说了再见，我不懂为什么，
我有莫名的失落感，续而会想到你啊，鹏。
想着你我真的不懂思绪是飘到哪里的。
我到底是纯粹的想着，还是我在贯连着什么场景？
到底是什么让我想着你，不停不停地在想着。
有时候好像平息些，可有时候却好像变本加厉地在想着。
有时想的不单单是你，虽然也有其他人，可我真的受不了。
能过来陪我大肆地说一个晚上的话吗？
把我对你的爱透过你的言语彻彻底底放下，让我忘了你。
也许这失眠是来惩罚我的，
让我无法入眠，就无法看见你，
你也许来过，可却从来遇不上我。
对不起，我尽力了。
可我真的，我睡不着、睡不长。
我不懂为什么有时候对你的想念好像好汹涌，
有的时候却能平淡自如，不痛也不痒地。
到底为什么。
我喜欢上了人，却会去想他，
可我也想起你，却想忘了你。
我纠结。
超级的那种。
但愿这是你的搬迁，
搬进我心坎里最深处的地方，
也许那是他的迁移，
正在开拓着心坎能住的地方。
毕。
Monday, 22 September 2014
心里住着他的女孩
这样的一个女孩，会有人接受并爱着吗？
我不懂那答案，
似乎会有包容并伟大爱着你的，
可好像说心中会有刺的比较实际。
我不是男生，我没办法懂得。
也许会有一天，
有一个人走进我生命里，
包容并爱着这样的自己，
爱我比我爱他深。
也许会有一天，
那一个走进我生命里的人，
会发现自己这样包容并爱着自己，
这样爱我比我还思念他来得伤。
也许会有一天，
这样走进我生命里的那一个人，
我们将变成彼此爱的包袱，
彼此虽然爱着，可也很受伤。
也许会有一天，
我的爱情史里边，
会有另一个失败的案例。
我想说，
不论谁告诉我他不会介意，
或是他能体谅并包容我这样一个伤口，
我自己懂， 这样对他不会公平。
没人能接受爱情里存有第三者。
这样说，应该合情合理，对吧。
住在我心里的陈智鹏，实说还没离开。
我不懂多久，可是我真的在很努力着。
我想要爱了，虽然我不急。
可我想对下一个他全心全意，
我懂我会很喜欢他，我懂我也会很在乎他。
能在陈智鹏以后这样来吸引自己的，
我懂我也会爱的很疯狂。
可我想要平稳的爱情，
我不需要轰轰烈烈，我经历过了，
我想要一个平稳一世的伴侣、男人。
一个也已经不想寻寻觅觅、已想定下来的男人。
现在若说爱，无论我多喜欢谁都是徒然。
为下一任负责，我懂首先我得能完全放下。
不是把关于他的记忆丧失，而是永存心底。
然后幸福地过着剩余的也许五十年。
我说的是若我能平平安安活成七旬老太太。
很难吧，
我真的不懂我喜欢的会否也一样对我有好感。
更加不晓得他能是我完全放下的因素，
就算我能肯定地说他是我有想放下的动力。
这样平平安安地上课放学后吃吃晚餐说说话，
那样笑笑眯眯眼地笑着他所有好笑没那么好笑的话，
我这样开心时我特开心，完全不必烦恼任何事情，
心里是踏实地快乐着，记忆里的陈智鹏也很识趣的躲着，
让我笑个几个小时甚至一整天。
可我一个人以后，安静下来以后，
剩的是痛苦执着挣扎还有一切不舍得。
我真的不懂对着陈智鹏，
我仅存的是爱，还是对他亏欠的不安。
说爱，可我真的不懂我爱吗？还是只是舍不得而已。
说欠，可我真的不懂只是有欠吗？想起他我的心怎么还是会疼。
我清楚地明白自己应该做的，
可自己是水性的，我的感觉大过理智。
脑是这样想的，心却要脑那样子干着。
好像自己很随性，其实骨子里，我的感情一塌糊涂。
难道不是吗？
爱到伤到不敢爱了。
就算喜欢上一个人，也只能忍着，深怕这样的情谊因为不小心而变质。
就算你懂你很喜欢，也只能忍着，深怕变质的情谊会这样回不到当初。
我看着网上写说，最好的爱情在友情，永远保留着就永远不变质。
我虽然赞同，但我不想接受，却觉得这样其实比较好。
好像这样对任何人都是公平的。
我不要中学生的爱情了。
我要成熟的，那种经得起考验的。
不用成天见面却感情坚固的。
拥有自己生活却能同时坚守爱情的。
能够独立不需要依赖对方的，却也能偶尔撒撒娇的。
这样的爱情，刚刚好。
可问题绕回来了。
这样心里还住着过去的女孩，
会有人还想爱吗？
会能让自己是女孩放下的那一个理由吗？
理由一个就够。
我不懂那答案，
似乎会有包容并伟大爱着你的，
可好像说心中会有刺的比较实际。
我不是男生，我没办法懂得。
也许会有一天，
有一个人走进我生命里，
包容并爱着这样的自己，
爱我比我爱他深。
也许会有一天，
那一个走进我生命里的人，
会发现自己这样包容并爱着自己，
这样爱我比我还思念他来得伤。
也许会有一天，
这样走进我生命里的那一个人，
我们将变成彼此爱的包袱，
彼此虽然爱着，可也很受伤。
也许会有一天，
我的爱情史里边，
会有另一个失败的案例。
我想说，
不论谁告诉我他不会介意，
或是他能体谅并包容我这样一个伤口，
我自己懂， 这样对他不会公平。
没人能接受爱情里存有第三者。
这样说，应该合情合理，对吧。
住在我心里的陈智鹏，实说还没离开。
我不懂多久，可是我真的在很努力着。
我想要爱了，虽然我不急。
可我想对下一个他全心全意，
我懂我会很喜欢他，我懂我也会很在乎他。
能在陈智鹏以后这样来吸引自己的，
我懂我也会爱的很疯狂。
可我想要平稳的爱情，
我不需要轰轰烈烈，我经历过了，
我想要一个平稳一世的伴侣、男人。
一个也已经不想寻寻觅觅、已想定下来的男人。
现在若说爱，无论我多喜欢谁都是徒然。
为下一任负责，我懂首先我得能完全放下。
不是把关于他的记忆丧失，而是永存心底。
然后幸福地过着剩余的也许五十年。
我说的是若我能平平安安活成七旬老太太。
很难吧，
我真的不懂我喜欢的会否也一样对我有好感。
更加不晓得他能是我完全放下的因素，
就算我能肯定地说他是我有想放下的动力。
这样平平安安地上课放学后吃吃晚餐说说话，
那样笑笑眯眯眼地笑着他所有好笑没那么好笑的话，
我这样开心时我特开心，完全不必烦恼任何事情，
心里是踏实地快乐着，记忆里的陈智鹏也很识趣的躲着，
让我笑个几个小时甚至一整天。
可我一个人以后，安静下来以后，
剩的是痛苦执着挣扎还有一切不舍得。
我真的不懂对着陈智鹏，
我仅存的是爱，还是对他亏欠的不安。
说爱，可我真的不懂我爱吗？还是只是舍不得而已。
说欠，可我真的不懂只是有欠吗？想起他我的心怎么还是会疼。
我清楚地明白自己应该做的，
可自己是水性的，我的感觉大过理智。
脑是这样想的，心却要脑那样子干着。
好像自己很随性，其实骨子里，我的感情一塌糊涂。
难道不是吗？
爱到伤到不敢爱了。
就算喜欢上一个人，也只能忍着，深怕这样的情谊因为不小心而变质。
就算你懂你很喜欢，也只能忍着，深怕变质的情谊会这样回不到当初。
我看着网上写说，最好的爱情在友情，永远保留着就永远不变质。
我虽然赞同，但我不想接受，却觉得这样其实比较好。
好像这样对任何人都是公平的。
我不要中学生的爱情了。
我要成熟的，那种经得起考验的。
不用成天见面却感情坚固的。
拥有自己生活却能同时坚守爱情的。
能够独立不需要依赖对方的，却也能偶尔撒撒娇的。
这样的爱情，刚刚好。
可问题绕回来了。
这样心里还住着过去的女孩，
会有人还想爱吗？
会能让自己是女孩放下的那一个理由吗？
理由一个就够。
Wednesday, 17 September 2014
The Officials.
