The 100th day

Time flies.
How do you do..

乌龟

怎么了我，怎么怕成这么一个样。

第一次，我第一次临场退缩，不考试了。

我不懂怕什么，就是感觉没准备好。

我要颓废了是不是。

元宵前夕，那中西情人节

日子倘若过得快，未免不是件好事，

至少快快过快快活，很快就能和你们打个招呼了。

呵，这短暂的离别。

今天元宵前夕，没什么特别伤感，或许还没，但愿不会。

日子能好好过吗？苦的让我尝够了吗？甘甜能让我尝了吗？

不懂呢，如果还有，也只能静静地受。

伤离别，离别虽然在眼前，

说再见，再见不会太遥远。

重逢在天国，在茫茫人海中，会错过和你打招呼的机会吗？

焖烧锅

又活跃了，部落。

担心了，怎么办。
不是我杞人忧天，而是真的，
为什么一直有事情不断要阻挠我向前迈进。

爸妈终于将小表妹接回家了，
二姨，在天上看着她也能说是安心了，
栽培她成人的日子预了不会好过，
可爱她的那份心，真的每个人都有。

自家妹妹不懂事，可又能怎样，
嘴里劝的骂的都说了，只希望她能懂事些，
别再给爸妈添这些麻烦。
好好顾着小表妹不行吗，真的就谦让些而已啊，
虽然说不能纵着她怕会习惯一辈子，
说不能以怜悯她的方式教育她怕她活得不同，
可谁真的懂就算心里打底多爱她，也想弥补她失去的父爱母爱。

不敢离开阿嬷家，怕家里出了什么事我必懊悔一辈子，
可又想回家看看欣卉她还适应吗，顺便能说说那霸道的妹妹。
可我真的烦了烦，烦了又烦，我自答不出一个所以然。

我累，真的累。
出了朋友一直和我说话的时候，
其余时间，我是又闷又累又心寒。

自己很烦，可不懂在烦些什么。

我懊恼了。

Saddist

So my parents decided to take my Er Yi's 7yo daughter Sin Hui to our place for her primary school education. It would be rather a burden for my parents, for she's all my Er Yi and uncle left, their only daughter left for them. I don't know how the upcoming 6 years gonna be like, neither do the maybe-11-years. Everything is going to be an unknown, however, the only thing daddy and mummy are sure about, is to shape her in becoming a better human being. I feel so sorry to have to let them doing this on their own, I feel sorry for not able to see her growing up, but one thing I know, is that everyone is trying so hard to make 2014 a better life. 

I am at times worried, that how long more all these people am seeing and remembering in my eyes and soul will last. *touchwood* but I really want them to live forever. It is rather obvious that all these are impossible in the Kingdom of the Lord, but I really wish it could last. 

This is seen on Facebook, and I was in a deep thought and dilemma. 

Where life is after all a playground. 

Are we people really going back to His arm? Will we be seeing each other again one day later in a far away future? 

I have no sense of these, no more.

I am tired of people living and suffering from sickness and pain. It is nothing more but a torture. All these are tormenting me. Dear you, your death triggered all these. Are all these fated to be such? That for the rest of my life I will have to bear the pain to have lost you forever, to love you most the rest of my life. 

I have once thought, that how am I going to let you go, how our relationship going to end with this stubborn me to want loving you such. Who knows the Almighty would choose this way to end all these for us. If I would know, I would have promised to have grown more maturely to have myself with you throughout the last few years of your life. 

I do not wish to let you go. I never want to let you go. I really do miss you. I ain't strong like how people used to describe me. 

You are. You are the one boy who has the only detriment, that is to step on my heart. Every time. And you make me cry. Every time. 

The 84th day

I missed too many blog posts, two weeks posts? I missed the 77th posts way too far. Hey all of you, up there, Happy Lunar New Year. I missed too many things in life, I miss you. How's life? Perhaps I should say that I am getting used to this kind of life, where I have to keep worrying and worrying. Not a big deal though, as it is just part and parcel of life. People have been telling me that life is never a bed of roses, but what's happening now is, haha I can't see even a single rose.

How ridiculous is life treating the human beings now. 

我在向前走　卻像在退後

我在用想念　狂歡寂寞

越快樂就越失落　愛將我們高高舉起以後

再讓心　學會墜落

懷念著　寬闊的天空

雖然那裡　空氣很稀薄

我努力　想起你　笑著哭泣

讓自己　深愛你　再學會放棄

我不想忘記你　就算可以　我寧可記得所有傷心

我努力　想起你　哭也沒關係

用祝福　和感激　勇敢失去你

愛你這個決定　雖然艱辛　我不說對不起

If I were to continue every blogposts, it would rather be the same missing you lullabies. The similar feelings, the similar loving heart, and every similar words of missing you, perhaps the only difference is the way of uttering these out. 

I miss you. I really do. 

But where are you. 

Moody days.

Hi home, and hi new year, how would it be without the same thing same people and same environment? People left and people started to get lonelier and lonelier as years go. How would it be for a new year without you? I can't imagine that. I just know that the elderlies at home gonna feel terribly bad for this new year..

God, if you do exist, please guide everyone.

