Hi home, and hi new year, how would it be without the same thing same people and same environment? People left and people started to get lonelier and lonelier as years go. How would it be for a new year without you? I can't imagine that. I just know that the elderlies at home gonna feel terribly bad for this new year..
God, if you do exist, please guide everyone.
Don't fall in love with someone you can live with, fall in love with someone you can't live without.
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
Sunday, 26 January 2014
The 70th day
Time flies, again I say every time I post. I missed the 63rd post, ya because I birthday girl right, busy mah hahaha... Life still sucks. I do not know how many bad things gonna happen in my family after you it is so much like a curse. What have I done really that wrongly to deserve all these..?
Can I count?
After you and your dad, my Er Yi.
Then attention seeking waipo attempted suicide and fainted but refused to go hospital;
One or two weeks later, my 16yo cousin bro was admitted into PICU and got his cancer diagnosis;
Another one week later right after my pre bday celeb, my Er Bo fell off during work at work site;
At the same time, my Er Jiu got admitted into ICU and got dengue fever which since Er Yi's passed;
One week later, grandpa fell down inside toilet and started to have deterioration;
Again at the same time, grandma had high fever and suspected dengue and very low platelets;
And my mum... UGHHH.
OK CAN. IN TWO MONTHS TIME...
In just two months time bullshits never stop happening. Hey what happened? Some people just do not know how do I exactly feel, they judged using their rational logic just because they have not been through all these themselves. Actually one or two person. I need something to really let me rely on. I rather keep mourning on his death than facing all bullshits that you claim that it's part and parcel of our lives. WHO DO NOT KNOW THAT. But they all came in one shot. In two months time. Just a bloody short two months and I simply do not understand WHY. You don't know how dearly all of them to me. You don't know what I have been through. You don't know that I really love them REAL LOTS. Things can really make me crazy. I don't need you to teach me what to do, I know it clearly than you do.
If you do not know, sometimes I just need to cry it out.. But you do not know any. No more. You're getting further and further.
Ugh. Other platforms are sometimes better. Different platform has different ways of throwing different tantrums. Yea life goes on, darling you said this always. I know it clearly but it is just torturing when I have to see all these happened one by one. I am afraid if I would get numb one day. I am so much afraid that my feelings gonna really get shut down and I don't feel any anymore. I feel pain. I still wish to cry for person I love when they are leaving because they are whom I wanted to care the most. I am really afraid. I still wish to feel the pain, but it just heal too fast, sometimes it comes, sometimes it disappears, sometimes it goes, in a blink of eyes. I am afraid when I can really smile and laugh once I am outside with people, I don't feel sad neither do I feel like crying. If this is a really good sign, I wouldn't mind, but if things gonna get worse, please stop me. Someone please make me cry out in public. I beg for this, really. Do me this favour.
What happened to my new year reso? I just wanted life to start getting better, but how come it goes completely the opposite way..
Life, please do me good favour..
Please.
Can I count?
After you and your dad, my Er Yi.
Then attention seeking waipo attempted suicide and fainted but refused to go hospital;
One or two weeks later, my 16yo cousin bro was admitted into PICU and got his cancer diagnosis;
Another one week later right after my pre bday celeb, my Er Bo fell off during work at work site;
At the same time, my Er Jiu got admitted into ICU and got dengue fever which since Er Yi's passed;
One week later, grandpa fell down inside toilet and started to have deterioration;
Again at the same time, grandma had high fever and suspected dengue and very low platelets;
And my mum... UGHHH.
OK CAN. IN TWO MONTHS TIME...
In just two months time bullshits never stop happening. Hey what happened? Some people just do not know how do I exactly feel, they judged using their rational logic just because they have not been through all these themselves. Actually one or two person. I need something to really let me rely on. I rather keep mourning on his death than facing all bullshits that you claim that it's part and parcel of our lives. WHO DO NOT KNOW THAT. But they all came in one shot. In two months time. Just a bloody short two months and I simply do not understand WHY. You don't know how dearly all of them to me. You don't know what I have been through. You don't know that I really love them REAL LOTS. Things can really make me crazy. I don't need you to teach me what to do, I know it clearly than you do.
If you do not know, sometimes I just need to cry it out.. But you do not know any. No more. You're getting further and further.