It is just a near 80days more, and we are going to have our first 1000th..day. But this is going to be a 1000th with me but you. I wished we would have a 1000th day count together, but this time round, it could only be the 1000th day since our break-up.
I feel so much like crying now, just so you know, darling.
But I won't.
I promised not to cry already.
How are you, angel. Are you doing good and all? I won't dare to think of any saddening moments. I'll remember hard every happy moments of yours. Watching old videos about you and us, I could still feel the heartache. What are these smiles on your face? How could you be such happy kid?
Questions after questions flooding my mind.
And now I'm going to stop writing anymore words.
I will start crying if I continue.
Bye darling, take good care of yourself.
See you around, the next time I think of you in my mind.
I feel so much like crying now, just so you know, darling.
But I won't.
I promised not to cry already.
How are you, angel. Are you doing good and all? I won't dare to think of any saddening moments. I'll remember hard every happy moments of yours. Watching old videos about you and us, I could still feel the heartache. What are these smiles on your face? How could you be such happy kid?
Questions after questions flooding my mind.
And now I'm going to stop writing anymore words.
I will start crying if I continue.
Bye darling, take good care of yourself.
See you around, the next time I think of you in my mind.
20 Facts About Me
This #20factsaboutme has gone trendy lately.
Rule of the game goes this way:
1. Those who are tagged are gonna write 20facts of yourselves.
2. Get it done and tag your friends, and game continues to roll.
As simple as that.
Honestly telling, I got sentimental and I felt my sorrows when I got to know about the chance I might get to answer this. I knew I would answer, no matter how. Not because of anything, but for the sake of being honest to myself. I was thinking how my life has been thus far, and because of this I could finally be frank and sincere to myself, of what am I feeling as of now.
At least I have been thinking at least a week or two when this game starts to roll on the social media, and days after am tagged.
I did wish not having to game on this, because I was at a moment that I don't feel like telling lies, neither do I feel like telling something about MYSELF that I wish, that only my life partners gonna know about, something that I wish to keep it private. But, at the same time, I did think of what should I pen down if I am unfortunately/honourably tagged by friends.
Courtesy to the two friends who have tagged me, 1. PeyChyi, and 2. Vania.
Also...
***updated 15/09/2015*** - Sahvi you tagged me after I've completed 50% of this.
***updated 19/09/2014*** - My roommie for life Thoung tagged me too! ^_^
Thank you because am remembered. MWACKS.
My apology because I don't feel comfortable doing this on Facebook, neither on my Instagram account. My theory is that those who care, they will eventually find their way here. I'm pretty much agreeing with myself on this.
My second apology as I might make it quite/very/extremely long winded.
But pardon me. I truly appreciate that.
So here I go.
1. 2012 was the worst and most horrible year I have been through in my life.
2. 2013 was the toughest and most heartbreaking year thus far.
I cried a lot and I cried easily. But when there's no reason to be unhappy, laughing would be my only remedy. I could laugh at the lamest joke, I could laugh at the smallest things. He would love to see my smile too, I'm sure about it. He wouldn't want to see me crying for him anymore, and I knew that. Heart could be immersing in pain at times, but when you're handling it well, everything will be fine.
I learned not to cry in front of people anymore.
And I could laugh out by heart. If you see me smile and just smiling, perhaps I wasn't able to get your joke, but if I laughed out, yes it means I was really happy. That was a sincere one.
And recently, roughly since the past two months, I really laugh a lot. I don't know why, but I really am joyful.
I would love to follow plans, although plans do not have to be time constrained. I am not a forever early person, neither I would be on time for everything, but when I wish to get things done in that specific day, I wish I did not waste any of my time for other rubbish things. Unless when there's a better plan that could excite me, else please, don't ruin mine.
I wasn't a fan of HK until when I came to this foreign land, till the day I was staring at a HK on my computer screen. I realised that she has no mouth.
And I had a reasoning of why she is this special for me- All because she won't tell secrets, when she has no mouth.
My secrets will be safe on her. I could trust her best. And therefore I find her attractive and am in love with her.
But I don't love pinky HK, I would prefer her in cool style. Just so you know.
Recently I eat a lot, I feel hungry easily. However, there's time when I don't feel like eating at all too. Food does attract me, but I simply don't feel like consuming, or I would just had one or two bites and that's it. If am famished, either I spam food or I'll sleep to avoid eating.
Stomach tends to growl easily, especially when I'm having lessons. It could be obviously heard and it is seriously irritating me when there's people other than my two close friends besides heard my stomach calling for food..
Those who follow, they know my IG is filled with mostly picture of food. I protest the saying of taking picture of food is a kind of psychiatric illness. I really disagree it to some extent.
