LOOK! I am doing my best to be happier already!

I was deciding whether to blog in Mandarin or English. I've chosen the latter, so yarr, bear with my command in English please... 

Being playful, being workaholic, being hardworking to pack my stuffs these few days. Therefore I did not blog any, neither I did to switch on my lappy that frequent. Uhm, I have mixed feelings. MIXED ONE. I do not even understand whether I love to live such lives, or am gonna regret leading life like this - I COULDN'T FIND ANY REASON NOT TO DO SO. I want to be happy... or happier... at least, understand me.

27 MARCH 2013 (WEDNESDAY)

I declare this my first time visiting to ZOUK!! Yay, the very first time, and I did prepare for it. Pre-party, I went to Bugis to search for party dress. Perhaps am too thin to fit them on, and I ended up buying nothing, like doing the mere window shopping, this is disgracing... NEVERMIND. Xiao Thoung was with me that night, mainly because her boyfie wasn't really free or what, for whatever reason, I still appreciate her company. We met up with Lao Da and Da Jie (Sorry Seow Hung, I prefer calling you Da Jie over here but feel more comfortable calling you with names outside...) Went Nando's for dinner and we had our chats for an hour plus. Jordan joined us later on, and I was like "Wah, the whole gang was like coming to my rescue to shop for my party dress like that?" Went to the Bugis+, the Bugis Street, as well the Bugis Junction, trying to hunt for dresses, but to no avail... I hence decided to wear the in-trend so called "broom-like-dress", like a lamer heh..

I did some makeover, and curled my hair, put on perfumes, and I headed to Mayer's house soon after. I was late, but never mind, he just done preparing his... ok I shall just call that SPAGHETTI, the fried one, but an awesome one. Thanks to chef Mayer! 

Isn't this awesome?

We were done eating and I waited them to get prepared. Setting hair is the most important task for guys perhaps. We cabbed down to the Zouk. That was a ladies night. Sihui and I went in to queue for stamps on our hands and we hand over our handbags to the keeper. Later on, we walked a distance with Mayer, Jie Xiang and Lao Da to Holiday Inn to get liquors. They got us Bacardi Gold and a Jack Daniel's. We met up with Daniel who came later, also Ruixing and Kexing, and one of their friend Shuhnel (I hope I spelled it correctly...) Daniel lead the way to the bridge, we sat at a corner and we started drinking. Xiao Thoung and Shao Quan joined later on, but they brought along his army friends as well.. We continued. I was smart for this time. I knew what was I doing, and I knew that I was somehow drunk and hyped and keep wanting to game but I couldn't control my deeds. I couldn't walk properly and I needed people to hold me. 

Yeaps, I hope that I have enough of my own memories visiting the club for first time. I could vividly remember Daniel hold me down to the dance floor, but we ended up getting up from that crowded and suffocating place because I can't stand the crowd. I just can't make myself to dance like them, my own problem maybe..

This is exactly my impression towards Zouk, and I could feel the atmosphere inside the club.

Lights on at around 04:30a.m. and we left the place. I was much more awake as compared to when I first went in. After the youngsters' smoking sessions outside the club, and after seeing funny jokes people did when they got drunk, we decided to walk to Tiong Baru Plaza for Bak Chor Mee as breakfast before going home. TIONG BARU PLAZA FROM ZOUK PEOPLE AND WE WALKED THERE. I think am awesome walking on my bare feet. My heels are killing and the blisters.. duh. 

Mayer and Lao Da sent me home. The next morning when I thought I was like quite have-it-in-mind about happenings last night, Daniel got me a freaking info about me. I CALLED HIM. I BLOODY CALLED HIM. The first thing I did was to check my call history. Yeaps.. 10 calls in totals. Some were either picked up or cancelled or rejected or what. Know what? I feel like slapping myself. Why would I not know things I did because of STCP this character in my life who is not supposed to appear in my mind anymore. It is already the second time I got drunk and did stupid things because of him. WHACK ME PLEASE. However, I wonder too. Why could he not giving me a damn when I called. Was he all along that cruel or what. I was imagining WHAT IF I am at the edge of dying and I could only call him, and what is going to happen to me if ignorance leads the concern.. Okay. Time heals..

The 2am craze.. Sorry for calling though.

By the way, I tried clubbing not because of whatever showing off reasons, but I went in with the main purpose to immersed myself into the atmosphere and to get the better understanding of your situation when I club. I do not know whether you enjoy clubbing, but I don't, except when friends are around and neglect no me. Yarr. 


28 MARCH 2013 (THURSDAY)

Happy hour continues the next night, when we went to Top One for KTV sessions. Me, Da Jie, Zhi Huan, Sihui, Mayer, Jie Xiang, Lao Da, Thoung and Shao Quan. Ordered the same Macallan but I did not drink much that time. I was asked to drink lesser and to best keeping it to a maximum of 2 glasses. I did not get drunk! Anyway, that was probably the last official farewell to Thoung and I. She was flying off the next day, and she went to sleep at her boyfie's house instead of spending the last night pillow talk with me. I thought to have one but then, it's fine. Being sticky to boyfie has no wrong, and as one said, every couple has their own rules, perhaps they love cuddling each other or what, yeah, which I shouldn't care anymore. I wished her bon voyage and a safe flight though. 