The 70th day

Time flies, again I say every time I post. I missed the 63rd post, ya because I birthday girl right, busy mah hahaha... Life still sucks. I do not know how many bad things gonna happen in my family after you it is so much like a curse. What have I done really that wrongly to deserve all these..?

Can I count?

After you and your dad, my Er Yi.
Then attention seeking waipo attempted suicide and fainted but refused to go hospital;
One or two weeks later, my 16yo cousin bro was admitted into PICU and got his cancer diagnosis;
Another one week later right after my pre bday celeb, my Er Bo fell off during work at work site;
At the same time, my Er Jiu got admitted into ICU and got dengue fever which since Er Yi's passed;
One week later, grandpa fell down inside toilet and started to have deterioration;
Again at the same time, grandma had high fever and suspected dengue and very low platelets;
And my mum... UGHHH.

OK CAN. IN TWO MONTHS TIME...

In just two months time bullshits never stop happening. Hey what happened? Some people just do not know how do I exactly feel, they judged using their rational logic just because they have not been through all these themselves. Actually one or two person. I need something to really let me rely on. I rather keep mourning on his death than facing all bullshits that you claim that it's part and parcel of our lives. WHO DO NOT KNOW THAT. But they all came in one shot. In two months time. Just a bloody short two months and I simply do not understand WHY. You don't know how dearly all of them to me. You don't know what I have been through. You don't know that I really love them REAL LOTS. Things can really make me crazy. I don't need you to teach me what to do, I know it clearly than you do.

If you do not know, sometimes I just need to cry it out.. But you do not know any. No more. You're getting further and further.

Ugh. Other platforms are sometimes better. Different platform has different ways of throwing different tantrums. Yea life goes on, darling you said this always. I know it clearly but it is just torturing when I have to see all these happened one by one. I am afraid if I would get numb one day. I am so much afraid that my feelings gonna really get shut down and I don't feel any anymore. I feel pain. I still wish to cry for person I love when they are leaving because they are whom I wanted to care the most. I am really afraid. I still wish to feel the pain, but it just heal too fast, sometimes it comes, sometimes it disappears, sometimes it goes, in a blink of eyes. I am afraid when I can really smile and laugh once I am outside with people, I don't feel sad neither do I feel like crying. If this is a really good sign, I wouldn't mind, but if things gonna get worse, please stop me. Someone please make me cry out in public. I beg for this, really. Do me this favour.

What happened to my new year reso? I just wanted life to start getting better, but how come it goes completely the opposite way..

Life, please do me good favour..


Please.

Dear Diary, Sorry Diary.

Life's a little..actually it's quite messy these days, to the extent that I have no time to update anything even if I wish so much to. Soon, soon and I'll keep this updated dear diary.

Life?

F

U

C

K 

T

H

I

S

L

I

F

E

世界上最短的诅咒就是你的名字

我觉得好冷，在医院里病人就算不是我，我也一样感觉好冷好冷。

看着坚强的他我很是欣慰，不懂几天以后还能依然这样开朗吗？

但愿如此嗯，要好好加油，姐姐爱在心里口难开，尤其对你这个大孩子。

妈妈忧郁忧郁似的，说真的我真的有点害怕，就算其实不算是害怕。

二舅入院了两次，说他差点中风。唉，人生。(:

我以挥霍来抵制心中的一切闷闷不乐，很受伤，也好像没事。

想着陈智鹏这三个字，又得祈祷自己能够好好的了，别想别想，噢。

听到了很让我咬牙启齿的事情，我不懂可以如何反应，

也许既来之则安之吧，缘来缘去。

因果报应，一定会有的，要相信。

好了累了，不说了，好困，好难过，晚安。

谁值得感恩

叔叔打了通电话，让我一天代替他们照顾堂弟。
我也听听了一些诉说，让我不知该感慨或怎么样的。
证实了是癌症，需要化疗，虽然痊愈率很高。
我不懂该感恩吗？
不明白，为什么明明不该发生的事情，祢让它发生了，
让我和所有人伤痕累累了你再来说，噢其实还是有希望，
然后要这些寄托于你的人向祢感恩，说，恩典够用？

阿嬷也懂了这些消息，她伤心了，
让我心疼的一句话，莫过于“最近为什么不好的事都来家里？”
我不知怎么去安慰，不知怎么能安抚她，
好担心，真的好担心。

我说，想要好日子，日子想要在今年慢慢好起来，
可祢嫌我不够伤，祢再加了机关枪，轰了我几回，
再来告诉我一个没那么坏的消息，让我觉得，
噢，日子好像真的慢慢好起来了。

我依然想相信主宰命运的祢，
可是一切切的大便真的打击我的信心不少，
说什么一大堆，最后的枪弹还是我挡着。

今天星期一，上了一整天的课，我真的好累。
吃得撑撑的，好让自己能打瞌睡，再大睡一觉。
肚腩，也就那么一个样子有了。

身边我爱的你们，能发自内心地笑给我看吗？
我希望你你你，好好地笑，真诚地笑，
苦日子能结束的，你能决定的，好不好？

我想就算是我一个人时，也能开心地笑着。

The 56th day

Time does fly and problems after problems and it doesn't seem like stopping any sooner. I wish only one thing for new year where 2014 could start to be better. In fact it does not, but more and more tragedy-like things happen like there's no tomorrow. It sounds more like my doomsday, which I hope not. I talk a lot when I see friends, I laughed like a total siao ginna, I put on smile whenever I could. I have tried this hard, but life never fails to disappoint me in any.