Of course I detest people who couldn't take nice picture and upload-sharing every single food they eat. I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE IT. Really.
If I don't find the food worth sharing, I don't.
If I don't find the food photogenic to share, I don't.
If I find that food was too common for everyone to share, I don't.
Sharing is caring, I know.
BUT I DON'T CARE.
It simply is a humiliation especially for food that are really pretty at sight but when they got into your camera it became like something that couldn't be anymore than normal.
I do find it a waste, if the food happens to be pretty but not photogenic because of lighting of the food place. I did wish that there are experts who do tests on smartphone photography when they are setting up their lighting. That would be an awesome effort I suppose.
I used to argue with my family a lot, especially my mom. I was rebellious, but now I'm at least matured enough to know loving my family better. And needless to say they are every treasure I would want to gain in my life. They don't hold grudges. They have your back every time when you're falling.
It is my daily routine. And If i really have to, I rely the dramas to put me into sleep. Not because the dramas were boring me, but I need to let my eyeballs get tired and real tired and so I could fall asleep faster. I don't love only the dramas, I love the place and the language too. My small wish is that I could stay there for a period of time. It's an unknown if this is achievable, but I will try.
Rule of the game goes this way:
1. Those who are tagged are gonna write 20facts of yourselves.
2. Get it done and tag your friends, and game continues to roll.
As simple as that.
Honestly telling, I got sentimental and I felt my sorrows when I got to know about the chance I might get to answer this. I knew I would answer, no matter how. Not because of anything, but for the sake of being honest to myself. I was thinking how my life has been thus far, and because of this I could finally be frank and sincere to myself, of what am I feeling as of now.
At least I have been thinking at least a week or two when this game starts to roll on the social media, and days after am tagged.
I did wish not having to game on this, because I was at a moment that I don't feel like telling lies, neither do I feel like telling something about MYSELF that I wish, that only my life partners gonna know about, something that I wish to keep it private. But, at the same time, I did think of what should I pen down if I am unfortunately/honourably tagged by friends.
Courtesy to the two friends who have tagged me, 1. PeyChyi, and 2. Vania.
Also...
***updated 15/09/2015*** - Sahvi you tagged me after I've completed 50% of this.
***updated 19/09/2014*** - My roommie for life Thoung tagged me too! ^_^
Thank you because am remembered. MWACKS.
My apology because I don't feel comfortable doing this on Facebook, neither on my Instagram account. My theory is that those who care, they will eventually find their way here. I'm pretty much agreeing with myself on this.
My second apology as I might make it quite/very/extremely long winded.
But pardon me. I truly appreciate that.
So here I go.
 |
| #20factsaboutme |
1. 2012 was the worst and most horrible year I have been through in my life.
I initiated the break-up with him, and I soon regretted, karma hits when there's this person who came to torture me in my life, and I had a depression period during that few months, and I attempted suicide, I cut myself and I hurt myself. I literally couldn't have control of my emotions. He moved on months later, and no matter what I did I could not earn him back. I suffered from his blissful life, and I couldn't accept the fact that things I did could be easily replaceable by a girl who just came in and took everything away. The more I know I deserve these for initiating the break up, the more I suffer.
Basically my life was upside down, was in a total mess. Very close friends know what exactly had happened in that year.
2. 2013 was the toughest and most heartbreaking year thus far.
I thought life has gotten better, although I was still mourning for my relationship that has gone for months by then. I hence decided to go Korea, but just the second day the tragedy hit the whole vacations. He passed away in a fire with his father. I couldn't take the heartbreak, it was like tearing me apart. I went back the third day, and I didn't sleep for two days ever since I got to know about the news. Worst part I felt something wrong but I couldn't tell what was wrong, hence I continued my trip, even though I was already tear dropping of no reasons by then. I passed out at home after he was buried. First ever time my face was real pale and I couldn't bother more how worried my uncles and aunties were, not even my parents. I couldn't talk properly. I just felt like crying the moment I tried to talk.
Life got tougher, when my beloved second aunt from my mother side passed away within a month after his. She went peacefully, and I know I should be grateful for that, for her last stage of breast cancer had held her torturing for so long. I could not, however, to accept the fact that I had to be tough, for the dearers sake.
I was really having hard time to have to be tougher than anyone, and I couldn't cry in front of the family members, just because I know they needed me more. But who has lent me a shoulder to lean on? No one.
I just had to face the wall, hide inside my blanket, and cry when nobody sees.
3. 2014 has started off with the tormenting issues, but it seems to be ending in a better closure.
Even the first week of 2014 did not started off well. My younger cousin brother got diagnosed a cancer, my grandfather fell down in the bathroom a week or two later, my grandma was suspected dengue fever few days after, and when my grandpa was doing better, he again met with accident that shocked me out of my life.
My birthday falls every January 18, and for the sake of myself, other than that I have made one and only resolution for 2014, I did the same for my 22nd birthday of 3 wishes too.
"2014 doesn't have to be awesome, but at least, start to be better", I wished, and I prayed hard.
It is September now, and yes, life has started to get better, my cousin brother's condition was under controlled, my grandma was fine, my grandpa has slowly recovered. Whilst for myself, I started to be outgoing and tried to mix with more friends. Although it was hard, but least I made it not to cry in front of public, and I could finally got better control of my emotions.
4. Sometimes I think I have moved on, sometimes I know I have not.
It is true. I know nuts about what I really want, deep down. I could be happy at happy moments, but especially when I am all alone, he's all I think about. Sometimes I could get over it quite soon, but sometimes I just feel like crying hard. Of no reasons. Or sometimes I could have not thought about him for a day or two, and I could still be busy with life, but when I do, I cry the hardest.
5. I have loved Spencer Tan Chee Phang.
Closer friends know, that how this guy has influenced me that much. I have lost a lot for him, but at the same time I gained a lot from him. Just a small note for my Mr. Right in the future: I love him, but I have loved him, and so that he's loved, it's all a past tense.
6. I am ready to move on, as long as I have the strongest reason to.
When it is time and I am ready, when I have kept him well, and have buried the memory deep down and locked it up, I will eventually move on. Similarly, if anyone could be the reason for me to move on, I would be thankful and really grateful to this Mr. Right, and I will love him as much as he does.
That, I assure.
7. I am never indépendent and tough, but I am forced to be one, and therefore I am now one.
I wasn't indépendent at all, when I don't have to. But when the circumstances drive me through, I will still be one. All I wish to say that, every girl could be independent, depending on whether they need or they don't. My break-up pushed me all the way to myself today. I'm independent. I don't rely on others easily. I solve my own problem. I get my own things done. I can do shopping alone. I can carry groceries alone. EVERYTHING on my own. Not because I want to, all because I have to.