Coming back to the topic, I would really envy people who could sing so well. Like Mayer and Da Jie all of them. Only me who couldn't sing well.. It's somehow disgracing me duh. I recorded their singing!! I was bored at times therefore I kept gaming with whoever free from singing like Sihui and Zhi Huan. Hmms, however the next day I got to know something very disappointing, like kind of disappointing, when one told me the reason she asked me to game with her. It was bloody an agreement between the couple to solve their own situation and I was then like a tool used. Not really happy, but I at the same time do not understand why could one do so to me.. 

The craze went through the night and we had our Mc Breakfast until 8am in the morning. I was really thinking if my body can support me well to lead life like this. ANYWAY, I am really really really thankful to have them by my side. I do not know if I can be their bff since I joined only later on, but still, THANK YOU LOVELY YOUS ^.^

Saddest part is - This is the only photos that I've taken with you guys, and it was during my bday celeb. Lao Da and Zhi Huan, I shall take with you guys soon too!

01 APRIL 2013 (MONDAY)  

Friday? Nothing special. It was a God Friday which I will never celebrate. I slept until 3pm in the afternoon and I later on started to pack my stuffs while next days Saturday and Sunday were my working days. My last day being a promoter. It was like, everything is really ending. I love to be in Brother's family I love the people over there I swear. I have gone thru every problems solving from customers, and to face different customers' attitudes and to learn to deal with them in a proper manner. To be exact, I have grown up, at least a little...?

Because of the people here, am blessed with a happier life.

APRIL FOOL!! Like how it is supposed to be, to fool people without responsibility that you are gonna hurt them. He's the best example. Although he might not be one, but am taking him as. I admit that I was in a sudden excitement when you called, especially when I tried to see if the ringtone can last a three seconds before you kup my phone.. You did, but when I picked up the phone the other end was in a total silence. Something unglamorous did come across my mind where I guess perhaps it's your oh-my-darling who trying to prank me for you? Haha, I ended up choosing not to guess anything, anymore. Let bygone be bygone alright? 

Look at you. Your call made me missing you again and again darling.

Despite the unhappy 2 seconds moment, I again feel glad to have these friends. Sihui, HuiTong, Mayer, and Jie Xiang came over to my rescue! I have to move my stuffs to Jurong today and they came down to lend me their hands. We got two cabs headed to Jurong. Cool heh? Money flows like a water tap! 

I was a little bu she de when I said goodbye to the landlord aunty, although she used to go into people's room without permissions and so on. ANYWAY, I WILL DEFINITELY MISS HER, and thanks to the Papa in Heaven, to have lead us to her, and to at least have great room to stay in the three years time. 


Alright, am tired. Perhaps I shall continue the next part some other days later or what? Am going to the zoo with Sahvi and Bern tomorrow and I shall not be late!!   

I hope that am starting to love my life without you, darling.

Hi Sergeant Tan, I bless you for your achievement, and still love you more than how I used to. Not because of your current status and identity, but for who you were and who you are now.

Thing goes right this way..

I have been a workaholic in the past two weeks time right after the IT show. Drinking and fooling around, or worse, day dreaming on my bed, has been my past time entertainment.

My first entertainment of the month was going out with my Brother's Family. Dajie, JieXiang, Mayer, Jordan, and not to forget my new friends Laoda, ZhaoKiat and Shernice! My only regret was not taking photo with them. I should have done so, but never mind, there is still a long way to go, hopefully. ")

It was a luxurious Thursday, or I should say, it was definitely a satisfying Thursday. 

I went for Ice Skating, with Thoung and two of my besties classmates - Bern and Sahvi. 
 
We skated for two hours, and within the hours I fell down for a three times. How embarrassing it was. Imagine me. I was hoping and was thinking, how good and awesome everything could be, if you're the one beside me, to teach me on how to skate, or just stay by my side. No doubt that it will be an extremely wonderful afternoon.  

Oh dear, I really miss you.

The gloves for the four of us from Daiso! The leopard printed one is mine!

Me together with Thoung, like finally an outing with her after months.

^The random four of us. Thanks girl and I love each and everyone of you!

After the skating moments, the four of us went to the NEX shopping complex, and had our dinner at the Hot Tomato restaurant. Here it is, the Lamb Chop & Bratwurst! Am not trying to say that this is bla bla bla an awesome and superlicious dinner or what, but most importantly it was really a great night out with the girls. 

^Lamb Chop & Bratwurst @ Hot Tomato, NEX that I have ordered for the night!

The schedule of the day did not end just like that. I met up with Daniel first at Dhoby Ghaut and we went Clarke Quay together. He brought me along and show me how merry the night could be in CQ, and I was amazed. I saw exactly how Sisha looks like too. Daniel later on directed me to Aqua Nova, and we sat down and had some drinks together while waiting for the rest. He ordered me a HoeGarden. It was a nice beer but I could neither drink a lot or fast, therefore, before I could finish even one-third of it, Daniel left with only one-fifth and we then exchanged the drinks. We had chats regarding our own relationships, about my future studies, and gave advice to each other on how could we improve our life. He could be the best listening ears and the reading eyes whenever I need one. This is the reason why I appreciate every friendships that comes to me. 

