The 70th day

Time flies, again I say every time I post. I missed the 63rd post, ya because I birthday girl right, busy mah hahaha... Life still sucks. I do not know how many bad things gonna happen in my family after you it is so much like a curse. What have I done really that wrongly to deserve all these..?

Can I count?

After you and your dad, my Er Yi.
Then attention seeking waipo attempted suicide and fainted but refused to go hospital;
One or two weeks later, my 16yo cousin bro was admitted into PICU and got his cancer diagnosis;
Another one week later right after my pre bday celeb, my Er Bo fell off during work at work site;
At the same time, my Er Jiu got admitted into ICU and got dengue fever which since Er Yi's passed;
One week later, grandpa fell down inside toilet and started to have deterioration;
Again at the same time, grandma had high fever and suspected dengue and very low platelets;
And my mum... UGHHH.

OK CAN. IN TWO MONTHS TIME...

In just two months time bullshits never stop happening. Hey what happened? Some people just do not know how do I exactly feel, they judged using their rational logic just because they have not been through all these themselves. Actually one or two person. I need something to really let me rely on. I rather keep mourning on his death than facing all bullshits that you claim that it's part and parcel of our lives. WHO DO NOT KNOW THAT. But they all came in one shot. In two months time. Just a bloody short two months and I simply do not understand WHY. You don't know how dearly all of them to me. You don't know what I have been through. You don't know that I really love them REAL LOTS. Things can really make me crazy. I don't need you to teach me what to do, I know it clearly than you do.

If you do not know, sometimes I just need to cry it out.. But you do not know any. No more. You're getting further and further.

Ugh. Other platforms are sometimes better. Different platform has different ways of throwing different tantrums. Yea life goes on, darling you said this always. I know it clearly but it is just torturing when I have to see all these happened one by one. I am afraid if I would get numb one day. I am so much afraid that my feelings gonna really get shut down and I don't feel any anymore. I feel pain. I still wish to cry for person I love when they are leaving because they are whom I wanted to care the most. I am really afraid. I still wish to feel the pain, but it just heal too fast, sometimes it comes, sometimes it disappears, sometimes it goes, in a blink of eyes. I am afraid when I can really smile and laugh once I am outside with people, I don't feel sad neither do I feel like crying. If this is a really good sign, I wouldn't mind, but if things gonna get worse, please stop me. Someone please make me cry out in public. I beg for this, really. Do me this favour.

What happened to my new year reso? I just wanted life to start getting better, but how come it goes completely the opposite way..

Life, please do me good favour..


Please.