I had him when I first came to this foreign land. I was on my first break-up with my first love. He was there for me every time I was in trouble, or rather when I caused trouble, mainly because I was one clumsy girl. He took care of me, everything, until I became so dependent on him. He wouldn't let me eat food that has been left for more than 5 hours. He wouldn't let me order mixed vege rice for dinner if he has seen the same dishes in the noon. When I sprained and injured my leg seriously, he wouldn't let me have anything the shi-fu told not to. EGGS, especially. I couldn't had that for months, until i totally recovered. He would order seaweed soup with no MSG no egg and less salty. Or he would even order FRIED RICE without EGG. :') Tell me about it. I could be in total comfort zone during the times with him.
Perhaps there's other guys who would do the same, but I would still say I had him best, until I could find someone who could take best care of me like he did.
He taught me all what I should do when I'm all alone, like now.
At least, he taught me to be a better lady awaiting for the person who could see the outcome, who could value me like how I valued him.
I had him when I first came to this foreign land. I was on my first break-up with my first love. He was there for me every time I was in trouble, or rather when I caused trouble, mainly because I was one clumsy girl. He took care of me, everything, until I became so dependent on him. He wouldn't let me eat food that has been left for more than 5 hours. He wouldn't let me order mixed vege rice for dinner if he has seen the same dishes in the noon. When I sprained and injured my leg seriously, he wouldn't let me have anything the shi-fu told not to. EGGS, especially. I couldn't had that for months, until i totally recovered. He would order seaweed soup with no MSG no egg and less salty. Or he would even order FRIED RICE without EGG. :') Tell me about it. I could be in total comfort zone during the times with him.
Perhaps there's other guys who would do the same, but I would still say I had him best, until I could find someone who could take best care of me like he did.
He taught me all what I should do when I'm all alone, like now.
At least, he taught me to be a better lady awaiting for the person who could see the outcome, who could value me like how I valued him.
8. I really love to laugh.
I cried a lot and I cried easily. But when there's no reason to be unhappy, laughing would be my only remedy. I could laugh at the lamest joke, I could laugh at the smallest things. He would love to see my smile too, I'm sure about it. He wouldn't want to see me crying for him anymore, and I knew that. Heart could be immersing in pain at times, but when you're handling it well, everything will be fine.
I learned not to cry in front of people anymore.
And I could laugh out by heart. If you see me smile and just smiling, perhaps I wasn't able to get your joke, but if I laughed out, yes it means I was really happy. That was a sincere one.
And recently, roughly since the past two months, I really laugh a lot. I don't know why, but I really am joyful.
9. Plans are meant to be followed, and once it's ruined without a better one, I turn moody.
I would love to follow plans, although plans do not have to be time constrained. I am not a forever early person, neither I would be on time for everything, but when I wish to get things done in that specific day, I wish I did not waste any of my time for other rubbish things. Unless when there's a better plan that could excite me, else please, don't ruin mine.
10. Never would I want to burn midnight oil, but sleeping disorder/insomnia is really killing me.
Almost everyone who stays up late, they know, they could find me online anytime. But those who are rather close to me, they know. I wanted to sleep, just that I really can't. I don't remember how long it lasted, but even if I'm real tired for the day and thought I should have a good sleep when I reach home, I prove myself wrong, EVERY TIME.
Either I sleep around 1-2am and be wide awake at 3-4am plus, or I could only fall asleep around 5-6am in the morning, but awake at 7-8am plus. I feel my tiredness, but I just couldn't be energetic until I slack on my bed scrolling my phone screen on social media for hours, and when am energised, I start my day.
I am a light sleeper too. I don't know why.
Therefore, if I happen to sleep for long hours, everyone should appreciate it and don't wake me up. Haha.
Either I sleep around 1-2am and be wide awake at 3-4am plus, or I could only fall asleep around 5-6am in the morning, but awake at 7-8am plus. I feel my tiredness, but I just couldn't be energetic until I slack on my bed scrolling my phone screen on social media for hours, and when am energised, I start my day.
I am a light sleeper too. I don't know why.
Therefore, if I happen to sleep for long hours, everyone should appreciate it and don't wake me up. Haha.
11. I used to love Baby Milo, started from an influence and stopped it for a reason.
Influenced by my first love. I had my first Baby Milo shirt because of him too. Later on I had bathing apes series. I don't know why but like him, am just simply addicted to that cute monkey. I was crazy about it. Without parents' restriction, I would have get all tees relating it. If you happen to see me in tuition centre last time, my common dressing code would be BM/BA tees with jeans.
But I am not crazy about it anymore, maybe because of the break-up in 2010. I really don't know. It just happen that I am not crazy about it anymore. I don't hate, neither do I dislike.
Influenced by my first love. I had my first Baby Milo shirt because of him too. Later on I had bathing apes series. I don't know why but like him, am just simply addicted to that cute monkey. I was crazy about it. Without parents' restriction, I would have get all tees relating it. If you happen to see me in tuition centre last time, my common dressing code would be BM/BA tees with jeans.
But I am not crazy about it anymore, maybe because of the break-up in 2010. I really don't know. It just happen that I am not crazy about it anymore. I don't hate, neither do I dislike.
12. There is one reason of why would I started to fall for Hello Kitty.
I wasn't a fan of HK until when I came to this foreign land, till the day I was staring at a HK on my computer screen. I realised that she has no mouth.
And I had a reasoning of why she is this special for me- All because she won't tell secrets, when she has no mouth.
My secrets will be safe on her. I could trust her best. And therefore I find her attractive and am in love with her.
But I don't love pinky HK, I would prefer her in cool style. Just so you know.
13. Sometimes I binge eating, sometimes I do not feel like consuming any food at all.
Recently I eat a lot, I feel hungry easily. However, there's time when I don't feel like eating at all too. Food does attract me, but I simply don't feel like consuming, or I would just had one or two bites and that's it. If am famished, either I spam food or I'll sleep to avoid eating.
Stomach tends to growl easily, especially when I'm having lessons. It could be obviously heard and it is seriously irritating me when there's people other than my two close friends besides heard my stomach calling for food..
14. I love food, and I especially love good looking food.
Those who follow, they know my IG is filled with mostly picture of food. I protest the saying of taking picture of food is a kind of psychiatric illness. I really disagree it to some extent.
Of course I detest people who couldn't take nice picture and upload-sharing every single food they eat. I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE IT. Really.