Soon after the drinks, we went to the Burger King at the Central because Daniel was hungry! We continue our chats, and soon later JieXiang arrived. He was hungry too haha so poor thing! Followed by Thoung after her gathering with her classmates, so as Silvia, Daniel's buddy!While ChunHong arrived soon later when we were about to leave the restaurant. 

Uhm, we headed to the Planet Paradise at the Liang Court. They needed to check our identity card, therefore, I was in rush and panic for a little because I did not bring my Student pass along but luckily I got my NRIC with me. I was like - Aww can't be blamed, I shall remember to bring my pass along next time to avoid any misunderstanding of my age, hell ya!

Dajie, Sihui, Mayer and Jordan soon arrived. Daniel ordered the Courvoisier V.S.O.P Cognac and a tower of beer. The game started! *Scissors-Paper-Stone* and after a few round, I started to feel dizzy and I went to the washroom. I thought everything was alright and I should be fine, but later on, thing goes wrong when I realized myself on my own bed the next morning. I was finally drunk for the first time. 

I glanced thru the conversation in the group chats, and realized that big thing goes wrong. I acted accordingly after I got drunk. Almost every of them described to me what have I done to them. I burst out laughing after listening and reading what have I actually done. Anyway, I feel a lot better actually after the hangovers.

Daniel told me these in the chat. 

"Thing goes like that. I was seated next to you after Seow Hung left. Then suddenly you started crying. So I pulled you out of the place to let you cool down. But you cried even more. So I brought you to the bridge, cos there prettier and I thought it would brighten up your mood abit. But I was wrong. You cried even more and said a lot of things about your regrets. Then we stood there for super long and you can't stop crying. Told me hell lot of stuff and then Si Hui and Mayer came. But I told them to wait at aside cos didn't want them to see you cry and all. Then more talking and more crying. So I said, stop crying, the rest are waiting. After that I went for a smoke with Sihui, JX dajie's brother and Mayer and we went in to take our belongings and left. 

They didn't want to go home. So went mac for breakfast. Along the way you can't even walk straight and Chun Hong was holding on to you. But I was like you are very uncomfortable but that Chun Hong just kept holding cos he scare you fall down. So ya loh. 

At mac, you just kept staring at the phone and you shared about the cake, the bday party." 

I feel so sorry for what I have done after the drink and caused the troubles for them to take care of me. However, I feel glad to have them in my life. I mean it. I thank them for asking me to sing out loud during the karaoke session at the KTV last week and not to keep things in me, and keep me company when I needed them. Life with them actually cures me better as compared to the solitaire me. 

I love each and every of them. ")

Hell ya, and on the 6th April, it's gonna be Siaoyen's wedding day and was asked to be the bridesmaid. Oh dear, I hell don't think I can be one, as I don't even have the time to prepare the proper attire and everything needed. Perhaps I shall just be with the Sisters. Not to forget the attire for the wedding night? 

Urhhhhh as well to dig out any party dress for next week. Ohmytian. Anyway, am blessed with programs next week. Monday the movie date with Huitong and one person more maybe, then the party invitation at the club for the first time with Daniel and the gang, also the KTV session again on the next night throughout the night. And Thursday daytime shall be another date with my girls at the Zoo! ") 

World, please keep my mind occupied with entertainments and I shall not remember you, darling. 

