It's all about her.

She is finally done with her paper, and she is feeling real good, at the same time wishing she did not screw that paper up for the second time. Life is good when you have to undergo stress no more.

But somehow life is unpredictable.
You know when you used to a person's existence, it was not long, but enough for you to miss him quite a lot, and when the person stopped doing that for whichever reason, you could feel the extreme emptiness. You used to laugh so much for the past months with him around, and suddenly you have to get used to the solitary life once again.

That's the reason why she rather be alone. "If there is no hope, then there will be no disappointment". She keeps having to learn this, just because she always thought she could hope for something. Who knows they just love to disappoint her, yah right.

There's also a saying recently, on the social media. It says one could live alone, without problem at all, problems lie whether the one person fancy living alone. She doesn't. At least SHE DOESN'T.. Perhaps you would tell her, yes girl try living without a relationship, chase for dreams and all. Believe her. She understands that pretty well too, just that when all the disappointments in life strikes you all at one, you have no more reason to feel anything, anymore.

But loneliness really sucks.

She wants an everlasting relationship. Just one last one, and she does not ask for more, she simply needs one simple one. After the heartbreaks, after all the trials and tribulations, she understands that she could not ask for more when she has once loved too hard, and fell too deeply. Heart does ache when her memory knocks its door. She still do feel the pain she felt years ago, and her guilt never failed to haunt her.

She simply misses the one person that influenced her so much, which is enough to change her whole life, like the way she look at the world, the way she think about things, and all. However, she knows, she knows that she has to get up and move on. She has tried that 2 years plus ago, and she knows she is trying really hard to be one tough lady.

Now she is finally seeing someone. Someone she calls him her crush, yet he could not do anything but to pretend like nothing happen. She wants to just make a step out, but she is too afraid to. The word Disappointment has been there in her brain cells for too long, and her heart has that word carving on it too. She is too afraid to make any step out, but could the person make that step out for her, for once?

However, sometimes she rather continue to mourn for her past relationship, without the dare to go for another one. She thinks, it could be better for her, be fair for him, because this girl will go all out for who she wants, for the relationship she pursues. Adding in any situation if things are not turning out well, she doesn't know if she could take in any further heartbreaks. She will never know what to do anymore.

She is this contradicting. She couldn't help herself.

Having affection towards someone is easy, liking them takes a little courage, but to love that someone, she has to take a step back to think. She's really afraid to fall in love again.

She needs a soul mate, a life partner, who could cheer her up every day. He could just need his own charm, to make her smile when she sees him, to laugh at his jokes even when he has not spoken out. She just wish to be this happy - To be able to laugh on and on.

She smiles a lot, but she doesn't use to laugh a lot.
If she does that in front of you, she's prolly a keeper.
Your keeper.

How she wishes they happen.

But he might never know, when he never sees her crying to him, neither did he see her upsetting - All because she laughs most the time with him around.

Happy Forever 22 Birthday.

Your birthday is ending in about 2 hours time, how do you feel? I guess you are feeling all great because everyone remembers you right even when you're already in the arms of the Lord. I miss you a lot especially today, and when I thought I could let go of you, am actually still not able to do it completely. My memory loves you, it asks about you most of the time. I know you have people whom you love more, but just so you know, you have someone who loves you dearly, watching you, imagining you, and still missing you loads. It's okay if you don't, because at least I do. It will be more than enough, trust me.

Reminiscing every little things about you, it made me cried so hard, everything about you seem to just happened yesterday, and you have grown up so fast, from a man to another man, least a better man. Have you received everything I've made and customised? Those things have my efforts in them. I know you could receive them and I know, this time round, you will not reject my things anymore. I know you could see things much clearer up there, who's right, who's wrong, who did it right, who did it wrong, you're clearer than anyone does now. You're having the wisdom to love everyone who loves you, aren't you?

Too bad, of all the months I've been so happily surviving, I cried so hard yesterday. My fault and my apology, I'm sorry. After all the cryings, YES, I will survive stronger and bold. I can be one Iron Lady that you told me you don't need one, and that was part of the reasons you left, too. I didn't want to be one if I could choose to be, but now I know, am all alone, and I HAVE TO BE ONE. And I know you would want me to be one too. It's time to let go of you, isn't it.

You always hoped, that I could live my life happier without you.
Look, I am on my way, darling.
See me grow, bold and strong.

From Instagram to Facebook, from Twitter to WeChat, I have crossed over the social medias to utter the birthday wishes to you, and to flood you how much I've missed this ex boyfriend of mine. Dear Spencer Tan Chee Phang, LipQi will never know she would end her blessings to you over here. I thought I would let today ended with my last post in the morning, but am here to sum up my day, at this place and platform that belong to just US.