If I don't find the food worth sharing, I don't.
If I don't find the food photogenic to share, I don't.
If I find that food was too common for everyone to share, I don't.
Sharing is caring, I know.
BUT I DON'T CARE.
It simply is a humiliation especially for food that are really pretty at sight but when they got into your camera it became like something that couldn't be anymore than normal.
I do find it a waste, if the food happens to be pretty but not photogenic because of lighting of the food place. I did wish that there are experts who do tests on smartphone photography when they are setting up their lighting. That would be an awesome effort I suppose.
15. Family would always be my ultimate and most valuable treasure.
I used to argue with my family a lot, especially my mom. I was rebellious, but now I'm at least matured enough to know loving my family better. And needless to say they are every treasure I would want to gain in my life. They don't hold grudges. They have your back every time when you're falling.
16. I appreciate each and every friends that love me the same way I do for them.
Friends come and go, and that is part of the theories in life. When they are leaving me behind, I do feel upset. Like those bunch of poly friends, mainly his friends, we simply couldn't be close like we used to anymore. I appreciate them, but I couldn't like them much, just like how they do. We used to hang out and now we are only hi-bye friends.
I'm never a good friend-maker, but prefer staying in my comfort zone with the same people I already know. Hi-bye friends are okay, because am never a sociable person.
My friends are countable by simple digits, but these friends never left. They share your sorrows and accept the weakest part in you. Those friends are for life. And if you happen to read this, if you know am referring you as well, and if you appreciate me as well, thank you for having me in your life.
I'm never a good friend-maker, but prefer staying in my comfort zone with the same people I already know. Hi-bye friends are okay, because am never a sociable person.
My friends are countable by simple digits, but these friends never left. They share your sorrows and accept the weakest part in you. Those friends are for life. And if you happen to read this, if you know am referring you as well, and if you appreciate me as well, thank you for having me in your life.
17. I chose law as my career path, not solely to become a lawyer.
I started off LAW, because I wanted to get rid of numbers and science. For my diploma in Singapore's polytechnic, Law was my first choice, and the rest I picked designing courses. I ended up in Law, and I thought I would just first be paralegal then to the path being a lawyer. But my mind changed when I got in to a secretarial firm for my internship. Secretarial firm is equally important in all sorts of markets and knowledge of law is equally needed to get job done better. Hence, completing a Law Degree became my to-be-completed wish list, completing bar exam became my target and aim, and being a chartered secretarial is my must-complete-task cum ambition, as for now.
At least I know what I want now.
Try be a qualified lawyer, and also a chartered secretary.
Or if that doesn't happen, get a law degree and then be a chartered secretary.
I know I have taken a rather longer route, but I promise myself I will be there.
At least I know what I want now.
Try be a qualified lawyer, and also a chartered secretary.
Or if that doesn't happen, get a law degree and then be a chartered secretary.
I know I have taken a rather longer route, but I promise myself I will be there.
18. Being a Hong Kong drama addict, I really could help nothing about it.
It is my daily routine. And If i really have to, I rely the dramas to put me into sleep. Not because the dramas were boring me, but I need to let my eyeballs get tired and real tired and so I could fall asleep faster. I don't love only the dramas, I love the place and the language too. My small wish is that I could stay there for a period of time. It's an unknown if this is achievable, but I will try.
19. When instinct's telling me something bad about a person whom I just met, am going to believe it.
I'm not a good friend-maker, as abovementioned. One of the reasons is that I will have this instinct telling myself that I dislike this person, or I'm okay with that person. I didn't realise this until I'm proven by myself how ugly a human can be. From my first love's encounters, till my beloved Stcp's encounters of THOSE ladies around him, I know I can't be wrong. I might have sounded rude, even constitute an insult to those people who's putting themselves in my shoes, but it was real. I don't like you at first means I can hardly like you afterwards.
20. I am still learning life.
As much as life has disappointed me in many things, or rather the circumstances and disgraceful things happen frequently, I am still learning to take all these.
There are ups and downs in life.
I could fail papers and papers,
I could get disheartened with things I never wish to happen,
I could get back stabbed by people whom I have trusted,
I could have done things that frustrates me as much,
I could have forced myself doing things I dislike.
But when all these sums up in one, I learned to be vulnerable and not afraid.
I learned and I'm still learning.
______________________________________________________
Do you know it all? Or do you really know that all these are what I've been thinking? There are definitely more facts about me.
For instances,
- I only rear fish, never once I had the normal furry pets although I wish to have one.
- I'm allergy to prawn shell.
- I'm now allergy to some dish detergents.
- I hate thunders and sometimes do get afraid of it.
- BLA BLA BLA.......
But I picked out only the main 20s to elaborate and those I would want people to know or rather UNDERSTAND here. Pardon me if I've spent your 20mins reading it all.
I'm not a good friend-maker, as abovementioned. One of the reasons is that I will have this instinct telling myself that I dislike this person, or I'm okay with that person. I didn't realise this until I'm proven by myself how ugly a human can be. From my first love's encounters, till my beloved Stcp's encounters of THOSE ladies around him, I know I can't be wrong. I might have sounded rude, even constitute an insult to those people who's putting themselves in my shoes, but it was real. I don't like you at first means I can hardly like you afterwards.
20. I am still learning life.
As much as life has disappointed me in many things, or rather the circumstances and disgraceful things happen frequently, I am still learning to take all these.
There are ups and downs in life.
I could fail papers and papers,
I could get disheartened with things I never wish to happen,
I could get back stabbed by people whom I have trusted,
I could have done things that frustrates me as much,
I could have forced myself doing things I dislike.
But when all these sums up in one, I learned to be vulnerable and not afraid.
I learned and I'm still learning.
______________________________________________________
Do you know it all? Or do you really know that all these are what I've been thinking? There are definitely more facts about me.
For instances,
- I only rear fish, never once I had the normal furry pets although I wish to have one.
- I'm allergy to prawn shell.
- I'm now allergy to some dish detergents.
- I hate thunders and sometimes do get afraid of it.
- BLA BLA BLA.......
But I picked out only the main 20s to elaborate and those I would want people to know or rather UNDERSTAND here. Pardon me if I've spent your 20mins reading it all.