小三之说

我必须承认说，
不被爱的那个是永远的小三。

虽然这么说，
若我说，
当一个人知道一个女的还在努力时，
努力在挽回自己男人的心时，
知情的那个她，
不惜暗地里耍刀枪，
得到了他。

是，他爱她，
可她干了什么？

爱情饮料，
一个人喝时，涩涩的。
两个人喝时，甜甜的。
三个人喝时，酸酸的。

万物尽酸，都已一年多了。
可我就是放不下。

觉得好笑时，
是看见说，怎么你三年前的小说论，
让我觉得你好大姐大。

看了以后，我笑了。
一切也算了。

你的她说她说，
也许能直接一些吧，
只是觉得，你好像在尝试表达一些讯息给别人。

误导没关系，有人懂就好。

没事。
大你个三岁，总得比你会想，不然，我会比狐狸更狼。

谢谢你给的那一小时幸福

多久没在睡梦中看见你了。

谢谢刚才，给了我美丽的梦中梦。
虽然才一小时，可谢谢你。

梦见我们在第一次见面的地方重遇，
你回来了。

你抚摸了我的头发，告诉我你回来了。
之前的种种，你告诉我说，
都过去了。
你向我说抱歉，
我亦急得哭了。

你说，不会再让我伤心难过。
我开心了。

可怎么，那只是一场梦。
梦里的结局，是我最终了结了自己。

美梦中，短暂的幸福，
我也许该知足。

我能说，分手一周年快乐吗？

就这样，分手一年了。

 现在凌晨一点十七分。

想着去年的今天，
我竟是在琢磨着如何向你开口，
一切与你的爱情，斩断与三月十一日。

工作的四天里，
尽情的要逃避一切可能的负面思想，
可就是，不行。

记得一个月前偷偷看了你上机，
到今早记得你快要回来，
明明就，多久不见了，其实不必想念了，
可就是，很痛。

在列车里正在回家路上的我，
想着，怎么一切忙碌就这么停止了。
我害怕，真的彷徨。

该怎么面对内心里的歇斯底里，
以及顾及在大众面前所以不能哭的闭憋。

真的憎恶自己。

爱你，真的爱。
可一切于事无补。
藏在心里，不能告诉你。
再也没有资格说爱你。

陈智鹏，会想到去年今天我带给你的伤痛吗？　
对不起，
对不起，
真的，对不起。

忘了我也不错，
谁让我只让你痛苦地爱着这么任性的我。

尽力了，
曾经你分手当天摆在我家门口的信，和巧克力，
我没有用，我找不回。
可我现在明白你当初的痛楚，我对不起你。

真的，如果说...

嗯，没有如果。
已经发生了。


我，爱你。
还爱。
真的。

还有那五天

就多那五天。

今天又再兴起想要部落。
不知是心情低落，抑或意识清晰，
告诉我说那日子近了。

心跳的节奏，让我快跟不上拍子。
熟不知自己在紧张些什么，
或者害怕着什么。

最近烦恼我的，
就是一个月前发生的事。

朋友叫我无论如何要这么做，
可我不忍，也不敢让你知道，
想在这里述明，也不能。
说着说着，就和朋友吵起来，很不好受。

万一真的，该怎么办。
万一假的，我能怎样。

心痛的感觉还存在，
能否说明，我真的还好在乎你。

你的无情阐明了你对我的绝情。
 
也许，我只是你的过渡期。
也许，你从来没爱过我。
也许，你未曾在乎。

我认命。
注定永远是痛苦的那一方。

AM NOT IN A GOOD MOOD ")

HEY BLOODY.

KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE PISSED ME OFF, FOR TWISTING WORDS I HAVE SPOKEN TO YOU. WHAT I COULD SAY WOULD BE, I WILL SYMPATHIZE YOU HELL DOWN IF YOU NEED THIS WAY TO SECURE HIM MORE AND MORE. FUNNERH. BLOODILY FUNNY. LIKE A ???. SORRY, WON'T NAME YOU IN ANYMORE POLITE WAY. 

PERHAPS I SHALL SAY, I SHALL ONE DAY POST EVERYTHING YOU SENT ME, TO SHOW TO THE WORLD HOW CONTRADICTING YOUR WORDS ARE. BLOODY. STILL BLOODILY IRRITATING. LET THE WORLD JUDGE. 

I REMEMBER I PROMISE MYSELF A SIX YEAR. I HECK CARE WHO HE BEING WITH NOW AND THEN. IT'S MY OWN PROMISE. DID I EVER INTERRUPT NOW? DAMN IT IRRITATING UH?

HEY SPENCER TAN. 

HECK TAKE CARE OF YOUR BLOODY GIRLFRIEND. YOUR PROBLEM IF YOU WANNA TRUST WHATEVER SHE SAY, AND WHATEVER SHE CLAIMED IS. IT IS BLOODY YOUR BUSINESS. I LOVE YOU, I DO, BUT DO NOT PISSED ME OFF. MIND WHAT TO BE SAID IN A BLOG, TELL THE TRUTH, NOT TO TRY TWISTING THE TRUTH. 

I SAY I LOVE YOU, IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, AND AM NOT ASKING YOU TO LOVE ME BACK. I KNOW IT WILL NEVER BE, SINCE ONE HAS CAME IN TO INTERRUPT MY EFFORTS.

AND TO THE BOTH OF YOU.

I NEVER DOUBT THAT YOU GUYS WILL BE LONG, BLOODILY LONG. AND I EVEN TOLD YOUR MUM, HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER AND HOW CAN THAT GIRL MAKE YOU SMILE BLA BLA BLA, AND IT SEEMS TO BE A BLOODY HELP TO PERSUADE HER SO. 

DO NOT FORCE ME TO DO SOMETHING AGAINST MY WILL. I TRIED TO ACCEPT, SO PLEASE DO NOT BLOODILY THINK OF THIS AND THAT. WERE YOU BORED WITHOUT HIM AROUND AND THUS YOU WROTE THOSE FUNNY THINGS? NOT FUNNY. REALLY. I AM REALLY PISSED. 

The last paper in my poly life

Time flies, and I will be facing the most challenging paper among all in my life, the Law of Banking and Finance. Yeah, it may sounds cool, but I dislike this. As in, torturing, and I cried my lungs out for it inside Starbucks. I am immersed in the exam atmosphere, like totally. 

