Clarification is made for people who can never understand my point.

I reactivated my Facebook account, like finally. Every of my friends feel glad about my return, and I feel glad because am still remembered, despite months and about a year disappearing from their world of socializing. 

The first thing I did was to change my profile picture of course. Next thing, I posted another latest photo of mine and I left a very long caption, go to my profile, and you gonna know what did I write. This was what I posted yesterday, when I first logged in.

Yeaps this is the one and I considered this my latest photo. I took this about one day before reactivating the account. I had some makeover. Faceshop BB Cream, Skinfood Waterproof Eyeliner, MAC purple lipstick, MAC peach lipgloss, and MAC Baked Blush. I hope I do not look too bad after the makeover. I am bad in putting on make ups, but I am trying hard to draw better. Ohya, and because this is also my only entertainment thus far, other than surfing net, playing piano, calligraphy writing, and like now, blogging.

My intention was to raise the knowledge of my friends, of what I have done, or rather what I have gone through during the months. As you can see from the right hand side of this blog, there's a counter, counting the days without him, or I should say, counting how long I have survive without him, or even what have I gone thru in the past 400+ days. 

I am active on both Twitter and Instagram, sometimes blog. You can access Twitter via your phone apps or online, same goes to Instagram in case you did not know about this. I've been using 'lipqi' as my username all along. You're right, if you're active on all these and you do follow my posts, you're kind of up-to-date of my doings in the past months. Although it might not be the complete story, but at least you got the heads up on what I did. I nag, yell, cry, shout at twitter, not verbally of course, I post pictures of proofs, like how do I live my life without him. Perhaps that's my afterlife when I decided to leave Facebook for somewhile. These two places replaced this facebook crave of mine, and I find them good though, because I do not need to worry about people's gonna get annoyed of my statuses, because TWITTER IS MEANT TO SHARE WORDS, while INSTAGRAM IS MEANT TO SHARE PHOTOS. However, if you were to keep posting the same stuff on Facebook, there's gonna be rumours/grudges/mumbles - you can either surrender or to survive and be thick skinned enough.

I know that am yet over him. Am still mourning for our dead relationship, reminiscing at times how we first met, dated, and until we broke up. Knowing that you will never return, I still wish for miracles. It pains me a lot when I see how could you not bother of what I wrote, but to ignore and trying to give the sense of secure to your girlfriend, by keeping her happy and post a lots of stuff for her, liking all her pictures. My anger arouse when I realize the girl did stalk me and although she responded nothing on my post, she did things again. Took my picture and re-post it. Yes I do know that her face is so big screening there, but my concern is, what's your purpose small girl? And please do not keep wanting to text me and send me those sort of fake and i-don't-know-what-to-comment messages to me, trying to show how poor thing you are, AS IF I AM THE BULLY. Yes, I survived from the trap though. Tell me about it. Stop telling me you're just 单纯地想post那些照片 or whatever bullshits. 

One of the many reasons to come back on facebook, is because I wish to make things clear. I wish everyone to know both sides story. I do not want any misunderstanding, like everything is my fault to deserve all these. Yes I do. I deserve these because I was the one who initiated the break up. But not all the things happened to be like what you thought it is. 

However, I did not plan to be disaster, neither seeking for attention. I just want things to be fair, to me.

就是那么想不顾一切地爱你，也想希望你能不顾一切的想原谅我。

我重看《妻子的诱惑》了鹏，
记得这部韩剧吗？我曾经很疯很迷的一部连续剧。

感触多了，更执著想继续爱你了。

看着申爱利的狠毒执著，
我起初讨厌她、恨她为何处处为了捍卫自己和爱情伤害具恩才。
看到快结尾时，我却哭得稀里哗啦的。
我不自觉地同情她来，不自觉地感同身受。

爱一个不爱你的人，没错。
坚持着自己的爱情，没错。
捍卫你爱的一切切，没错。

真的，爱一个人一直到所有的一意孤行依然没有错。
只不过，那也许是一场比较坎坷的爱情路。

用尽一生的力量捍卫自己的爱情，
就算另一个多厌恶你、多不再爱你，
只要有坚持的理由，就没有放弃的道理。

爱得多累也要坚持自己相信的，
相信自己一直如何把他当信仰，
矜持说世上无论有多少个曾经，
也要让不爱你的他为你的最后。

这样的女人，能有多不要脸就有多不要脸地一直缠绵着那样的男人，
只说明了一个字 - 爱。

想想她凭着什么坚持到最后？她凭着爱。
爱得就算自己晓得他不再疼惜自己，如同往日，也拼了命想得到他的认可。
为何？只因为她把那男人当成了信仰般崇拜，事事以他为先锋。
她的狠毒都是靠着爱他的那份劲存活的，不是吗。