Saturday, 13 September 2014
Thursday, 11 September 2014
天使，月老，还有你，请听。
无缘无故地心有余悸，发生昨晚的事。
只是一秒之差吧，我也许就这样会和你重逢了。
车子紧急刹车了，我庆幸我没事了。
也许命中注定，我们还不是时候见面。
或许你还在附近，保护就算已经无关痛痒的我。
鹏，我最近的日子开心了。
前晚，我回到了回忆的所在地，我纳闷了。
我心情就这样无缘无故地糟糕起来，我没办法好好笑。
过后我后悔了，因为我从来不想在人家面前展现这样的自己，
可我最后控制不了，我忧愁了。
也许这地方再也不属于我、再也容不下自己。
没关系，我会有新生活的。
至少我是这样来说服自己的。
鹏，你也一定懂我开心起来的原因吧。
有人陪伴的日子，我至少不再会因为想起你而忧郁起来。
也庆幸有人陪伴后，我开心的时候是真诚的在笑着欢愉着。
那里那些时刻，我不需要想着任何事，我不需要逗别人笑，
我只需要做的，就只是负责笑着嘻嘻哈哈着，真诚地我说。
我或许真的对于未来是毫无头绪的，
可至少我看见了世界上有可能的一切。
也许你曾经很痛过，但是伤口会好的。
疤痕也许会残留，但是至少不会再疼。
看着疤痕也许让你思绪从前，
可至少就算再撒盐，也不如从前痛了。
我会想你，可我也许已经有放下你的理由了。
慢慢让你和回忆睡着以后，
我答应你，
我不会吵醒熟睡中的你，
你也能够在我心坎里安心的长眠。
我认真的想说，我很想没有包袱地向前走了。
我不想错过一切可能。
爱你，我永远不会否认，那是一个历史，更是个确凿的事实。
深爱你，也是一个认定的感觉，只是我得收起来了，
不然，我真的不知道如何能张开双手，来面对下一个我得负责人的他。
只是一秒之差吧，我也许就这样会和你重逢了。
车子紧急刹车了，我庆幸我没事了。
也许命中注定，我们还不是时候见面。
或许你还在附近，保护就算已经无关痛痒的我。
鹏，我最近的日子开心了。
前晚，我回到了回忆的所在地，我纳闷了。
我心情就这样无缘无故地糟糕起来，我没办法好好笑。
过后我后悔了，因为我从来不想在人家面前展现这样的自己，
可我最后控制不了，我忧愁了。
也许这地方再也不属于我、再也容不下自己。
没关系，我会有新生活的。
至少我是这样来说服自己的。
鹏，你也一定懂我开心起来的原因吧。
有人陪伴的日子，我至少不再会因为想起你而忧郁起来。
也庆幸有人陪伴后，我开心的时候是真诚的在笑着欢愉着。
那里那些时刻，我不需要想着任何事，我不需要逗别人笑，
我只需要做的，就只是负责笑着嘻嘻哈哈着，真诚地我说。
我或许真的对于未来是毫无头绪的，
可至少我看见了世界上有可能的一切。
也许你曾经很痛过，但是伤口会好的。
疤痕也许会残留，但是至少不会再疼。
看着疤痕也许让你思绪从前，
可至少就算再撒盐，也不如从前痛了。
我会想你，可我也许已经有放下你的理由了。
慢慢让你和回忆睡着以后，
我答应你，
我不会吵醒熟睡中的你，
你也能够在我心坎里安心的长眠。
我认真的想说，我很想没有包袱地向前走了。
我不想错过一切可能。
爱你，我永远不会否认，那是一个历史，更是个确凿的事实。
深爱你，也是一个认定的感觉，只是我得收起来了，
不然，我真的不知道如何能张开双手，来面对下一个我得负责人的他。
Thursday, 4 September 2014
等一个人咖啡 Cafe. Waiting. Love.
我看了这一部每个人都赞好的九把刀小说电影，我没感觉。
我没哭，也没感动。
照理我该落泪，照理我该有感觉，会感慨。
可我一点反应也没有。
朋友问我正常吗？为什么不入戏的。
我一笑置之，说戏很无聊。
然后告诉她我学长不看是有原因的，
因为我自己看了也觉得这不适合他看哪。
然后一个朋友问我看了吗，我说看了。
问我感动了吗哭了吗？我说没有。
结果，我像是被打了一记耳光，
朋友说也许我再也不会被感动，
因为我已经有自己的一段故事。
我心中有刺。
拔不掉的刺。
很伤。
真的很伤。
我刚刚又哭了。
突然间的泪崩，
在同样一道路，
在那回家路上。
我和在好远地方的室友说起了最近发生的事，让我心里不平衡的事。
是啊，就算我什么也没做错，我还是一样错了。
因为我不是正牌，我什么也不是，所以我无论多用心良苦，我还是错。
鹏，你也觉得我错了吗？
我真的很辛苦。
两年半了，为什么日子就算越来越好，心里却越来越糟？
我根本已经不懂自己到底想要什么了。
时而觉得放下了，有时却还很沉。
有时很释怀，却时常会泪崩。
当我教导谁谁谁恋爱之道还是什么感情之道，
我说的头头是道，说的好像真的容易，好像自己也被自己说服了。
可当妹妹告诉我，姐，去对着镜子，重复告诉自己一遍，就对了。
我静了，我，做不到。
我也许纯粹不想有人和我经历一样的故事，
也许我只想期望别人都比我幸福，
我一直告诉他们，无论多糟糕，想想律齐，她能垫底，
这样无论多糟糕，也看起来好多了，是不是。
多没感觉都好，
九把刀的话，还是很有道理的。
我没哭，也没感动。
照理我该落泪，照理我该有感觉，会感慨。
可我一点反应也没有。
朋友问我正常吗？为什么不入戏的。
我一笑置之，说戏很无聊。
然后告诉她我学长不看是有原因的，
因为我自己看了也觉得这不适合他看哪。
然后一个朋友问我看了吗，我说看了。