I really am tired, seeing all these that happened. Perhaps you would tell me, to look through life and death. Or maybe I realised it so well, that life is cruel, but I never thought it would happen like a short gun, one by another one. Life sucks sometimes when I especially know nothing about tomorrow. It is like you gonna pay for your smile on your face. You try to be happy, but it is more like 'to be happy, you have to give this and this or that in exchange". Why do life being this fair to people I love? I know I shouldn't let life cripples me but I really had no choice. It is like, whatever I do, it is wrong, still wrong and never right.

Are y'all doing fine up there? Enlighten me, for I don't wanna be so helpless especially when I urged so much to want lending my hands. I do not want to be a useless freak who could only see people around me suffer but I can only do nothing.


Guide my life.
I had enough of these heart attacks.

心在淌血

世事难料，一切不愉快让我觉得日子很是沧桑。

懂不懂这些悲伤，让我不懂能怎么坚强。

每晚的唉声叹气似乎平息不了心中的一切伤感。

我还是不明白，

怎么一切切的一切切以后，还是要给我这些大便扛着。

让我什么都做不了却只能看着他们痛苦，说穿了我也真的很难受。

表妹不乖，真的难以想象真的把她接过来以后是要怎么顾好她。

她叛逆她不听话，可每每想着她自小失去双亲，我更多是心疼。

只能处处包容谦让，想让她感受更多亲人们给的爱，来弥补她失去的。

可真的可行吗？多年后的她我很担心。我想让二姨二姨丈安心，真的想。

担心家里四个老人家—阿公阿嬷外公外婆。

担心他们真的越来越老了，坏嘴巴也说，他们迟早一天会离开。

我不想再失去任何一个人。

他们年事已高却都经历白头人送黑头人，教我怎么安慰他们？

大伯走了也快六年了，可我看得懂他们其实还想念他，就连我也是。

看着空荡荡的房间，我依然会想着大伯在那里进进出出，真的很想念。

堂弟也患上癌症，年纪轻轻的，不仅仅他，就连我也接受不了。

那么聪明伶俐的孩子，这些波折真的要这样搞垮他吗？

同样也有癌症的婶婶妈妈，看着自己的孩子这样，我也担心她病情会恶化。

看着，我都只能看着陪伴着，什么都做不了。

痛着的还不仅仅这些，还有你和你爸爸。

意外，带走了大伯，也带走你们两个。

教我怎么不想崩溃？

经过任何一个和你走过的角落，我痛彻心扉。

除了这样我不懂怎么去形容。就是痛之极。

我一直想部落，可一直拖着拖着到了今天，

再不写写泄泄，我知道我脑袋真的会爆炸。

我不想听闻不想看见，

能是一只开心的鸵鸟我心甘情愿。

泪崩个没完没了，天注定

说真的，不坚强了行吗？
一波未平，另一波又起，到底想怎样？
为什么2014年又给我个烫芋头。

你们坚强啊，癌症真的好可怕，
我不懂这些原来可以那么地缠人残忍。

走了的你们，保佑留下来的所有人好不好。
我不行了。

The 49th day

Time flies. You and daddy left for this long, and my Er Yi left for a week plus already too. I don't know what else more I could say, except the pain that lies in me up till now.

Thank you, it was a blessed 49th day indeed.

Hey yo, I am soon a 22yo, if I were to follow the lunar calendar am said a 23yo. I have been living for a soon 22 years, and life has gone thru the peak and low. I should be thankful for what I am having now.

It is really good to stay alone, that you don't have to worry that anyone could then bother your sorrows. However, somehow life sucks when you need reading eyes and listening ears but you have none.

2013, HAHAHAHAHA. It was just another heartbreak despite those happy moments I had.. I am loved, I liked, I loved, I hated, I forget, I forgave.

Mind is bursting. That's all.

Still thank you.

It's hard to say goodbye

I missed the 42nd day post when my second aunt passed away. Life sucks. I didn't even get to update anything for this new year. Another bad year after 2012, and 2013 was bad too. This is another year, good or bad one? I really don't know. When you're fated to go through these bullshits, you just have to. I hate it. I really do.

New Year reso, I have been telling people when they asked, and most of them should know: 2014 need not to be good in a night time, but please, start to get better. I pray. Please stop anything bad starting 2014. It pains me whenever I have to think about all these..

Breast cancer is something real scary, I think same goes to the other type of cancer too, aye? Sucky day at work when I got to know that her situation is kinda critical, and could leave anytime. Do you know how I reacted to that? Rationally I called up friend to tell him help finding people to replace me for work, but I ended up feeling bad for letting people to find a replacement in hours time, and I thought I REALLY THOUGHT she could at least go thru new year and I therefore told them that I could continue working for one more day, so that they could have more time to look for replacement..