You're the best ex-boyfriend I had.
You're the only ex-boyfriend I have loved the most.
You're the only ex-boyfriend I would want to keep in my heart forever.
You're the only ex-boyfriend I had no regret to be with.
You're the only ex-boyfriend I am going to miss so dearly for so long.

Look at you, darling. You have made it your promise. Remember the first day you ever confessed and proposed to me to be your girlfriend, you asked for a chance to be the one who could erase my past with my first ex-friend. I was touched, and I agreed, and we were happy, until I have disappointed you so much. But darling, you have made it such a great impact in my life. Your presence changed my entire life, I learned from you, and I learned from our relationship. I still love you, and I don't know how long and what it will take to heal the wounds of my heartbreak. I don't expect you to feel the same, but the least you can do, perhaps to think about me, or let me cross your mind, when you're happily cutting your birthday cake. Aye? Nay?

Darling, think about our love when you blow the candles up there, remember it was as beautiful as a rose's petals. Think about us when you open your birthday presents, spare some time to think of all our beautiful moments. Think about me, if only for one day, because I miss you ever day and not just on your birthday darling. Our relationship has had many names. There was a time when we called it Friendship. Then there was a time when we called it Attraction, after which we called it Love. But now..., if permissible, let's call it Eightoneeight.

I have exam looming. Shall I just stop here? I have wished you enough I guess.

Happy Birthday once again, dear STCP.

SHENG RI KUAI LE.
DUI BU QI.
WO AI NI.

我不配

我今天什么都觉得不对劲，
心跳得好像做错事的小孩等受罚一样，
头更是疼得我真的好想捶死自己。

屠妖节快乐，
应该要很快乐的吖，
怎么会这样了。

也许我该回到自己的comfort zone，
宁愿一直一直崇拜着在乐园的陈智鹏，
我也不想再甘愿拿出勇气再去大爱一场。

从谷底，好不容易爬了出来，
我不希望自己又跌回去，然后也许这一次跌的更重。
我是硬朗，可我还不是完全坚强，我偶尔还是会懦弱。

看我在一个人面前若是嘻嘻哈哈滋滋笑，
他不懂，他永远不懂自己是多么的有力量，
让我能这样笑不停。

也许那一个人永远不会懂，
我在他面前开怀大笑背后的悲伤及惆怅。

我能开心，可我根本无法像自己在他面前一样地大笑。
每天多么期待他的来电叫我吃晚餐，
和他这样吃吃晚餐说说话讲讲烂笑话，
我真的喜欢自己能笑得无忧无虑，
一整天的烦恼都能化为乌有。