问我感动了吗哭了吗？我说没有。
结果，我像是被打了一记耳光，
朋友说也许我再也不会被感动，
因为我已经有自己的一段故事。
我心中有刺。
拔不掉的刺。
很伤。
真的很伤。
我刚刚又哭了。
突然间的泪崩，
在同样一道路，
在那回家路上。
我和在好远地方的室友说起了最近发生的事，让我心里不平衡的事。
是啊，就算我什么也没做错，我还是一样错了。
因为我不是正牌，我什么也不是，所以我无论多用心良苦，我还是错。
鹏，你也觉得我错了吗？
我真的很辛苦。
两年半了，为什么日子就算越来越好，心里却越来越糟？
我根本已经不懂自己到底想要什么了。
时而觉得放下了，有时却还很沉。
有时很释怀，却时常会泪崩。
当我教导谁谁谁恋爱之道还是什么感情之道，
我说的头头是道，说的好像真的容易，好像自己也被自己说服了。
可当妹妹告诉我，姐，去对着镜子，重复告诉自己一遍，就对了。
我静了，我，做不到。
我也许纯粹不想有人和我经历一样的故事，
也许我只想期望别人都比我幸福，
我一直告诉他们，无论多糟糕，想想律齐，她能垫底，
这样无论多糟糕，也看起来好多了，是不是。
多没感觉都好，
九把刀的话，还是很有道理的。
「 众人欢天喜地的孤独，最是寂寞。」
律齐站在人群里，很少能插得进嘴，
看着别人很开心，自己欣慰，却是异常孤独。
看着恋人们一直数着纪念日，我祝福，却很失落。
律齐很害怕孤独，更害怕寂寞。
「 不用对不起，有些事，
一开始就已经决定好了，努力是没有用的。」
是啊，早就注定了，一切努力将是白费，没用的。
无论你是怎么努力想补偿，亏欠也好爱意也罢，你谁都不是。
邱律齐，你谁都不是。
所以多努力也好，你不会是做的对的那一个。
无论人家怎么说、怎么做，你只能静静的接受，
因为她是，而你，什么都不是。
「 我认为可以天长地久的爱情，
说没感觉就没感觉了。」
说不定你只留恋过去那个我，
所以，无论我怎么做都好，
你说没感觉了，是真的没感觉了，
无论我多想努力补偿，多想努力要回你，
只要你有了感觉的她像她自己一样站上来，
我再也谁都不是。
「 记忆的拼图是不死的。
记忆是逐渐累加，越来越多，
越来越复杂，于是碎片一直拼凑不完。
一遍要努力回忆起旧的部分，
一边又要把握正渐渐成为我生命中的那一部分。」
我们的故事，我一本小说我不懂自己会用多少时间涂改加内容。
你懂，我懂，有些他们懂的故事，
虽然只有整两年的邂逅相逢恋爱分开，
可穿插的点滴，我不懂我需要多久将它完整地理出来。
Monday, 1 September 2014
那些未知数
我的心，阴晴不定。
忙了四天的工作，我终于可以歇息了
可是那忙碌中的充实感，一下子全都落空。
我在想是否我应该一直一直工作下去，
至少在没人陪伴时，忙碌是我唯一的精神寄托。
日子好像好多事情还没做，可却是空荡荡的一样，
我静静呆着，我的思绪总得漂浮去到了你在的天空。
我一直想一直想一直不停地想，重复思绪着我们的始终。
甜蜜时刻嘴角也许上扬了，心酸时刻泪泉却也上崩了。
更是想着，我何时能放下你，再无顾虑地奔向我心属的那个他。
我们的一切是个回不去的从前，我和他的邂逅却是不知道的未来。
我也在想，那么多年了，
有多久没人牵着我的手，逛逛街了；
更多久没人拖着我的手，过马路了。
看电影，多久没人让我靠着肩膀看；
吃东西，也没人让我喂然后他喂我。
日子一个人过，是写意，可却空虚。
我想再爱啊，可我裹足不前，我没胆，更没量。
我不知道会否有一天当我真的放下了想迈进了，却是已经错过了。
纠结你懂吗，鹏。
我用尽全力想把你和回忆好好长眠，
可现实的梦境总爱把握催醒。
那是一个不堪的纠结。
我爱你，我也想爱他。
或者，我也许更适合一个人生活。
我真的不懂得。
一场火，是终于把我解脱于你，
可却牢牢实实地把我扣紧我与你...的回忆。
我的未来，
如果你看得见我，
请指示，
好不好。
忙了四天的工作，我终于可以歇息了
可是那忙碌中的充实感，一下子全都落空。
我在想是否我应该一直一直工作下去，
至少在没人陪伴时，忙碌是我唯一的精神寄托。
日子好像好多事情还没做，可却是空荡荡的一样，
我静静呆着，我的思绪总得漂浮去到了你在的天空。
我一直想一直想一直不停地想，重复思绪着我们的始终。
甜蜜时刻嘴角也许上扬了，心酸时刻泪泉却也上崩了。
更是想着，我何时能放下你，再无顾虑地奔向我心属的那个他。
我们的一切是个回不去的从前，我和他的邂逅却是不知道的未来。
我也在想，那么多年了，
有多久没人牵着我的手，逛逛街了；
更多久没人拖着我的手，过马路了。
看电影，多久没人让我靠着肩膀看；
吃东西，也没人让我喂然后他喂我。
日子一个人过，是写意，可却空虚。
我想再爱啊，可我裹足不前，我没胆，更没量。
我不知道会否有一天当我真的放下了想迈进了，却是已经错过了。
纠结你懂吗，鹏。
我用尽全力想把你和回忆好好长眠，
可现实的梦境总爱把握催醒。
那是一个不堪的纠结。
我爱你，我也想爱他。
或者，我也许更适合一个人生活。
我真的不懂得。
一场火，是终于把我解脱于你，
可却牢牢实实地把我扣紧我与你...的回忆。
我的未来，
如果你看得见我，
请指示，
好不好。
Friday, 29 August 2014
猫之谈
为什么邱律齐二十二岁了还迷恋Hello Kitty?