I WAS WRONG. Totally wrong.. when I got the phone call from sister telling me that she left.. It was another heartbreaking. I was shivering. O'Lord tell me why these happened? I know I know that this is the best way for her to end her pain and her suffering life, but why get her this disease in her life, why end her life when she was supposed to enjoy her entire life when her children get to be filial to her. She could have waited the day to come..

I hated the cousin whom I not even really met for few times after I've lived for this 21 years. I hated especially her. WTF SHE'S YOUR MOTHER WHAT IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO PAY HER LAST RESPECT YOU TELL ME? BEING THE ELDEST AND THINK BACK HOW SHE PROTECTED YOU WHEN SHE WAS STILL CARRYING YOU IN HER STOMACH?! THE DRUG ADDICT HUSBAND KICKED HER AND SHE PROTECTED YOU WITH HER LIFE. WTF WTF WTF DID YOU JUST DO TO REPAY HER?! I shall say no more perhaps. I have been holding on my anger calling you "DA BIAO JIE" in front of my aunt, ya perhaps you're still blind folded not knowing the truth behind everything, but please, even your brothers could think better than you to pay last respect for the mother. SHE'S YOUR MOTHER!! NO MATTER HOW YOUR FATHER'S SIDE MIND FUCKED YOU SHE'S AFTER ALL YOUR MOTHER! Use your bloody brain to think, you should be able to think better when you're mother of TWO children. Damn it. Because of Er Yi, I swallowed all my anger and let the funeral to be at the very peace. I wanted to scold you and even giving you a slap hoping you would wake up from your nonsenses.

You bloodily got her last will vanished. AND I HATE YOU. Karma. You will receive it, for what you have done, seriously.

Two heartbreaks in two months wtf.

I hate it when I myself already feeling the very pain, I still have to comfort the people around me. Can I just die as well. I hate life. I really do. Dear Stcp, guide me. I know you're fine, but if you happen to see my Er Yi and Yi Zhang, please help to take care of them with your daddy. Tell them that all of us will be good.

It's really torturing me. Hell no I can never cry out in front of people anymore no matter how much I feel like. BULLSHIT LIFE. YA O'LORD, TAKE ME AWAY TOO IF YOU REALLY NEED TO TAKE ANY. ME!!!! NOT THEM ANYMORE. NO MORE!!!!

Er Yi, please rest in peace. I promise that I will love Xin Hui more, yes I will do.
Dear Stcp and Daddy, rest in peace too, for I will love mummy, jiejie and ur family and take the very best care of them when I still afford to.

KILL ME PLEASE.

痛

这是糟糕的一个年头，可却有着美好时光在里头，

好坏参半，我无从否认，这一年是有多姿多彩。

失去你失去爱情失去了所有回忆，

我多期望身边有护我一生的人。

没心部落，我只懂我很失落。

没心情写太多，我懂我写不出了。

就这样，我需要时间。

I am scared

Can somebody tell me why must shit happen one after another. Please. Don't tell me you Almighty can't do these. Please build my faith again towards you. I wish to believe your ability O Lord. You have taken him and his daddy away. NO MORE PLEASE. NO MORE PEOPLE I LOVE THAT YOU CAN TAKE AWAY PLEASE.

Take me away instead, please. If you ever need anyone just pick me. Just take me away. Let all of them live longer than me. Please. I beg you.

I am scared. Real scared.. Please, stay healthy. I love you.. 

鼻酸

遇见了一个人，工作认识的，在我工作时。
原来他也认识你的，他也原来懂我是谁，
看见了我他过来打了个招呼，
问我说 诶你不是XXX的XXX吗？
我说，哦你认识他啊，
他说嗯，更懂你离开了，
问我说怎么两个分手了，
因为看见报导放着你女朋友的照片，
说奇怪怎么看都不像我，
当然啊，都分手了怎么能像我呢。
我苦笑了，可得客客气气地回答，
心都开始揪着痛了，
有时候好佩服自己忍痛的能力，真的。

喜欢打字时不停地HAHAHAHHAHA不然就哈哈哈，
像个傻婆在到处笑也其实不懂我在真的笑或是怎样。

刚刚又吞了胃痛药，怎么我一直忘了吃。
忘了过后懒了，就这样有一天。

可今天挺开心的说，
朋友说我脸比较尖了，瘦了。
是啊，圆鼓鼓的我终于能瘦回一些了。

也许值得开心。

今天和你妈妈聊了我的爱情观，
其实我也不懂自己想什么，
自己到底要什么，
懂啊，你要我开开心心的我懂，
我有很努力这一年多两年来你一定有看到的不是吗。
你也应该懂我尽力了，不是吗。

真的勉强不来，
你不再喜欢我，我勉强不来，
就像你的好朋友，就算他多喜欢，真的也勉强不来。
我不懂怎么去让他了解，
觉得对不起可又真的我不能心软。

爱够了，我好累好疲惫。
我想安安静静地过生活，让我继续缅怀你也好，
放不下你也罢，
让我静静地活着再慢慢病死老死都行。
当然想要个踏实的肩膀靠着，
可真的又好累，不敢也不知如何再往外面的世界踏足。

别再骂我了，对不起。

The 35th day

I have once prayed 2013 to be a good one, at least a better one even though I did not make it to a count down and I had the worst ending for the 2012. I thought it had gone better ever since I knew these new friends in Singapore, like Seow Hung, Hui Hui, Tong, Jie Xiang, Mayer, Zhi Huan, Lao Da, especially, they really pulled me away from nightmares. I start to know what life is about after a year of hardship I went through. I feel glad, because I still have my sisters-since-young who cared so much about me like lingirl, chyi, leesin, yan, and jie, who never failed to try cheering me up with whatever they can do to. I should have appreciated these.