癌症不可怕，真的一点也不怕。
就算发生什么事，拿起那信仰在拼搏一次。
就算那是仅剩的1%存活率，也要以爱的信仰，相信那1%大于可畏的99%。

爱一个人没有错。
不想放开他其实也没有错。
想再度投向他的怀抱也是没有错。

谁叫那爱情是自私的。

就算你多狠下心告诉她说你们玩完了，不爱了，
可到最后，留在心底最深处那残留的回忆，也不会将她忘记。
只是自私的每一个人，一旦遇到让自己心脏蹦跳迅速的另一人，
都想说自己可以为了她放弃一切曾经。

我不想再放弃爱你的仅有权利，陈智鹏。

想问想说，当你曾经爱的那个她即将踏入鬼门关时，
你会否愿意让她感受你曾经的温暖？
你还会否用你曾经的爱再度疼惜她？
哪怕，你有多爱现在拥有的她。

郑乔斌办到了。
他彻底感受到了她的爱，她的付出。
他看见那样子的她，他终也心疼了。
曾经她无论做错什么，他也顿时原谅了。

是因为那份爱还在的原因？抑或其他，我不懂。
只要你爱，什么都没关系。

飞蛾是我。
多么想以那翅膀上仅有的力量，
也想将你心底对我的火给浇灭，
就算自己也许会烟飞灰灭。

别的不说，
现在也只能更明确想要说，
无论何时何处何从，我答应你我会是最爱你的那一个。

也想感谢，
感谢你曾经爱过不懂事的我。

乔斌在海里对爱利说：

“不可以，我不可以放手，我怎么可以让你这么走，我还没有为你做过什么事情呢，我怎么可以放这个手，当时我还没有抓住恩才的手，现在我 不能在放开你的手，一样的误会我不会犯两次。”

----------------------------------

爱利说：

“我现在很幸福，我现在坦坦荡荡地以你妻子的身份迎接死亡，而且有了会为我哭的家人，我得到了爱，即使 这个爱是错误的，我也不后悔。”

----------------------------------

乔斌说：

“对不起，谢谢你能爱我，来世如果再见，我还会一如既往的爱你。我发誓。”

----------------------------------

爱利说：

“我们敏宇就拜托你了。”

 ----------------------------------

乔斌说：

“我可能 不能履行这个承诺了。我越来越累了。恩才，十七岁我第一次遇见了你，当时我真是很爱你，对不起，我没能守护这份爱。你会祝福一起去一个地方的我跟爱利吧。”

-----------------***-----------------

A day tour in the Zoo.

26-03-2013

So am gonna talk about my zoo day trip with my two classmates aka besties. Sahvi and Bern ! Alright. That was our only-us trip, considered a farewell trip after our 2 years together with each other in poly life? Life in school gonna be dull and lonely without them with me. Conflicts did happen, however we managed to get it solved. Friendship is everything I matter.

^  How to get to this place? So it's located at the Mandai Lake Road Singapore 729826. Had hard times to get to this place though. Should really consider setting up shuttle bus what..

I got ready and check at the site gothere.sg to check out how should I get to my desired destination. Hell ya, zoo was so far away from the distance I imagined. Never mind, I later checked on the cab fare and I found that it was about S$13/- to get there, it worth the price if you are going to ask me hell take a bus ride to the Boon Lay Mrt and I have to travel all the way to Choa Chu Kang to walk to the nearby bus stop to take another bus ride to the destination. So ya, I told the girls am not meeting them at the AMK Mrt anymore, but to meet them at the zoo entrance instead.

Seems like it takes forever to reach the place isn't it..

So I got into the cab and this funny conversation made my day...

Me : "Uncle, zoo please?"
Taxi uncle : "Where? ZOUK? At this hour??"
Me : "EH EH NO NO. ZOO. Animal ZOO."