I keep thinking of you, which I do not know why. I hope to talk to you, sharing my dramatic life with you, yet I know I can't, and you won't, and even been rational after times when it comes to matter regarding you. I know I should not disturb you.

I finished the whole glass of Iced Mocha within 15 minutes, and I suffered from palpitation. That was unusual despite the norms I have been practicing for the past weeks. Although I have been drinking this for some times, trying to let my body to get used to the coffee effect, but it was proven not working, AT ALL. In fact, I am suffering from severe headache, and the heart beat rate is getting higher, and the feel of vomiting is always there, but I am trying hard to hold it on. 

Yeah, sooner or later, my stress level increased rapidly, and therefore I cried. Called my uncle, called my roommate, called my parents, just to get comforts from them. I need someone to talk to. 

The fear for exam caused me to procrastinate even more, as I really do not wish to get into doing the revisions. I did a lot of jokes which apparently imbecile, and even soliloquized. I blame my inability in English proficiency, where it seems to be the stumbling blocks towards my comprehensive understanding towards the syllabus throughout the three years in this island.

Demoralization brought by a cruelty deed, and one is thus discouraged for the rest.

Demoralization caused by the IP paper, on the very first day of the very terrible week. How should I survive the rest? I do not know. I could just pray that the following papers to have mercy on me. Things should not be this way. I tried and gave my best shot for this paper, bugged Starbucks just to pay the full attention on this subject yet almost all of us were like 'fooled' by our beloved tutor.

After this first paper of this week, I find myself totally exhausted and I therefore cancelled the revision with friends in school, hoping that I could get a rest, and could start to revise the next subject. It is a TWP (Trust, Wills and Probate). Know what, earlier on I was still deciding whether I should really get myself a done Wills, before I sacrifice myself for the papers, yet I realized I got no property or valuable belongings that I could will them away. I deem myself pathetic!

Brain cells killed, and I can therefore unable to blog anything in Mandarin. As in, I could not think of any nicer phrase for it. In another word, I could also say that this final exam has flooded my mind totally. 

It is raining 'elephants and dinosaurs', oh why this two creatures? It is because cats and dogs in Singapore live peacefully, and they know to find shelter for themselves, but for the two mentioned, they are too big in their sizes to find themselves a shelter. So, that is it. Ohmytian. I know am lame in some sense, I even twisted the original meaning of raining cats and dogs. 

I think I need a rest. Good luck for the next paper!

As well, all the best for one's outstation training in Taiwan. 
Let's strive for the best, and survive the rest. 

Okay bye.

交托主

被一件事烦死了自己，可却无从开口阐明。
这么做不行，那样干也没撤。
到底该怎么问个明白，却也能掩饰得漂亮？
这次真的伤透脑筋。

害怕被骗，却又心甘情愿被骗。
那种反差，真的是伤脑筋。

可我又不懂是否有被骗，怎么办？
心中的天使魔鬼在争执，可最后竟也妥协了。
都吵不出一个所以然，能怎样。

因为这件事，很不开心。
不开心得，和朋友为此吵了一架。
我被蒙蔽双眼了吗？
呵呵，我不知道不明白不晓得叻。

唉，不管了，随便吧。

反更担心你在那头怎么样了？
食物想必好吃哄？
天气，还晴朗吧？会阴晴不定吗？
会想家想朋友想家人想女朋友吧。
可，有让我闪过你的脑海吗？

元宵节快乐。

想学人家放孔明灯，可却因为宗教理由，不得放。
却也因为明天要考试了，也不得去玩。
压力好大呢。

收到大学通知信，给我录取条件，我压力好大。
好像是个不可能的任务。
没关系，尝试吧，我其实没想再读下去。
找不到理由深造，寻不到理由坚持。

你呢？会到哪里去？
真羡慕你的未来路已铺好。

烦恼累积着，人在死命支撑着。
希望但愿祈祷，我拼得去吧。

鹏，加油。
无论什么困难临头，祷告。
祂必看顾你。

若不懂如何开始祈祷，
不如跟着念？
你应该能朗朗上口呗。 

主祷文

我们在天上的父，

Our Father who art in heaven,　

愿人都尊你的名为圣，

hallowed be thy name,

愿你的国降临，

thy kingdom come，

愿你的旨意行在地上，

thy will be done on earth

如同行在天上。 

as it is in heaven.

我们日用的饮食，

Give us this day

今日赐给我们，

our daily bread;

免我们的债，

and forgive us our trespasses

如同我们免了人的债，

as we forgive those who trespass against us;

不叫我们遇见试探，

and lead us not into temptation

救我们脱离凶恶，

but deliver us from evil.

因为过度、权柄、荣耀，

For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory

全是你的，直到永远，

to be Yours forever and ever.

哈利路亚，阿们。

Hallelujah, Amen.