But shit never choose to stop happens. Look at where are you now, not even in the crowd, and there's no more way that I can see you again.. Maybe, during the day of judgement, maybe..

WHERE ART THOU.

你好吗？

我好像一个失了忆的女人，
开始慢慢记回过往的回忆，
头疼地突然记起，
心也日愈感觉疼痛，
可是为了不想忘记，
只能拼命地把他们打出来，
就因为我不想错过你的任何一个小回忆。

大大小小，
所有所有，
真的，
我好想念。
日子难过日子过，
我看着一切切，
我害怕死亡，真的。

别再这样了。
每个人都好好活着可以吗。
我真的快崩溃了。

在飞机里若要能好好过只能这样。

你呀你，我真的不懂怎么处置你。

梦见关于你的，其实大概大概都忘了，

只能靠着当时一清醒写下的维特，

来试图想起当初梦见你的起与落。

记得清楚的，是你变得，好看了。

一年多没见，真的你看起来终于更稳重了。

好吗你？想你，真的好想你。

我想责怪自己为什么每当一想起你时的那股心疼，

一直一直想，结果一直一直痛。

二姨她，我好希望她没事，希望她健健康康的，能保护她吗？

我不懂还能顶着多少次看着爱的人们离开我，

我曾经那么天真的以为，我真的是被上天庇佑的女孩，

有过两个曾经那么爱我的男孩，尤其是你。

除了游戏游戏游戏不说，你真的其实很疼我，只是我领悟得慢了好慢好慢了。

结果我现在才明白，我不是被保佑的，我是来受罚的，

也许是因为我干了无可饶恕的罪，主耶稣基督才会这样来惩罚我，

让我看着身边人的生老病死。

想想当时候的你我，我外公病重入院了，

你是多么的替我着急，陪着我去搭巴士，

结果发生了不愉快的事，我在半途被放下车，

让我在高速公路上走着去车费站。

哽咽着地告诉你以后，你好生气好生气的，我一回来下巴士，

你就带着我就气冲冲去找他们，只怕你会控制不了的我，拼命地拉着你，

结果必需比你凶地责问讽刺着他们为何会干出这种事来，

我们俩最后还是得不到什么满意的答复，去了第二次，还是一样。

那时起，你就让我从新山上车，一定陪伴我到车站，等我车开了以后你再离开。

假如，

我能更早带你见我父母家人，我们的感情是否会更加坚固？

更不会到最后这样输给了时间你朋友及我家人。

你和我的多数家人，其实都有碰面的机会，

我公公婆婆爸爸妈妈叔叔婶婶，对不起，让你当初只能窥望他们，

当时的自己有着残忍的过往，只觉得一切必需妥妥当当，一点差错都不能有，

只是没想到，结果还是错了。

他们其实也窥望过你，

他们其实说没再反对我交往，

他们其实告诉我有你照顾我他们好放心，

可是他们从来没说，我也就从来都不懂，只能一直这样与你爱着活着，

知道最后分手了，说这些也许算是你的解脱。

我不懂自己可以责怪谁，除了我自己。

我错了，真的太多太多遗憾，我好希望，能再来一次。

这飞机好颠簸，摇晃得好厉害，

在飞机里这样敲打着键盘，我心疼得好厉害。

讨厌在一个人的时候，一定不由自主地想起你，

还有我们的过往，和我还温存的回忆。

原来我们的回忆其实有更多更多，只是日子久了，真的慢慢地不记得了，

别人提起，我才想起，要不然，那些回忆在心坎里，也许一辈子也挖掘不出来。

有回忆，其实偶尔很不错，

不用我去诉说你我，有着和你在一起的朋友，

都能告诉我你曾经如何爱我，

我又如何不懂怎么珍惜，结果一直错下去。

为什么身边的人都这样

担心，很很很担心，

我不想任何人再离开我的世界。

家里人病情告急了，

听着说医生也束手无策，我甚感心寒。

为什么一波未平一波又起。

把头发剪得短了，烦恼丝本该离开我，

怎们烦恼丝的灵魂好像还附在剩余头发上，

一点也没少掉。

很害怕，很无助，我无能地不懂能分担些什么。

让每个人好好活着不行吗，

为什么这样一个个考验，有完没完呢。

我拿不出信心，我拿不出勇气面对死亡。

是不是如果我选择离开身边所有我关心的关心我的，

我就不用面对这些？

孤独也许没那么不好，

至少不用一次次去经历这些幸福以后再残忍地被夺走。

真的很迷惘，不懂我还能怎么乐观地想。

因缘具足，生死皆自在。

也许是的，也许说的正确。

可是一个人从开始到结束都孤独着，

真的比幸福一千一万倍以后一切才被夺走来的好。

不懂，很很很乱。

今天十二月十七日

一个月了，就这样一个月了。
彻夜难眠，心情根本就无法很好，
一想起，心情就沉入谷底。

这个世界有一种孤独，别人永远不懂。

属于我们的盒子，爸爸终于将他从橱上扛了下来，
我有着不一样的感动，感动着爸爸做的，
可倔强的我，还是选择不言不语，
很坏很倔，可我不懂可以怎么做。
就发脾气发了整个晚上，实在不应该。
和妹妹吵了一架，就这样我辛苦了，
全家人也陪我折腾了。

我不懂，真的不懂为什么那么莫名奇妙，
为什么心情突然的下沉，到我真的不知如何是好。

早上醒来，我一直能直视的橱上那箱盒，
突然间不见了，我顿时吓醒了，
第一个感觉，会不会是爸爸生气了丢了，
结果发现，它其实在客房，好好地摆在那里。

我松了一口气。

慢慢地靠近它，我好紧张，真的心跳好快。
真的，我不懂自己为什么需要这样子。

不哭了，不哭了。
不懂为何再也无法哭泣了，
就算伤心心疼心碎，我就是一副强女人样，
你说过你不喜欢女强人，而我偏偏越变越这么一个样。