Ugh. Other platforms are sometimes better. Different platform has different ways of throwing different tantrums. Yea life goes on, darling you said this always. I know it clearly but it is just torturing when I have to see all these happened one by one. I am afraid if I would get numb one day. I am so much afraid that my feelings gonna really get shut down and I don't feel any anymore. I feel pain. I still wish to cry for person I love when they are leaving because they are whom I wanted to care the most. I am really afraid. I still wish to feel the pain, but it just heal too fast, sometimes it comes, sometimes it disappears, sometimes it goes, in a blink of eyes. I am afraid when I can really smile and laugh once I am outside with people, I don't feel sad neither do I feel like crying. If this is a really good sign, I wouldn't mind, but if things gonna get worse, please stop me. Someone please make me cry out in public. I beg for this, really. Do me this favour.
What happened to my new year reso? I just wanted life to start getting better, but how come it goes completely the opposite way..
Life, please do me good favour..
Please.
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Dear Diary, Sorry Diary.
Life's a little..actually it's quite messy these days, to the extent that I have no time to update anything even if I wish so much to. Soon, soon and I'll keep this updated dear diary.
Friday, 17 January 2014
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
世界上最短的诅咒就是你的名字
我觉得好冷，在医院里病人就算不是我，我也一样感觉好冷好冷。
看着坚强的他我很是欣慰，不懂几天以后还能依然这样开朗吗？
但愿如此嗯，要好好加油，姐姐爱在心里口难开，尤其对你这个大孩子。
妈妈忧郁忧郁似的，说真的我真的有点害怕，就算其实不算是害怕。
二舅入院了两次，说他差点中风。唉，人生。(:
我以挥霍来抵制心中的一切闷闷不乐，很受伤，也好像没事。
想着陈智鹏这三个字，又得祈祷自己能够好好的了，别想别想，噢。
听到了很让我咬牙启齿的事情，我不懂可以如何反应，
也许既来之则安之吧，缘来缘去。
因果报应，一定会有的，要相信。
好了累了，不说了，好困，好难过，晚安。
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
谁值得感恩
叔叔打了通电话，让我一天代替他们照顾堂弟。
我也听听了一些诉说，让我不知该感慨或怎么样的。
证实了是癌症，需要化疗，虽然痊愈率很高。
我不懂该感恩吗？
不明白，为什么明明不该发生的事情，祢让它发生了，
让我和所有人伤痕累累了你再来说，噢其实还是有希望，
然后要这些寄托于你的人向祢感恩，说，恩典够用？
阿嬷也懂了这些消息，她伤心了，
让我心疼的一句话，莫过于“最近为什么不好的事都来家里？”
我不知怎么去安慰，不知怎么能安抚她，
好担心，真的好担心。
我说，想要好日子，日子想要在今年慢慢好起来，
可祢嫌我不够伤，祢再加了机关枪，轰了我几回，
再来告诉我一个没那么坏的消息，让我觉得，
噢，日子好像真的慢慢好起来了。
我依然想相信主宰命运的祢，
可是一切切的大便真的打击我的信心不少，
说什么一大堆，最后的枪弹还是我挡着。
今天星期一，上了一整天的课，我真的好累。
吃得撑撑的，好让自己能打瞌睡，再大睡一觉。
肚腩，也就那么一个样子有了。
身边我爱的你们，能发自内心地笑给我看吗？
我希望你你你，好好地笑，真诚地笑，
苦日子能结束的，你能决定的，好不好？
我想就算是我一个人时，也能开心地笑着。
我也听听了一些诉说，让我不知该感慨或怎么样的。
证实了是癌症，需要化疗，虽然痊愈率很高。
我不懂该感恩吗？
不明白，为什么明明不该发生的事情，祢让它发生了，
让我和所有人伤痕累累了你再来说，噢其实还是有希望，
然后要这些寄托于你的人向祢感恩，说，恩典够用？
阿嬷也懂了这些消息，她伤心了，
让我心疼的一句话，莫过于“最近为什么不好的事都来家里？”
我不知怎么去安慰，不知怎么能安抚她，
好担心，真的好担心。
我说，想要好日子，日子想要在今年慢慢好起来，
可祢嫌我不够伤，祢再加了机关枪，轰了我几回，
再来告诉我一个没那么坏的消息，让我觉得，
噢，日子好像真的慢慢好起来了。
我依然想相信主宰命运的祢，
可是一切切的大便真的打击我的信心不少，
说什么一大堆，最后的枪弹还是我挡着。
今天星期一，上了一整天的课，我真的好累。
吃得撑撑的，好让自己能打瞌睡，再大睡一觉。
肚腩，也就那么一个样子有了。
身边我爱的你们，能发自内心地笑给我看吗？
我希望你你你，好好地笑，真诚地笑，
苦日子能结束的，你能决定的，好不好？
我想就算是我一个人时，也能开心地笑着。
Sunday, 12 January 2014
The 56th day
Time does fly and problems after problems and it doesn't seem like stopping any sooner. I wish only one thing for new year where 2014 could start to be better. In fact it does not, but more and more tragedy-like things happen like there's no tomorrow. It sounds more like my doomsday, which I hope not. I talk a lot when I see friends, I laughed like a total siao ginna, I put on smile whenever I could. I have tried this hard, but life never fails to disappoint me in any.