用饭祷文
你也会，而我，
饭前祷文，都是用脑闪过的，
快得不得了，可其实，真的要感恩。

“ 感谢天父赐我饮食，

求主洁净食物，使我食后身体平安，

有力量服事你、荣耀你的名。

求主垂听、悦纳，

哈利路亚，阿们。 ”

早祷文 
其实，我也很少会跪下祷告，
可心里却会默祷，
祈求主能看顾我，让我不再难过、跌倒。

“ 感谢天父让我平安度过了一天，

求主继续带领今日工作，

所行所做，求主引导。

求主怜悯，保守我，叫我不在灵命上跌倒，

求主看顾我，与我同在。

我的祷告，求主垂听，

愿一切荣耀归主你的名，

哈利路亚，阿们。  ”

睡前祈祷
到了夜晚，临睡前的我，
总是疲惫、总是懒散、总是伤感。
可闭上眼睛，会依赖祂，
感恩、也要求怜悯，让我开心起来。
不用灵言祈祷，只用那心在述说，
会担心自己祷告的资格，所以不想说出口。
可真的，看见神的眷顾怜悯，
我感激又感恩。

“ 感谢天父让我平安度过一天，

求主让我有个美梦，

也求主继续带领我脚步，

若有过错，我愿承认，

求主赦免、求主垂听、求主怜悯，

愿一切荣耀归于你的圣名，

哈利路亚，阿们。 ”

不懂阿爸父是否还没放弃我，
祂真的让我每晚都能在梦境遇见你。

说的好听，可我深知，
我不配当神的儿女。
可感激祂依然如此眷顾。

期望阿爸父也能眷顾你在台湾一切的顺利。
加油，我想你。

是不是这样

哭得，更厉害了。
真的很不舒服。

想找个人说话，可有谁能在身旁。

一个十几年的友谊，
终抵不过一年多的相识至恋情。

不应该理会，可也不想吵什么了。
也许只能说，
人家既然也讨厌和你说话，
总得自我反省吧？

我就是一个烂人。

爱情没我的份，
友情也没值我的。

痛啊，哭得在呐喊了。

在想想这想想那，
一切都担心得不得了，
可却什么都不能说，
不能开口问。

我很懊恼。
就算把所有事情打进来，
也减不了什么，何苦。

朋友若陪不了你谈心事，
抑或不停敷衍你，
朋友要来干什么。

跟自己独处没两样。

越想越多，
结果越想越不开心。

咖啡惹得我不好受

今天就尽管写个罗嗦点的吧，我睡不着。早上睡了两个小时，就爬起来得去学校，今天最后一次的考试的第一天。前几天的生理钟坏了，连续喝了几天的咖啡，就为了在Starbucks待上整天。其实不错，虽然还在很努力地让自己适应咖啡带来的快速心跳，可我会继续让身体对它免疫为止。一杯咖啡让我在里头待上了整天，是阿，其实不错。至少有个不错的温书环境让我贪婪着。待在家里的自己会不住的胡思乱想，与其如此，不如，在外头。至少这样，自己会能忍得住眼泪。曾经幻想毕业以后也这样待着，一部电脑，开着部落，把话都打打打出来，让自己的日子不难过。

我也超爱McCafe，一块蓝莓乳酪蛋糕，配上一杯Mochacinno，嗯，就那样，待在那里发呆。在那里我是感性的，看见来往的人龙车辆，一直让我想起当初咱们俩是怎么认识，怎么相知，怎么相爱，怎么争执，甚至怎么分手，怎么受伤，怎么难过。鹏，这一切回忆，你记得有多少？有时想着想着，嘴角会上仰；缺也想着想着，鼻腔开始酸溜溜的，那泪水也在眼里打转着。我不知为何难过，责问自己到底难过什么。

曾经，我想跨一步出去，认识新的男生，可是我走不出去。那份歉意，一直在我心里愧疚着。答应过你的事，我要求自己不能再食言。为了你单身，为了你，我会补偿。惩罚也好，什么都好，倔强的我，也很希望自己能好好爱你。你和她的启程，让我日愈明白，爱你，就算多苦多悲多伤心，就算我们以后又有多不可能，我终究得让你走往你的幸福。你能对我残忍，但我不会再去伤害你。每一次有想揍你的冲动，那股蛮劲，最终还是狠狠地往自己身上捶打着。你曾告诉我，只有当我能放下你，我们才能再成为朋友。我办不到。对不起，我真的尝试了，真的没办法办到。我，真的，对不起。一些些我没办法接受的解释，一句句我没办法忍受的绝情，我，真的，没办法把你当朋友。

我只是，偶尔会想起你。起床时，想想你新的一天过得怎么样了；吃早餐时，想想你的早餐是否提供你足够的力气迎接挑战；上课时，想想你会想念学校的日子吗；午餐晚餐时，想想你满意今天的食物吗、有没有让你吃到你不爱吃的那几样食物；洗澡时，闻着和你一样的洗乳液；洗衣时，也一样闻着那熟悉的味道；对着电脑时，在想，你没什么玩电脑游戏了，你会在做什么呢；睡前，也想想你是否也睡了。

是啊，想想而已。

我其实想当新娘。想想自己还有没有那机会，可看见美丽的新娘，我是有感觉的。感觉告诉我，若真的能够当你的新娘，该多好。穿着婚纱，我会漂亮吗？呵，我只管想，我什么都不能做。像我平时说开的，幸福不属于我。可我也想，若一天真的有人拿着戒指向我求婚，我该答应吗？那是一辈子。我不懂。可那若是对你的保障，保障说我不会再打扰你的生活的一个支票，我想自己应该会。