对不起啊，真的。
你离开我多久了，怎么这些日子里就是无法抹掉你。
为什么占据了心中越来越大的位置，
让我容不下其他的人，为什么。

我昏沉沉昏沉沉地睡了整天，
不舒服就是不舒服，怎么办。
一天内感觉特别累，很累很疲惫的那种。
到了旁晚，好不容易，终于较清醒了，
就这样，迟了部落，一切都迟了。

我想你了，真的。

没人明白，那就算了。讲不明白，也就算了。

就到此为止吧

我也受够了这些

好过，好过，好难过

笑了是笑了，可苦了却哭了，而累了就泪了。

今天乐了一整天，好好的一个心情，
原本我还真的很爱这一天这么样的一个庇护着我，
因为根本就是这样奢侈兼无忧无虑的生活，
让我的灰色天空增添了一丝丝的红橙黄绿蓝靛紫，
可一踏进家门，想到的又是同一个你，
苦的还是自己，不能睡就是不能睡，
撑了撑了撑了，第二天就成了熊猫妹。

鹏鹏鹏鹏鹏。

能每天每时每刻都不需要想到你吗？
想到你就只有哗然的心疼心痛，
我无能为力也无法自拔只能眼睁睁看着自己折腾自己。

这个女人好累好累，只能一直让物质来麻痹自己，
那样一个日子还有多久多久才称得上是个好日子？
我控制不了，懂不了，明白不了。

只能一味接受你遗留下来我一辈子的惩罚，
也只能唉声叹气却力不从心地接受命运的安排。
那些日子，是苦涩的，是酸溜溜的，是咸嗒嗒的。
也许我真的只能这样了，这样在苦日子中苦中作乐。

今天尽吃了好多好多的甜食，
也许有空余时间再上传吧，我好累，
这样麻痹自己其实真的真的不是普通的累。

是啊，
我十分非常真的48害怕自己难过，
可让我更虚脱的，是我控制不了自己打架的脑袋，
我也想让自己不要那么难过，
除了狂吃甜食我不懂还有什么出路可征服。

一样地给自己上了好多堂关于你的课，
补着习，都是教诲教育着陈智鹏回忆录，
教着我如何记得你记得爱记得回忆，
再让着本能一生受用，
结果律齐，就这样忘了忘记。
上课时也说了，要对自己懊悔的人事物负责任，
结果律齐，就着样甘心受罚一辈子了。

可是，真的，在这爱情的道路上，
我们都走偏了，不是不爱了，而是不对时日了，
结果跌下山崖，

就那一失足成千古恨，再回头，已是不可能。


晚安。

The 28th day

It's been a month. Hi how are you..up there? Doing fine? I know you will be. This week is rather peace for me regardless my mood my mind my emotion. I have been controlling really well. Time heals although not perfectly. Whenever I miss you too much, I Dayre, and hence made up the reason why don't I blog so often over here. Maybe some platform is way better to utter my feelings. Escapism is needed and thus, I am everywhere blogging, as long as I find myself comfy, as long as I don't cry, as long as I don't feel too much pain.

Some friends asked about you. I told them, but the heart is really aching. I masked myself up and that doesn't really seem to work well. I feel so much suffocated when it comes to thinking of you. I miss you even more, ever since the day we broke off, more and even more, day by day.. I really don't know how long this will last. You never seem to disappear from my mind, since the break up, even since the day we first met.. How could you be so influential? I really don't know.

I said this, but I think I'm saying it again..

There are people who discussed about us, like literally asking me wtf am I doing to still linger around the past and not moving on still, even after a year plus, and I don't even look like I will do few years later.

Perhaps I can only answer you doubt this way..
ONLY IF I know the reason why.. You think I don't wish to get rid of these? I simply can't.