Uncle got stunned when he got the wrong destination. I wasn't any better. I looked at myself. Hell ya, a polo tee and a short jeans with sandals. I don't see myself wearing like a clubber. Perhaps so as the uncle unbelievably looking at my attire and at the timing, HELL 1pm in the AFTERNOON. I know only about night club, neither day club nor noon club. Alright, at least he made me smile.

I waited for the girls to reach at the KFC. We went to get our ticket but hell ya there was no
Jia Jia and Kai Kai. The two pandas that I was longing to pay them visit. Tell me about it. Notice board stated that both of them were no longer shown in the public since few days back and will only be shown at the newly open River Safari. How disgracing. Only if we decide to visit the zoo one day later JUST ONE DAY LATER we could visit the river safari also the two pandas..

^ So they are Jia Jia and Kai Kai respectively. Tell me how to not be disappointed. I wanted to see pandas in my real life but ended up.. DUH.

Hmmm. The entrance fees to enter the zoo for a day is $22/pax. Thanks goodness that Bern owns a NTUC card and get us 30% discount so we saved some! If we got the chance to visit the pandas, it gonna be another $5/- but what to do, even if we were willing to pay, we couldn't get any ticket for it. 

^ Look at it. I ended up still looking at the panda from papers. Okay. So this is how the tickets look like.

^ Since we went on the wrong day, the viewing gallery for the Pandas were closed. but we managed to take picture with the mascots!

Worst experience in the zoo, was when the sun was so darn hot that I did not bring any water along. So I got myself a 500ml coke at $3/-. Ridiculously expensive duh. Also, our initial plan was to walk in the zoo than taking the tram, but.. 

^ Ya, we took the tram at 5pm due to the rain. FYI this is an unlimited ride at $5. We should have taken the ride earlier if we knew that it gonna rain. DUH.

Can. We found lot's of animal with their own names. However, I shall not post out the photos because I couldn't remember what species they are. Let's talk about the elephant. That was my first ride on an elephant. I was at first refused to take the ride because it started to rain while we were still queuing. $8/- for a 3 minutes ride and I was at first find it not worth it. It was indeed a very good experience. When I sat on the elephant,I was so afraid that I would fell down and the elephant was gonna step on me. I first thought the elephant was walking at a very slow pace until me myself got onto the ride. No really slow. It was fun. But I somehow sympathized them and wonder how would they feel to have to fetch we humans for ride every day.

^ Sahvi told us that the elephant wink at her. How do you think?

There's nothing much in the zoo. Same species of animals you could find in any zoo but am curious of only one thing. Why would the animal not anyhow run even though some of them aren't caged? Like the Orang Utans, they could swing from trees to trees but one thing they wouldn't do is they will never disturb the tourists. I tried to observe but I don't see any human made river, any wires, nor any nets to stop them crossing the boarder. Duh. Enlighten me please.

Shall I stop here? I know it's a little weird to a sudden pause. but perhaps a pause before continuing my story..?
 

This Singapore has given me litres of tears. Either the tears of joy, or the tears of all sadness.

I thank them to fill themselves into my life, the empty-before life, thank goodness that it is now getting full. Am indeed happier, with them, without you, darling. 

For almost every seconds and even in my dream, you will be there as if you never leave me before. That feeling made me feel so much like suffocated, yet I feel contented with your still-existence. Darling, how are you. How exactly you are now. Did I ever cross your mind for even a second? 

I lost friends because of our break up and they have gone disappear after you left. I suffered the worst one year in my life until I met them, until I left the island. That was the worst ever life I have ever experienced, when I was yelling in pain but no one cared, when I was traumatizing but no one had given me a fuck.. 

Nothing good happened since you left and until they came.

Seow Hung, Si Hui, Hui Tong, Mayer, Jie Xiang, Zhi Huan and Lao Da. They were the ones who gave me strength and let me not feeling neglected. Never forget to ask me along for any activities and made me feel that am actually part of them. Thanks for taking me as friend peeps. 

The moment I went boarding in, I cried like the world's ending. Funny me, with those mixed feelings. I know I am going to miss them, but at the same time I was wondering if they were the only reasons. No. SPENCER TAN CHEE PHANG. You were there in my mind. I yelled. I do not want to leave at all, really... Knowing that this place has given me lots of tormenting memories. I cursed this place, I blessed this place, I hated this place, I loved this place. I still do. 