能不能闭气眼睛就不想再张开？有人说，人是怕死的，所以自我保护意识会很强。可若是一个濒临死亡的人呢？若是一个想活也没办法活下去的人呢，会否怕死？这问题，我也说不出一个所以然。担心这个那个，自然不想就这么走了。若一切事情安排妥妥当当了，会否会有不一样的理念呢？律齐律齐，嗯律齐。

我更有想尝试的事情。

尝试一个女生去吸水烟，去夜蒲，去嗜酒，去放荡。我有想这么做，我想看看，会否真的有这么一个男人会不介意这一切地和自己在一起。朋友说，若我真的这么做，朋友也罢了。友情爱情，真的很伤感情。没有你的日子，当然死不了。我依然吃饭睡觉洗澡看世界。可我也想说，折磨自己的，是那份空虚，那份内疚，那份执着，甚至，我想说，是那份迟来觉悟的爱意，懂不懂。

在很努力地啃书做习题，想考好点不让担心我的人失望。我寄情工作，寄情学校生活，可我真的想问：一个人，能有多少娱乐？庆幸有你妈妈找我聊聊天，让我脑筋能也动一动，想想该说什么让她别担心我。我其实，也担心她，想让你多关心她，可我又无可奈何，不知怎么找你说。还有，我这个人，很喜欢信箱满满的有人打扰。若是空荡荡的，那份落寞，真的不是滋味。 可有多少人愿意死死打扰着我找我说话？我不懂。

恋爱让我很难受，真的很伤身。自残过了，自灭过了，挽回也挽回过了，可怎么会这样，做了一大堆反你的事可却只会让自己遍体鳞伤。看着别人故事关于自己的不真实，看着那虚情假意的一切切却得看开的说，也许一些人在不同人面前会说不同的话吧，可怜兮兮的我真的不懂在博谁怜爱。也很想说，当我白痴的话自己才是那愚蠢的，说谎时得真的记得之前编的稿。呵，算了，没必要解释抑或反驳你的述明，想怎样就怎样，让我免疫了更好，我必不须再烦恼。邱律齐说什么年龄都比九四年的大，当然，自己必能照顾自己，不需要逞大姐的人来告诫自己该怎么活。看着说出来的话，我是气，但是我懂得处理。

哭过就好了，再不行，就再哭一哭，总会好的。

农历新年二零一三，我其实好爱家

 

看见张张照片，是有想家。

看见家里和谐，我喜悦。

不知道曲终人散是如何痛苦，

但是，我会要这家开心下去。

更感谢阿爸父赐阿公阿嬷身体安康。

律齐告诉自己，只要阿公阿嬷还在，我不可倒下。

无论一路上有谁逗留过，

我最爱的，还是他们。

阿公阿嬷的笑容，真的可人。

更感谢阿嬷曾经照顾我出世以来的一二三岁，

那三四年，辛苦他们了。

小时候的律齐，就是被他们养得那么可爱。

如今，她二十一了，阿公阿嬷也白发斑斑了。

可他们依然疼惜我这个长孙女。

 谢谢。

爸爸妈妈，我更是谢谢他们。

感谢他们包容我曾经的叛逆。

更感激他们支持女儿追逐自己爱的陈智鹏。

感动他们对女儿执着个性的谅解，

当然，也对不起让他们一直在担心这个不懂事的自己。

 “律齐”