I really am tired, seeing all these that happened. Perhaps you would tell me, to look through life and death. Or maybe I realised it so well, that life is cruel, but I never thought it would happen like a short gun, one by another one. Life sucks sometimes when I especially know nothing about tomorrow. It is like you gonna pay for your smile on your face. You try to be happy, but it is more like 'to be happy, you have to give this and this or that in exchange". Why do life being this fair to people I love? I know I shouldn't let life cripples me but I really had no choice. It is like, whatever I do, it is wrong, still wrong and never right.
Are y'all doing fine up there? Enlighten me, for I don't wanna be so helpless especially when I urged so much to want lending my hands. I do not want to be a useless freak who could only see people around me suffer but I can only do nothing.
Guide my life.
I had enough of these heart attacks.
I really am tired, seeing all these that happened. Perhaps you would tell me, to look through life and death. Or maybe I realised it so well, that life is cruel, but I never thought it would happen like a short gun, one by another one. Life sucks sometimes when I especially know nothing about tomorrow. It is like you gonna pay for your smile on your face. You try to be happy, but it is more like 'to be happy, you have to give this and this or that in exchange". Why do life being this fair to people I love? I know I shouldn't let life cripples me but I really had no choice. It is like, whatever I do, it is wrong, still wrong and never right.
Are y'all doing fine up there? Enlighten me, for I don't wanna be so helpless especially when I urged so much to want lending my hands. I do not want to be a useless freak who could only see people around me suffer but I can only do nothing.
Guide my life.
I had enough of these heart attacks.
Saturday, 11 January 2014
心在淌血
世事难料，一切不愉快让我觉得日子很是沧桑。
懂不懂这些悲伤，让我不懂能怎么坚强。
每晚的唉声叹气似乎平息不了心中的一切伤感。
我还是不明白，
怎么一切切的一切切以后，还是要给我这些大便扛着。
让我什么都做不了却只能看着他们痛苦，说穿了我也真的很难受。
表妹不乖，真的难以想象真的把她接过来以后是要怎么顾好她。
她叛逆她不听话，可每每想着她自小失去双亲，我更多是心疼。
只能处处包容谦让，想让她感受更多亲人们给的爱，来弥补她失去的。
可真的可行吗？多年后的她我很担心。我想让二姨二姨丈安心，真的想。
担心家里四个老人家—阿公阿嬷外公外婆。
担心他们真的越来越老了，坏嘴巴也说，他们迟早一天会离开。
我不想再失去任何一个人。
他们年事已高却都经历白头人送黑头人，教我怎么安慰他们？
大伯走了也快六年了，可我看得懂他们其实还想念他，就连我也是。
看着空荡荡的房间，我依然会想着大伯在那里进进出出，真的很想念。
堂弟也患上癌症，年纪轻轻的，不仅仅他，就连我也接受不了。
那么聪明伶俐的孩子，这些波折真的要这样搞垮他吗？
同样也有癌症的婶婶妈妈，看着自己的孩子这样，我也担心她病情会恶化。
看着，我都只能看着陪伴着，什么都做不了。
痛着的还不仅仅这些，还有你和你爸爸。
意外，带走了大伯，也带走你们两个。
教我怎么不想崩溃？
经过任何一个和你走过的角落，我痛彻心扉。
除了这样我不懂怎么去形容。就是痛之极。
我一直想部落，可一直拖着拖着到了今天，
再不写写泄泄，我知道我脑袋真的会爆炸。
我不想听闻不想看见，
能是一只开心的鸵鸟我心甘情愿。
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
泪崩个没完没了，天注定
说真的，不坚强了行吗？
一波未平，另一波又起，到底想怎样？
为什么2014年又给我个烫芋头。
你们坚强啊，癌症真的好可怕，
我不懂这些原来可以那么地缠人残忍。
走了的你们，保佑留下来的所有人好不好。
我不行了。
一波未平，另一波又起，到底想怎样？
为什么2014年又给我个烫芋头。
你们坚强啊，癌症真的好可怕，
我不懂这些原来可以那么地缠人残忍。
走了的你们，保佑留下来的所有人好不好。
我不行了。
Sunday, 5 January 2014
The 49th day
Time flies. You and daddy left for this long, and my Er Yi left for a week plus already too. I don't know what else more I could say, except the pain that lies in me up till now.