Oh yeah, they are those who came and sent me to the airport. All the seven. And thanks guys, especially Jie Xiang, Mayer, Lao Da, Si Hui and Hui Tong who helped carrying my stuffs all the way from Tampines to Jurong and from Jurong to the Airport. And all of them, stayed over night at the airport with me, had another session of farewell, and sending me off. We hugged. 

Had heart to heart talk after some sessions of monopoly deals. We talked about each others' love stories with ex, and I just realized that the everyone over there is single. Some experienced the similar story, some still couldn't let go of the past, some took relationship as something troublesome, and loads and loads of different kind of thoughts after a failed relationship. 

They knew about the six years promises from me to him. They said am stupid for having such promise to myself and to him and they insisted that he does not worth my waiting.. I do not know whether there is such measurement to determine whether something is meant to worth your effort but, I will just try. Like I said, whether to take it as a period to improve myself or a period to wait for you, it still gonna be a six year. I hope I worth your waiting darling. 

Alright, I actually remember the warmest words from you guys, and there came the big shock when y'all suggested me and said 'We rather you use the six year to mix with us than using the six years to wait for him that will never return'. Yeah. True of what have been said, but can I in the meanwhile doing my waiting and mix with you guys at the same time? 

Three years passed. I had you, I had them and now I have them. 

^ Ahhhh all of them were there to send me off. I was happy and touched. Duh. Thanks and ILY guys.. ")

^ Pre-departure, at the KFC, Me and Seow Hung aka Da Jie. She has the big sister style!

^ At the KFC the night before departure, Si Hui and I~ She's the most innocent sis among all. She's cute!

^ Take two with Si Hui in the morning before I went into the checkpoint!

^ Me with Hui Tong. She was the one who gave me this similar-to-the-one-he-gave hello kitty. Hmms Lao Da was hungry..

^ This one. Effort from Hui Tong! ")

^ Me with Jie Xiang the spiderman ^.^ Hahaha. I shall say that these friends love to do effect behind every photo. Haha!

^ Zhi Huan beside me! Hahaha! Finally lots of photo with him after every time without him taking photos with me!

^ So here is the Lao Da. Am the smallest he's the biggest in size. Haha!

^ Mayer the chef! Hahaha I like his hair style it's so Mayer isn't it.

^ The night was blessed with them loving my kitty specs and plushy. Alright this is Zhi Huan aka Huan Er! "D

^ The Spiderman with my kitty. Hahaha Jie Xiang was probably tired and he had a nap!

^ The "HEHEHE" face by Mayer! CUTE RIGHTTTT!!

Alright, shall I show some photos from the Polaroid of Seow Hung when we went to hang out last time..? Duh.

^ Yupp these are the awesomeness! ")

^ Hahaha! The two absentees. Photos with them! ") JieXiang and Zhi Huan!! "D

^ Mayer and his bestie Humphrey!

Before I went into the gate and depart, they sent me funny photos to make me laugh and smile. I can't hold crying after I went in although I did not cry in front of them. Hold and hold and I managed to hold the tears until I went in to the check point. I will miss them badly duh.

^ Steady Luh! By Mayer hahaha! Yeah he is cool huh!

^ Si Hui also had a steady pose. Hahaha she's cool too!

I swear that I appreciate them all. Thanks and thanks and real thanks and thanks God for having you guys as my friends. ILYA♥♥♥.

A great way to keep the love deep enough in me, when you will never remember any of these.

Shall we talk about our past today? I feel thankful because you still leave me with a box of memories about us. Thank you darling.

I was packing our stuffs that day, and I cleared out all "spencertancheephang-related" stuffs and put them in the box. I realized that I am blessed with your presence for the past years when we were together. Like, as if it was still yesterday, as if you are still with me. I thank you for not leaving me to mourn on my failed-first relationship and aided me to go through it, to get over him, to fall in love with you, to fall deep in love in you, and to mourn for our dead relationship too...

Too much to be kept, too much memories revolving in me. I wish to start all over again, and I promise I will do better and to strike for the best if am given another chance. I swear.

Pictures time, let's walk down to the memory lane...

^ Food straps... to share our passion towards McD breeze... 