他就是这样的神奇，
这样的有办法。

我以为，
我经历过的，
能励志我能更好地去爱一个人，
更明白爱一个人应该怎么一个样。

可后来才发现，每场爱情就像初恋，
什么都是像当初喜欢一个人时的那种心情。
你说你懂得爱了吗？其实根本还没有。
每个人都不同，爱情里更是没有守则。

我说的是我知道现在也许也不懂如何好好爱。

我还是很狼狈。

每每告诉姐妹朋友说 "I'm seeing someone."，
我会很紧张，会很在乎，可是我还是好像什么都不懂。

不同阶段遇到的人，都是不同的经历。
你曾经学到的也许根本派不上用场。

我其实很讨厌这样紧张一个你根本不懂他心意的人。
我害怕受伤，可我什么都做不了，像是等死的人。

每天为了一个“在乎”二字烦心，
我承认日子再久些我就快崩溃了。

忽冷忽热，我受不了。
除非安全感有了，这些我能不在乎。

所以也许我该放手了。
好好守着陈智鹏，也许没那么伤。
伤也只是像是疤痕痒了抓出血，
也许也不需要承受新伤旧痛的折磨。

或许我这个人该这样说自己，
你长漂亮了吗？
你够迷人了吗？
你凭什么爱呀？

我不配。
我也许一辈子注定守在那已经有裂缝的温室里，
痛着，至少不必再忧愁着。

有些过去你根本不想再提起

可是，我还是得听见了。

我曾有过一个不堪的二零一二，
我曾经根本是堕落的一个败者。

如果可以，我真的想抹去那些发生过的耻辱。
一个让我笨得放弃了那么疼爱我的陈智鹏的耻辱。
是我活该，谁让我那么容易因吵架而泄气、那么耳根轻。

面对堕落的自己，
我曾非常忧郁、我曾非常需要辅导，
我更曾因为难耐，然后一而再地自残伤害自己，
还曾在我不敢面对自己后，曾尝试结束自己的生命。

期间，我关闭了讨厌的面子书将近一年，
曾经离不开社交网的我，想想我怎么去鼓起了这样的勇气。

我不是因为陈智鹏而想结束生命的。
失恋比起让我有勇气自残的，可爱多了。
说不出是什么，只是真的很不堪，真的很不值得回忆。

两年了，好不容易我终于熬出来了。

就是我有一天发现自己不能这样了，
我开始和一般很照顾我的朋友出门，
开始根本无法在人群里嘻嘻哈哈的，
直到他们不厌其烦地一直待我出门，
所以邱律齐不再整天猫在加煲剧了。

陈智鹏是让我长大的一个人。
可他永远不是让我堕落的根源。

我常说，
一失足成千古恨，再回头已是不可能。

我懂我再也配不起陈智鹏这一个人，就算我们曾经那么爱过。
我懂他值得更适合的女生，因为我没资格再要回他的爱。

我们从陌生人，
到他暗恋着我、他开始追求我，
然后我们爱上了彼此，然后我们甜蜜了好久，
直到我们吵得不可开交，我们分开了，
最后我们变回了陌生人。

可后来，我不能再说我还爱他，
因为的确有段时间觉得自己不爱了，才分开。
律齐从此爱着曾经的陈智鹏，暗恋着分手后的陈智鹏。
那种感觉 是很明确，也很理智，可就是无法根绝。

一直一边爱他然后一边暗恋他，
直到他蒙主召恩的那一晚，那场火把他活活烤焦的一个晚上。

我后悔，我知道一辈子再也补偿不了这男人。
短短的二十二年生命，我让他浪费了他宝贵的两年在我身上，
在我这一个不值得的女人身上。

也许悔恨多过对他的爱，也可能想弥补的心比爱他强，
可就是来不及了，有谁真的明白吗？

当今天，当年的伤疤被撩起，
我故作淡定，可内心强势地在揪着。
淡了，可是还是有感觉的。

我憎恨我的过去。非常。
也许没有多过一个人明白我对过去的怨恨有多深，
那过去对自己的影响有多强烈、有多不堪回首。

根本 想选择性失忆地让这过去长眠，
可当它被挖掘起的那一刻，
我知道这包袱、这刺也许得跟随我一辈子。

多一个月，就是你的死忌了。
一年了，鹏啊你到底过的好不好？
谢谢你教会了我如何爱，如何包容。
我会好好的让我生命活得比从前精彩，
是我答应过你的，我替你活下去。

所以也让我顿悟了，
当有些人想好好活着却不能时，
我当时凭什么想要结束自己的生命？

忧郁很可怕，它让你控制不了情绪。
自残曾经让我觉得很释怀，很放松，
忧郁更让你觉得自杀是解脱的方式。

我彻底错了。

可我感恩，我终于走出来了，
从之前多好的朋友，说，
“律齐，你知道吗，我们这一班朋友从来没见你大笑过。”
直到现在我慢慢开朗了，
在一个人面前，我能笑到肚子疼，
那种没心没肺的笑，也是头一回。