It's been a year going two. I don't know how to make some people understand this, maybe they just won't. Sometimes, it's because they never tried to love someone this much before. I don't blame, but don't provoke my rights to these.

Tormenting moments and I've bold myself to try serving myself a better life. Although I am suffering, I promise myself that everyday, I will mask myself up facing the world. No more Facebook saddist posts, neither detailed blogposts, nor frequent instagram posts, lesser tweets, sometimes Dayre.

I.. have came to a point where I realised that I don't actually have to please everyone. I will really go mad if I don't have any platform to free myself. I just do not wish to trigger sadness when seeing all him-related posts, and that's why I have been quite reluctant to share my blogpost but at the same time I really do not wish to privatise my blog, due to some very reason, forgive me, but just..

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

I'm not feeling less pain than anyone he cared. At some point it's really equally or worse. How should I cure the heart break. I've been a heart breaker, breaking others' and being broke by others. Tell me about it..

I have been eating a lot recently. Congrats, for I've gained weight.

xoxo.

晚安

知道你现在没在恋爱，整年不见以后，

不懂你实在在哪儿，一切真的都埋葬土里了吗？

你在干嘛？

你在哪儿？

以往，能给自己答案，

说，噢你在陪陪女朋友讲电话，

说，噢你在辛苦却不亦乐乎地锻炼着，

说，噢你在哪里哪里庆祝着什么重要的日子，

说，噢你在睡着觉还是很累了就很沉很沉的那一种，

结果这次，永远在睡着了。

鹏，

我听过睡美人，

没听过能有睡男人呢，

要相信这是个现实的世界啊鹏，

根本不会有童话故事出现的好不好。

起来告诉身边你爱他们他们也爱你的好人们，

说这是迟来的愚人节惊喜吧，行吗？

现在，问着你在哪儿你在干什么，

我自认答不上嘴，只能靠着想像力，

把你推崇最美好的地方，让心灵好过些，

可你真的在哪里，也许真的只有我们再遇见了，

我才会懂得吧。

会再见面吗？

那个世界存在吗？

生活是都一样美好吗？

如果痴信能让你去到更好的地方，

我不介意幻想坚信信奉你真的好。

写写泄泄

不懂如何让自己入眠，
很累，很疲惫，可就是哄不了自己入睡。
写写泄泄，也许会比较舒服？

我其实不懂。

其实算了数学了，
我们的际遇还不足一生里的百分之五，
理智上，事实上，微不足道，
可你影响自己的，将是一生里的百分之八十，
理智上，事实上，你是生命里最长久的风景。

我真的不懂如何说服自己，
不由自主地心疼，
伤，的确伤得很，可我无能为力。

累了泪了，
每天重复着，也不知道还会多久。

鼻子酸溜溜的，
泪总爱打转的，
一直一直必需仰起头，
一直一直必需扬起嘴角，
然后挂上那很不愿意的假开心。

你很棒，
你很强，
你很厉害，
你真的无话可说，
就这样子，
就让所有爱你的人，
天天得念着你想着你，
你得瑟了吧。

真的，
窝在你和我曾经共用的外套里，
我想了好多好多，
凝望着衣柜上的那箱回忆，
我至今不敢拿下来看，
不懂自己害怕什么，
就是拿不起那一个勇气。

画着画着，
就只因为人家说画画能疗伤，
现在真的在画着了，
怕忘了你的脸吶，真的。

一个重锤锤我吧，
让我失忆好不好。

痛苦难堪，
让我忘了你吧好不好。

The 21st day.

I attended sabbath service yesterday. I attended church but I did not partake the holy communion. I was never prepared, even up till now, perhaps I don't deserve His eternal life. All I think about is you you you and only you. Listening to sermons made me grieve. 

Sundays are never good days ever after since you left. It pains me when I have to think all about what happened. During the whole sermon I was blaming the Lord Jesus. I blamed him for what he took away from me forever. I blamed Him for what has happened. Blamed for the past one and a half hour sermons in the afternoon, blamed him during my divine work in the morning at the Pengkalan Hulu while I listened to sermon. I hold all tears and I thought I managed to, until...

Until then when I prayed again. I prayed and I cried out loud all of sudden. Like a drama like that but it just happened. I felt Lord Jesus I felt God. He made me cry and I kept hearing what he wanted to tell me. He told me that he really arranged all these, He told me that being human I shouldn't be crying like that and He told me to behave. I heard him like whispering and all I did was just crying and crying during my prayer. Hard to believe that I actually heard Him, but it really happened. I couldn't stop crying but I calmed down real lots. Ups and downs, and I could only think back of what he told, to comfort my wavy soul every seconds when I reminisce again the unhappy moments.. 

It's already the 21st day since you left the world. 

Be good.

Now then I'm sure that there's really God to take care every of us. 

So please be good.

I will have to be good too. 

I miss you.

For a trip, to go home.