^ This is how it looks like, the complete set of McD's food straps. Do you still remember about the Monopoly game from McD and you almost won a Macbook Air? I was laughing at your rotten luck that time...

^ This is what you got for me. Remember? Although we have broken up at that point of time, but still thank you for remembering me, my passion towards the beloved hello kitty...

^ Ahh. I couldn't resist the Hello Kitty you gave... These are the gummy candies you bought for me remember? Everything is about Hello Kitty. Thanks for loving her too...

^ The Cheers craze. We fought hard together to get the adorable them. Food from Cheers, effort from cheers. I know that you just want me to be happy darling...

^ Uhm, so yarr, this is not what you gave, but it's what I gave you. The expensive unreasonable pricing of Godiva Chocolatier. I gave you the dark chocolate one when I got back from Msia, and we have broken up at that point of time too. I gave you, but days later you called and you apologized, telling me the chocolates have been eaten by your daddy. I was like 'OHMYTIAN NVM'...

^ Nah, my first birthday present from you. I could still remember everything that happened... Your grandma passed away two that friday before my birthday. I didn't understand your situation well and I blamed you for this. I blamed you for not accompanying me home and say you gonna rush home for some other work but you won't tell me what are you going to do. I later on know that you went all the way to Malaysia at night to get me this watch you hunted. I was like the worry and angry cause none of my calls reached you. You explained later on, and I was touched. I was really really touched and I was extremely guilty for what I have mistaken towards you. Darling, please forgive me. I thank you for still coming to my house once you rushed back from your grandma's funeral. I should have understand deeply of how much you cared and loved me. It was 1am on the 19.01.2011, my 19th birthday. Thank you, thank you for the loves you poured on me. ILY...

^ You were worrying about my health condition and want my health level to be better and better. You gave me spirulina, bottles and bottles and demand me to finish it and not to try saving them for you. I know it's expensive. I appreciate the every morning calls and nags to bug me eating these. For the El Marino, thanks too, for passing them to me. We were actually done that time when you passed me these. You were in army. You said that you just realized these health products are for ladies, and you secretly told me you ate some of them.. Do you know, that when you told me these, first thing that came into my mind was "HEY HAS YOUR LADIES HORMONES INCREASED?" Sorry for thinking that way, but, yea, thanks thanks thanks...

^ Not to let this most important memory disappear. I could still remember how you first confessed. We watched Karate Kid, and you were prepared! You brought along the sweater for me, afraid if am gonna caught in cold, and when the movie ended, you took out this lovely and you confessed "可以做我的女朋友吗？" You mentioned every words clearly and carefully. That was the first time I experienced such way of confessing and of course, I was in shock. I have not gotten over YBJ yet at that point of time, and although I do feel good towards you, and although I did like you already, I rejected. I told myself not to fool one's relationship when I was still unprepared. I could proudly tell you with a firm answer, that I LOVE YOU. I REALLY DO. But it's all too late... Okay back to the story. 2 months later, I was kind of sure that I would like to try a relationship with you. We started our first few hours of date via phone and we watched movies the next day. Am gonna miss those days loads...

^ Remember? Your fierce face when you took photos for your passport. And your photo when you were young.. Such a big difference heh? And me too, the childish look of me! and of course, our photo, which I wash the photo out and put it inside your wallet as your anniversary gift, but guess you have thrown it away. Did you still keep it? I don't think so...

^ Chocolate from you by your brother who bought it from Japan when he had his holiday there with his ex girlfie Casper. 白色恋人 is the name. I saw in tv show few days back the process of making this. It's made with full of love, like really. I keep food not because they are not nice or delicious for me, but am not willing to eat them up. I just love to keep things.

^ You had a time when you were deep in love with the cheap dvd disc. There you were, bought me this to cast my boredom away. I will still be keeping this forever.

^ Look at this, Redondo from you. This is one of the box that I kept. Some WERE with you. ARE they with you still? I do not know. Anyway, yeah thanks darling for satisfying my crave during the exam period...

^ Zinc bag that you have bought for me. I remember how I wanted this so much and thank you. I brought her to school everyday, but you were always the one who carried here while walking home with me everyday, for an hour journey, you did not blame, you willingly, did not always leave me alone walking home. We argued and you did walk away, but you'd always hide somewhere else and make sure that am fine. I always pretended that I do not know about it because I want to taste more the feeling of one concerning about you and love you. Am sorry for being insecure all along. I guess you too, suffered real lot with me, never been happy once I guess...