Thank you, it was a blessed 49th day indeed.
Hey yo, I am soon a 22yo, if I were to follow the lunar calendar am said a 23yo. I have been living for a soon 22 years, and life has gone thru the peak and low. I should be thankful for what I am having now.
It is really good to stay alone, that you don't have to worry that anyone could then bother your sorrows. However, somehow life sucks when you need reading eyes and listening ears but you have none.
2013, HAHAHAHAHA. It was just another heartbreak despite those happy moments I had.. I am loved, I liked, I loved, I hated, I forget, I forgave.
Mind is bursting. That's all.
Still thank you.
Thank you, it was a blessed 49th day indeed.
Hey yo, I am soon a 22yo, if I were to follow the lunar calendar am said a 23yo. I have been living for a soon 22 years, and life has gone thru the peak and low. I should be thankful for what I am having now.
It is really good to stay alone, that you don't have to worry that anyone could then bother your sorrows. However, somehow life sucks when you need reading eyes and listening ears but you have none.
2013, HAHAHAHAHA. It was just another heartbreak despite those happy moments I had.. I am loved, I liked, I loved, I hated, I forget, I forgave.
Mind is bursting. That's all.
Still thank you.
Saturday, 4 January 2014
It's hard to say goodbye
I missed the 42nd day post when my second aunt passed away. Life sucks. I didn't even get to update anything for this new year. Another bad year after 2012, and 2013 was bad too. This is another year, good or bad one? I really don't know. When you're fated to go through these bullshits, you just have to. I hate it. I really do.
New Year reso, I have been telling people when they asked, and most of them should know: 2014 need not to be good in a night time, but please, start to get better. I pray. Please stop anything bad starting 2014. It pains me whenever I have to think about all these..
Breast cancer is something real scary, I think same goes to the other type of cancer too, aye? Sucky day at work when I got to know that her situation is kinda critical, and could leave anytime. Do you know how I reacted to that? Rationally I called up friend to tell him help finding people to replace me for work, but I ended up feeling bad for letting people to find a replacement in hours time, and I thought I REALLY THOUGHT she could at least go thru new year and I therefore told them that I could continue working for one more day, so that they could have more time to look for replacement..
I WAS WRONG. Totally wrong.. when I got the phone call from sister telling me that she left.. It was another heartbreaking. I was shivering. O'Lord tell me why these happened? I know I know that this is the best way for her to end her pain and her suffering life, but why get her this disease in her life, why end her life when she was supposed to enjoy her entire life when her children get to be filial to her. She could have waited the day to come..
I hated the cousin whom I not even really met for few times after I've lived for this 21 years. I hated especially her. WTF SHE'S YOUR MOTHER WHAT IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO PAY HER LAST RESPECT YOU TELL ME? BEING THE ELDEST AND THINK BACK HOW SHE PROTECTED YOU WHEN SHE WAS STILL CARRYING YOU IN HER STOMACH?! THE DRUG ADDICT HUSBAND KICKED HER AND SHE PROTECTED YOU WITH HER LIFE. WTF WTF WTF DID YOU JUST DO TO REPAY HER?! I shall say no more perhaps. I have been holding on my anger calling you "DA BIAO JIE" in front of my aunt, ya perhaps you're still blind folded not knowing the truth behind everything, but please, even your brothers could think better than you to pay last respect for the mother. SHE'S YOUR MOTHER!! NO MATTER HOW YOUR FATHER'S SIDE MIND FUCKED YOU SHE'S AFTER ALL YOUR MOTHER! Use your bloody brain to think, you should be able to think better when you're mother of TWO children. Damn it. Because of Er Yi, I swallowed all my anger and let the funeral to be at the very peace. I wanted to scold you and even giving you a slap hoping you would wake up from your nonsenses.