我就是很欣赏她，
她很美、也很雅。
最重要，
你的秘密与她是安全的，
看见她没嘴巴的那时刻，
我懂我能与她畅谈，
她会竖耳聆听，
却永远不会把秘密说出去。
她的眼睛会说话，
咪咪地笑，
像是安慰、
似个定心丸。
我也想像她一样矜持、高贵、优雅。
Wednesday, 27 August 2014
为什么人会死
我不懂。
我要怎么懂。
大伯，二姨，鹏。
你们到底在哪里。
为什么要走。
为什么走的不是我。
为什么是你们。
为什么要我这么痛苦。
为什么我要这样看着你们走。
为什么。
我还要再看着多少人慢慢离开。
我可以先离开吗。
世界上只剩下我一个人的话，我要怎么办。
爱着身边人，越爱我越痛。
我能怎么办。
我讨厌自己这样。
我会怕。
我真的会怕。
我能怎么办。
所有人都不离开好不好。
全部都回来好好活着好不好。
我讨厌自己无缘无故会泪崩。
我不要自己突然会崩溃。
我想喜欢他。
我想好好正常活着。
我好想每天都开开心心。
我真的一时刻的伤感都不要好不好。
我讨厌我自己。
邱律齐，你被我讨厌了。
我要怎么懂。
大伯，二姨，鹏。
你们到底在哪里。
为什么要走。
为什么走的不是我。
为什么是你们。
为什么要我这么痛苦。
为什么我要这样看着你们走。
为什么。
我还要再看着多少人慢慢离开。
我可以先离开吗。
世界上只剩下我一个人的话，我要怎么办。
爱着身边人，越爱我越痛。
我能怎么办。
我讨厌自己这样。
我会怕。
我真的会怕。
我能怎么办。
所有人都不离开好不好。
全部都回来好好活着好不好。
我讨厌自己无缘无故会泪崩。
我不要自己突然会崩溃。
我想喜欢他。
我想好好正常活着。
我好想每天都开开心心。
我真的一时刻的伤感都不要好不好。
我讨厌我自己。
邱律齐，你被我讨厌了。
Monday, 25 August 2014
悠闲
这是一个了不起的一天。
我和学长连续看了两部电影，
Transformer & Ninja Turtle，整个下午献给了电影院。
电影马拉松很过瘾，不枉我在里面那么久差点冻死。
然后晚餐，学长说了很多话，我听啊听，说啊说，
到家了我在想想自己多久没说那么久的话了。
这种感觉好舒服，我不会难受，不会忽然难过，
就算说起了你。
日子若每天这样过，那我的日子真的会好起来。
不再忽然间泪崩啊什么的，伤口也能结疤了不疼。
天使啊，我是该这样活下去吗？
我和学长连续看了两部电影，
Transformer & Ninja Turtle，整个下午献给了电影院。
电影马拉松很过瘾，不枉我在里面那么久差点冻死。
然后晚餐，学长说了很多话，我听啊听，说啊说，
到家了我在想想自己多久没说那么久的话了。
这种感觉好舒服，我不会难受，不会忽然难过，
就算说起了你。
日子若每天这样过，那我的日子真的会好起来。
不再忽然间泪崩啊什么的，伤口也能结疤了不疼。
天使啊，我是该这样活下去吗？
Sunday, 24 August 2014
独立之说
有人告诉我说，
“你很独立，不像多数女生一样会很依赖人。”
我到家后，这个问题我想了好久，多多少少有点困惑着我。
也许我不是生来独立，而是一个单身的自己照顾好自己。
想想单身两年多了，自15岁开始我都不曾单身那么久了，
上一次的失恋直至遇见陈智鹏，也只不过用了半年时间，
而且还是分手后不到一个月就遇见了他，我是好依赖他。
第一场四年的依赖在那时候并没让我独立，我那时有他，
以致那第二场恋爱让我跌得很重，什么都从此得自己来。
书包好重，我从此得自己背；
电脑好重，我从此得自己抱；
回家的路得走好远，我从此得自己走；
肚子饿了，我得自己想想吃什么、去哪里吃；
发烧生病了，我得自己找药吃，找水凉自己；
迷路了，我得自己兜着路，找回家的路走。
一个人逛街、一个人回家、一个人吃饭。
我这样的日子过了两年半，还在过。
倘若不是除了坚强我别无选择，我也不想那么独立。
我也想要聪明独立在男生面前派不上用场，可算了。
我也想好好找个能好好疼我的男生来惯宠着自己，我不想独立了。
我更希望我什么都不用烦恼，会有个人能把一切解决了，像超人一样。
却有个可是。
分手两年半，
我好害怕自己已经习惯了一个人的生活。
我不懂这样好不好，只是当他说起我独立时，
我是感受到心中一阵刺痛，然后我安静了一下，
我想告诉他，我其实也不想这样，我也想哭泣的时候有肩膀靠。
我从来不想坚强。
真的。
爸爸妈妈曾说过他们觉得庆幸，说自己在新加坡还好有陈智鹏。
想想说实在的，那读理工学院的日子若没有他，我不懂自己会怎么样。
吃喝读书睡都有人催着督促着，醒来也是有他来电叫醒自己。
生病或发生意外第一个会是他来救我、照顾好我。
“人总是不看重每天的习惯，直到它变成了一种奢侈”，
妹妹说的这一句，我感受良多。
是啊，我完完全全后悔了，把他对自己的宠爱当着理所当然，
直到自己完完全全失去了他时。
我非常十分无比懊悔。
所以也许，这两年半是给我锻炼自己的时刻，
因为除了坚强我别无选择啊。
“你很独立，不像多数女生一样会很依赖人。”
我到家后，这个问题我想了好久，多多少少有点困惑着我。
也许我不是生来独立，而是一个单身的自己照顾好自己。
想想单身两年多了，自15岁开始我都不曾单身那么久了，
上一次的失恋直至遇见陈智鹏，也只不过用了半年时间，
而且还是分手后不到一个月就遇见了他，我是好依赖他。
第一场四年的依赖在那时候并没让我独立，我那时有他，
以致那第二场恋爱让我跌得很重，什么都从此得自己来。
书包好重，我从此得自己背；
电脑好重，我从此得自己抱；
回家的路得走好远，我从此得自己走；
肚子饿了，我得自己想想吃什么、去哪里吃；
发烧生病了，我得自己找药吃，找水凉自己；
迷路了，我得自己兜着路，找回家的路走。
一个人逛街、一个人回家、一个人吃饭。
我这样的日子过了两年半，还在过。
倘若不是除了坚强我别无选择，我也不想那么独立。
我也想要聪明独立在男生面前派不上用场，可算了。
我也想好好找个能好好疼我的男生来惯宠着自己，我不想独立了。
我更希望我什么都不用烦恼，会有个人能把一切解决了，像超人一样。
却有个可是。
分手两年半，
我好害怕自己已经习惯了一个人的生活。
我不懂这样好不好，只是当他说起我独立时，
我是感受到心中一阵刺痛，然后我安静了一下，
我想告诉他，我其实也不想这样，我也想哭泣的时候有肩膀靠。
我从来不想坚强。
真的。
爸爸妈妈曾说过他们觉得庆幸，说自己在新加坡还好有陈智鹏。
想想说实在的，那读理工学院的日子若没有他，我不懂自己会怎么样。
吃喝读书睡都有人催着督促着，醒来也是有他来电叫醒自己。
生病或发生意外第一个会是他来救我、照顾好我。
“人总是不看重每天的习惯，直到它变成了一种奢侈”，
妹妹说的这一句，我感受良多。
是啊，我完完全全后悔了，把他对自己的宠爱当着理所当然，
直到自己完完全全失去了他时。
我非常十分无比懊悔。
所以也许，这两年半是给我锻炼自己的时刻，
因为除了坚强我别无选择啊。
Saturday, 23 August 2014
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