Just another sleepless night

I am tired, I am upset, I am exhausted, I am everything negatives, especially when it comes to sleepless night like this. I couldn't think of any bad memories in the past, but all the best ones filtered and scattered in the little mind of mine.. It pains me even more, but I simply couldn't stop walking down the memory lane..

Perhaps I really need a dream catcher.

I do not know why would I be thinking about you once my busy mind is cleared. You shouldn't be affecting me easily by now darling, but you just do. To date I still couldn't accept that you're already gone forever. I keep questioning myself, of all people, why you and your daddy? I spammed and gave all sorts of reasonings to myself and people around, I assumed and I really assumed that Papa in Heaven wants him along, even reasoned out that Papa thinks he is such a good boy that shouldn't be left out in this sinful world, as well mind fucking myself to accept the truth that this is his destiny.

Still, of all people, why him?

I couldn't hold my tears, especially when I'm alone. I really am done putting on the smiley on my face, which even I myself not sure if it's real or a fake one. Life goes on, yes life does, and you just let everyone who loves you to continue living with a broken heart, how can these possibly be done..

Let's put it this way..If you can really come back, I rather us be strangers for our lifetime, as if we never knew before. Shall this chance be given, please pretty, pretty please. Yes, perhaps Papa has the best arrangement for every of us, maybe like now, granting me another family to love me, but, you know these, you know that I don't need these, stay alive, just let you stay alive, can't He?

I hate the running tap on my face. I hate it when I couldn't have control of it. World is really unfair, to the extent of punishing me like this. Maybe I deserve a lifetime punishment, but Papa, he deserves better life than me, a lot better life than this sinner..

Please, wipe my tears off.