You bloodily got her last will vanished. AND I HATE YOU. Karma. You will receive it, for what you have done, seriously.
Two heartbreaks in two months wtf.
I hate it when I myself already feeling the very pain, I still have to comfort the people around me. Can I just die as well. I hate life. I really do. Dear Stcp, guide me. I know you're fine, but if you happen to see my Er Yi and Yi Zhang, please help to take care of them with your daddy. Tell them that all of us will be good.
It's really torturing me. Hell no I can never cry out in front of people anymore no matter how much I feel like. BULLSHIT LIFE. YA O'LORD, TAKE ME AWAY TOO IF YOU REALLY NEED TO TAKE ANY. ME!!!! NOT THEM ANYMORE. NO MORE!!!!
Er Yi, please rest in peace. I promise that I will love Xin Hui more, yes I will do.
Dear Stcp and Daddy, rest in peace too, for I will love mummy, jiejie and ur family and take the very best care of them when I still afford to.
KILL ME PLEASE.
New Year reso, I have been telling people when they asked, and most of them should know: 2014 need not to be good in a night time, but please, start to get better. I pray. Please stop anything bad starting 2014. It pains me whenever I have to think about all these..
Breast cancer is something real scary, I think same goes to the other type of cancer too, aye? Sucky day at work when I got to know that her situation is kinda critical, and could leave anytime. Do you know how I reacted to that? Rationally I called up friend to tell him help finding people to replace me for work, but I ended up feeling bad for letting people to find a replacement in hours time, and I thought I REALLY THOUGHT she could at least go thru new year and I therefore told them that I could continue working for one more day, so that they could have more time to look for replacement..
I WAS WRONG. Totally wrong.. when I got the phone call from sister telling me that she left.. It was another heartbreaking. I was shivering. O'Lord tell me why these happened? I know I know that this is the best way for her to end her pain and her suffering life, but why get her this disease in her life, why end her life when she was supposed to enjoy her entire life when her children get to be filial to her. She could have waited the day to come..
I hated the cousin whom I not even really met for few times after I've lived for this 21 years. I hated especially her. WTF SHE'S YOUR MOTHER WHAT IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO PAY HER LAST RESPECT YOU TELL ME? BEING THE ELDEST AND THINK BACK HOW SHE PROTECTED YOU WHEN SHE WAS STILL CARRYING YOU IN HER STOMACH?! THE DRUG ADDICT HUSBAND KICKED HER AND SHE PROTECTED YOU WITH HER LIFE. WTF WTF WTF DID YOU JUST DO TO REPAY HER?! I shall say no more perhaps. I have been holding on my anger calling you "DA BIAO JIE" in front of my aunt, ya perhaps you're still blind folded not knowing the truth behind everything, but please, even your brothers could think better than you to pay last respect for the mother. SHE'S YOUR MOTHER!! NO MATTER HOW YOUR FATHER'S SIDE MIND FUCKED YOU SHE'S AFTER ALL YOUR MOTHER! Use your bloody brain to think, you should be able to think better when you're mother of TWO children. Damn it. Because of Er Yi, I swallowed all my anger and let the funeral to be at the very peace. I wanted to scold you and even giving you a slap hoping you would wake up from your nonsenses.
You bloodily got her last will vanished. AND I HATE YOU. Karma. You will receive it, for what you have done, seriously.
Two heartbreaks in two months wtf.
I hate it when I myself already feeling the very pain, I still have to comfort the people around me. Can I just die as well. I hate life. I really do. Dear Stcp, guide me. I know you're fine, but if you happen to see my Er Yi and Yi Zhang, please help to take care of them with your daddy. Tell them that all of us will be good.
It's really torturing me. Hell no I can never cry out in front of people anymore no matter how much I feel like. BULLSHIT LIFE. YA O'LORD, TAKE ME AWAY TOO IF YOU REALLY NEED TO TAKE ANY. ME!!!! NOT THEM ANYMORE. NO MORE!!!!
Er Yi, please rest in peace. I promise that I will love Xin Hui more, yes I will do.
Dear Stcp and Daddy, rest in peace too, for I will love mummy, jiejie and ur family and take the very best care of them when I still afford to.
KILL ME PLEASE.
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