^ I was once craving badly for Bak Kut Teh, and I had always bugged you to bring me to some traditional plus original place for BKT. There you were, you told me this Song Fa BKT is the most well known one in Singapore, and we went there, all the way to Clarke Quay, just to satisfy my crave towards the real BKT. This did not taste the same, however, it was still better compare to the rest. Like a pepper soup like that. DUH...

^ This was some days after my orientation, and I guess that you have forgotten that you passed me this. We were still friends I guess, or something more than friends already? I will always remember you and love  darling, until the mute guy tells the deaf guy that the blind guy saw a legless man walk on water, which that means NEVER. ILY STCP.

^ Remember this? Our Baskin Robbin memories. We tried flavours of the ice creams before able to decide on our desired flavour. You ordered the frozen yoghurt flavours while me ordered the typical ice cream flavours. Remember? You always tell me rum and raisins is the perfect flavours of yours. We both loved Baskin Robbin.

^ Still able to recall this sushi maker? I've improved my skills on making sushi where I do not need the mod anymore. I know I did promise you make for you but ended up a failed plan due to availability of the use of landlord's kitchen... Let me make you a deal. I will let you try once, at least once in my life before my death comes to lead my way, I will make sushi for you. I can't take it to not able to keep promises for you anymore. I wanna prove that I love you even if one day I won't be able to do so anymore...

^ These are two of the many cases that you have bought for me. You know, what did you tell me when you bought this? We both had one, and it made our phone the exact couple case. You told me that this gonna be easier for me to watch the movies via my phone cause I was the typical movies and dramas lover!!

The Christmas eve gift exchange draws. I eyed on this bracelets, and hell ya, you got it. And you gave it to me.

^ Alright, I bet you gonna remember this for your lifetime. Darling I did not throw any of you ex girlfriend's gifts that you passed to me. I did jealous when I see her things with you, and I demanded that I do not like to see any of them. You passed me all of them. Yet, I threw nothing. I was trying to save myself when I told myself not to throw them off because I do not want you to throw my things off when we are done too. It happened, but I do not know if you still keep them or what, or you have frozen them in some corner that you will never realized? I hope not...

^ Phewwwiiiittt! Yups. Our MP4 that you hated the most cause it was almost like a malfunction one. You bought one for me during an IT Show. Did you still remember how much have you praised about this reddie before you cursed this malfunction MP4? I was like "See, told ya not to buy right right right"...

 

^ Lots of big and small stuffs. This Ferrero Box itself has the meaning. It was my birthday present from you remember? You bought me real lots of stuffs. Like the aluminium case, the hair treatment oil, and the hearts, remember? I did that for your 20th birthday darling.

^ Alright, the most irrational stuff I did gonna be this. I do not know what made it the effort for me to get to your house the next day straight after I arrived in Singapore. I took the bus alone for the first time to an unfamiliar place which I have visited only once. I called you but what you did... You asked me to get home and not coming alone but I refuses to. I know that I have to make the last effort... What would it gonna be if I be patient enough to wait for your arrival at home after one night staying at your house? I did housework and cleaned the room for your mum. Darling. I missed you real lots of time.

  

^ Alright, another collection series from the McD. Look at our effot and we all know how crazy we were towards the freebies. I miss the moments darling.. I love you and I appreciate them, as you have tried to eat Mac to not miss collecting any of them for me. You ate double the meal cause you wanted to get a pair. One for me and one for you. and it made a perfect dozen.

Alright, guess that am kind of tired posting the stuffs. It's time to box them in right... See you soon all my darlings...

^ Nah. I have put them al in this box. Such big boxes of memory of us. Look at the Cheers Teddy? It was the first teddy even before we got together. The iphone, the love bracelet you gave during the TPIS Christmas Day Gift Exchange event, and many many things...

Yup, there are in the boxes and am gonna get them back to my house soon. Spencer's 0818, am not going to give up on our memories we had. I am going to remember it until when I got some sickness which causes me to forget you soon. I hope not so soon...

I have finally done blogging about this. Am tired. Am sleeping soon. Good night baby.