自残自杀是很幼稚的，鹏曾经很讨厌这样。
我现在彻底明白，可已经太迟了。
如果有在读我这文章的，是啊，不要这么做。

我们没资格伤害自己。

记得，
如果我们有结束生命的勇气，
为什么我们会没勇气活下去？

快乐的悬崖，我随时坠崖。

今天笑得很疯狂、更多的是很开心。
他也许不懂，这个女孩只有跟他出门才能笑成这样。

他也许永远都不会懂。

多久了，鹏，你曾让我笑得没心没肺，
可后来的泪水将一切笑容都淹没了好久，
现在看见的这一个人，让我见到他时是没烦恼的，
我是个只会笑个不停的邱律齐。

所以我很期待和他出门吃饭走走的时候。
我除了被他的逻辑考倒被说笨加蠢，
基本上我的日子是快乐的。

如果这样的一个人能陪着我不小心笑个一辈子，
我也许真的能活到七十岁。

呵呵。

当然，
我也不敢奢望些什么。
虽然少许觉得自己是能值得这样条件好的男人，
可是还是不由自主地有那种高攀不起的感觉。

鹏啊，你告诉我，我该怎么去思考吗？

跟着他这样走着乐着，
我和他的距离好像很近，可却也好像好远。
我不能比他更理智，也无法比他更有想法。
由钦佩变成崇拜，再变得自卑。

我不懂我在想什么。

现在的自己只想在床上打滚。
我多希望自己能立刻入睡，也许这样什么痛楚都没有了。
还有一切的内疚，也能片刻歇息。

不小心烦到人家了。
可真的不是故意的。
说了对不起，可是还是很内疚。

累烦慌

累了一整天了，考试要到了。
我颓废，可却会感觉到压力。
我慌乱又怎样，我心安静得心安理得。
我平静又怎样，我依然会颤抖愁绪着。

我今天累了一整天了，睡不足一个小时的我，
累跨的感觉，可却莫名地精神奕奕，完全没有睡意。
是我麻木了吗？还是身子麻木了。

我是刚刚突然间的纳闷、忧愁，所以跑到了这里来。
我希望我是跟星期一至五一样，笑个不停的。

可这一刻，我真的笑不出。
我反而想哭。

我越来越搞不清楚自己的情绪了。
我自认我曾以为自己好像理解出一条出路来了，
可原来我在自设的迷宫里，自掘坟墓。

我不懂。
我不明白我到底为什么还会忧愁，
明明日子过的写意开心无烦恼啊，
哪里来了这一个程咬金，切断了我所有的退路。

我的心跳得快。
莫名的快。
我不懂为什么。
感觉像是小时做错事怕被发现的那种疼、那种快。

我做错了什么吗？

我真的不懂。
鹏啊鹏，开导我。
梦里出现的怎么不再是你。

我还想再见你几面，
可以吗，鹏？

我有好多好多话要和你说，
有好多好多人生抉择需要你给我明灯。

来见我吧，能吗？
一次也好，一下子也罢，能吗？

假如开心来得太快太久，会不会更容易心碎？

是这样的了，你不能想多什么了。
做人要知足，好不好？
阿爸父算待你不薄了，不是吗？
几乎每天都有人陪你吃饭说话，不够吗？

不想太多，对自己是好事，自己会开心一些。
就算未来是个未知数，也不要紧，珍惜吧。

就算祂从你身边拿走了那么多人，
却不也降下了一个凡间天使来逗你开心？
当着阿爸父在补偿祂宝贝的子女们吧，嗯？

自己什么也谈不上，因为自己谁也不是，
只能乐观地想想着，想着一切好的淘汰坏的。

告诉自己，要不断告诉自己，
不能太开心，不然一切欢乐会很快逝去。
现实很残忍的，没什么会让你一辈子开心，
至少现在的一切证明了所有的事。

我也害怕啊，我也不知所措啊，
若习惯了陪你的那一个人以后，
假如他一天离开了不回来以后，
自己不是又被从天堂打回地狱？

我害怕我太开心，我失去的会更多。

我是不是应该退后呢，是不是应该止步了呢，
会不会如果继续想念你思念你，我伤害的机率会更低些？
我有些失落、有些低落，
可我懂我不能这样不满足。

我很烦。
不写了。

一样普通的日子

没心没肺又笑了一个晚上。

一辈子都这样过的话，鹏啊，你也会替我开心对不对。

那么，你就设法让我一辈子都有人让我一直笑不停吧，好不好？

你是天使了啊，你有光环的，你能帮我做到的，是不是？

我现在是微笑着的，你欣慰吗？

我也没有很想你，你开心吗？

我想是的。

Hi October.

It does.

It was like just yesterday when I made my wish wanting a better life from the worst for 2014. It started off awfully, but it seems to be smooth going now. From the people I met, for the life experiences I have gone through, from the disappointments that has shaped me into a tougher lady today.

I really am grateful for these.

And he has gone to a better place, for months and going for a year soon. I won't know how would I face all these when the day comes, neither do I know the emotions that gonna lie on my face, to the world. It doesn't pain for now, but I do not know it for the later.

Life is trying to play fair, maybe.

However, I can never feel how life is performing equity on me, just like how I still not able to figure out how God wants us to live our life to the fullest, without regret my Father in Heaven said. How are these supposed to work? I really don't know.

I don't know how am I supposed to trust everything they said I should feel, anymore.
I don't know how am I supposed to respond to things that I don't but have to take it as a correct one.
I don't know how am I supposed to believe that I am going to be happy for long.

Yes, happiness.

God knows, He must have known that this lady needs Happiness. She wants to laugh all out, if able to, throughout her whole life, without tears anymore. That's the only thing she has been longing for.

Please, grant her the only happiness she pursue now, and let her get what she wants, just for this time, that could last forever.

Let her know, that You're still with her, O'Lord.

My apology for being sentimental, at this hour, on the first day of the third last month of Twenty Fourteen. I still love everyone who loves me. I mean it.