我爱我独一无二的名字，

这么有个性的一个名。

我什么都不介意，只希望这小康之家能永远整整齐齐。

我会害怕，我也曾经害怕，

害怕哪天家会散。

曾经怕得我快疯了，也感谢那个他，

安抚了我那濒临死亡的心跳。

鹏，谢谢。

团员饭的真谛，我感激每个人都会回乡。

阿公阿嬷希望的，也只不过是全家大小一起用餐。

阿嬷煮的家常便饭，是家里人眼中的山珍海味。

春卷、烧肉、烧鸭、猪肚汤、海参卤肉、福建炒面等。

感恩阿嬷的用心。

那除夕，团圆饭饱尝了，蝴蝶结糕饼也是合家功劳。

只有邱家，每年一家整整齐齐地一起把这些爱，

还有这些不辞辛劳，给做出来。

阿嬷真的辛苦了。

除夕晚，没事。

我年纪也许也大了，还是身体就那么容易疲惫了，

所以，对烟火炮竹的兴趣也失了。
看着小的在开心，我也享受到了乐趣所在。

可是，当晚的烟花真的璀璨。

邻里户户燃放烟花及红炮竹，那长达数五至十分钟的美丽，

的确，让我感慨，让我不由得赞叹。

我是很爱烟花的律齐。

虽然短暂，但美丽会存在我脑海里。

养不足精神的守岁，可却其实只是在陪伴阿嬷。
姐妹们也为了解闷玩起了牌来。
能说上是一个健康的牌局呗。

一个人等待那香熄灭，被烟熏灼的眼睛落泪不停。

不是在哭，可却用这方便，顺便落了泪，

那串串我憋已久的泪水。

撑了许久，也终于能抒发。

是啊，好多了。

初一初二，我穿上了自己购买的新年服。

往年，有你在旁唠叨说这件暴露，那件显眼。

可今年没了你，衣服也买得很没主题。

那疯狂的血拼，让我口袋啄了不小洞。

可我不怨。

只是看着往年摆在橱柜里的衣，我一直避不了去想你。

爱上爱着你送的电卷棒，看着曲卷的头发，

也不时想到了你为我生日的用心良苦。

只可惜，为了确定你在乎，
竟然连去年的生日也和你找了架吵了一场。
是我，领悟你的爱，领悟得慢了。

全家福，少了我大伯。
早在几年前，因车祸过世了。
想到他，伤口隐隐作痛。
更何况是我白头人送黑头人的阿公阿嬷。
和二伯属于双胞胎的大伯，
那一个，曾经在我小时候爱抱着我转圈圈，
在我想涂鸦画画折纸飞机时，
把收集的农日历，一叠叠地递给我的他。
我清楚记得，在他出事时的一直祷告，
直到大伯过时的消息，
传到刚补习到家可又接着在赶下一场补习的我耳子里。
那时候的崩溃，
那时把大伯撞死的肇祸女司机前来烧冥纸时对她的怨恨，
收拾他遗物看见他收藏自己几十年前上小学的作业簿，
真的在埋怨自己没好好爱大伯。
第一次承受丧失亲人的痛楚，
看见阿公阿嬷丧儿的悲哀，
看见爸爸伯伯叔叔姑姑们丧失大哥的痛苦，
我也自责过。
曾经大伯在世事拍过的全家福，是曾经有的唯一一张，
可却被我糊涂的按了数码相机的删除键给洗了。
我其实内疚，更是对不起家里的每一个人。
看见二伯，想着他是否会感慨，
平时的饭后二人在秋千闲聊，
到如今的孪生哥哥留下他一人，
秋千不再像从前热闹了。
看见二伯抱起弟弟转圈圈，
我是想起当初大伯如何如此给我童年。
想告诉他，我也没忘记他。

堂表兄弟妹能这样聚在一起，
是让我庆幸感恩的。
能不能，大家就一直幸福下去。

 嗯，他是我表哥。
是一个好欺负，却很大哥哥的表哥。
从小我们两个就一起成为阿公阿嬷的包袱，
轮流被阿公抱，被阿嬷疼的照片，
其实保存的好好。
希望他和女朋友开花结果呗，
我也蛮希望有个表嫂让我叫。
我想当被疼的那个，虽然说我也老了。

感情和我较好的堂妹，也只小我那两岁，
自她出世以后也由阿公阿嬷照顾，
和我一样，曾经也是淘气鬼。

家里的老小，是个淘气妞。
总得出动手机，才能让她乖乖待着。
要人疼的我竟然也期许小妞会疼这个姐姐。
万分庆幸，她是疼我的。
总阿齐姐姐前，
阿齐姐姐后地嚷嚷嚷个没完。
疼她，每个人都一样疼。
虽然有时的野蛮任性让我无可奈何，
可也无所谓，
谁让她那么讨喜。

家里少不了的主角，
就是家里最小的他，
看见他就是一脸开心，
时常也逗得每个人笑得尽兴。
我在意这小瓜，除了他可爱，
也因为他是在我三年前过来新加坡的那一晚出世的。
就，感觉他像是我三年生活日子的象征。

能想象这淘气鬼学人说话时的逗趣吗？
下图，是他认真的看了广告，
学着首相纳吉中文的自我介绍，
“我是纳吉，我是纳吉，我是纳吉”
想象一下这瓜的模仿能力，我被他逗笑了。
像个演说家吧？
任何广告内容，他都会认真地在观赏，
跟着，就是不停模仿。
没有他，家里也许没那么有生气。

还有我两个妹妹，生活里也永远不能没有他们。
 这个，是陪我诉说心中苦，
可又能替我对家里保密的妹妹。
信仰坚固的她，也时常唠三叨四地，
提醒我祷告感恩去教会。
也谢谢她在家里的贡献，
为爸爸减轻负担的妹妹，是个好妹妹。

也感谢家里的大娃娃，可爱却不失重量的妹妹。
她其实很疼我这个姐姐，
可我也希望她成才，别像这个姐姐那么不争气，
而时常挖苦她，要她读书，
不让她玩电脑。
我其实懂她的好，我也庆幸有这一个妹。
谢谢她知道姐姐执着着陈智鹏，
也会支持姐姐，
说若他是她姐夫，该有多好。
可律齐懂，这将是永远的不可能。
 

只希望说，我能开开心心的一直过日子。
我不期待自己能长命，
只求阿爸父让我能追逐自己想要的，
别那么快让他将我避入死角就好。

 只能伤感说自己再也不会是你故事里的女主角，

更只能怪自己当初的不争气。