I'm finally home. Finally and really finally, I got to cry my lungs out. I attended church service after so long. I knew I could feel my own pain for real but at the same time I understand that I must be standing on my feet, be tough than anyone else. I have the rights to feel upset, but I can never have the rights to cry. I'm sorry darling, that I just did what you dislike the most. Heart is pain, and hands are shivering. You shouldn't be leaving. I do not know how should I accept the very fact especially I have not seen u for the past one year. Tell me how should I feel and how should I bahave. 

In my prayers there's only you and daddy and mummy and jiejie. I wish you and daddy have each other accompanied in ur journey to be at Papa in Heaven's side, and mummy and jiejie could really put the two of you down, and lead the life much better each and every day. I'm so sure that The Almighty Papa in Heaven is listening, I could feel Him with me in my prayer, I know and I'm sure, that He loves every of us. He might have arranged obstacles for us, but He will still lead us to a better way in life. 

Perhaps.. I should put it this way.. 

We human are created by Him. 

We were staying at a far away place.

We came to this world as our journey our trip. 

We came to learn.

We came to shape ourselves for a better spiritual life.

We come and we go..

Human life is just part of our trip. When we are done traveling, yes we need to go home. Or some are here to learn to study, to come for school and to attend lessons. When we are done with our trip, we have to go home, going back to His arms. When we are done schooling, yes He will come to fetch us home. In the end, His intention is nothing more than making us His good children. 

I do not know if I will feel better after having thought things this way. During my prayer just now, I feel God. I feel Him comforting me and that's the reason He made these coming to my mind. Perhaps He's right. He's the Almighty. He has his purpose in deciding our destiny..

I was crying throughout the prayer and that was awful. I have not cried this hard for so long. Life is miserable, but you learnt life haven't you darling. We are still learning. That's why we are still here..

Time forgets..perhaps..

又来了又来了

终于，

那么多事发生以后，我终于能回家了。

终于有种能休息的感觉，

能回家看看收在家里你留下的一切，

也许能在家里，真正的大哭一场。

压抑得我不懂如何哭泣才对，很累很烦，

眼眶湿湿的可是就是哭不出，真的很苦。

每天在家，怕看着天花板发呆，

就尽力地在干无聊事，

把房间弄得超级乱了然后看着它们，

一直灌着自己说说该怎么去整理，

可又迟迟不肯动手，

就这样，一直就这样。

还是很心疼，对你还是很有感觉，

不管已经过了多少个一百天了。

姐姐问我，若直到现在我们还在一起，

你也一样发生了这件事，

我会怎么样？

我坦白地告诉姐姐，我会更伤心，

毕竟如果能在一起三年半的话，

真的不是开玩笑地说，我一定是好爱你。

这样子回答，我不懂真不真，

只觉得现在已经快歇斯底里了。

挂着笑脸四处迎人，

有谁看透了我，能借我肩膀靠着哀嚎？

真的，不好受。

朋友谢谢你

嗨，朋友，
我终于看见你部落格写的一切话，
还有你，
更是谢谢你们默默地关怀着这不自爱的女人。
我完完全全懂了你们的爱，
更是谢谢你的所有的关怀。

是啊，
他和他爸爸的离开，
的确是四个女人一生中最难熬的一个日子。

希望全瓦，
期盼全灭，
一百万个不愿意期望那只是他好玩的恶作剧。
心如刀割更是百般不舍，
可真的无能为力。

心在淌血，就算过了已经6个100天。
都快两年了，没见面都一年多了，
可是再见，却只剩冷冰冰且烧焦的他，
躺着，被遮着。

拼死拼活，律齐会好好活着，会学着长大，
会活着有意义地完成他没能完成的活着使命。

读书毕业工作邂逅恋爱结婚生子，再慢慢老死。

能做的，除了依然爱他，很爱很爱，
最后只能收在心底，
能做的，也只有这些了。

只能让时间，
把这毒药变成适当的解药。

有一句话

就放下好不好，
真的，别再让身边的人和你一起痛苦了。

学习带着伤痛过生活，
好不好？

First paper done, yay.

I have been procrastinating for the entire day on Sunday yesterday. I told myself to study, to do revision, to prepare for my paper today but to no avail. I was in bad mood yesterday, even though I am real afraid of the mock test, but I just can't be bothered.

Ahh.

Maybe simply procrastinating, I was playing handphone online game yesterday. Nice game though.

Yar this is the one. Rhythm Master. I don't know if it's available on Android, but Apps Store has it. Just sign in using your weChat or QQ account! 

Ya right, from a beginner level like a dumbo, in a day time I've gone up level in such short time, you can imagine how much have I been indulging in this game.

Let's talk about something happier. I managed to answer the question, and am now a relax baby. No stress no nothing. Yay. I had prata too. Vegetarian life is really challenging, but I will survive it, for whoever's sake.

Remember I mentioned a guy whom I went to a commissioning ball with? Remember I told before I had crush on someone? Yes I did. He started learning violin, an instrument that I always wanted to learn after piano but to no avail. He can play keyboard too. However, too bad, after these thing happened, I received no messages from him, at all. Although I understand clearly that we won't be sparking in any time, due to what has just happened, due to what I think that won't let us spark anymore. Maybe he's never the right person at correct timing? Or this is not the correct timing?

I admit that I fell for him. I also know that I can never get him into any of the trouble I've been facing all while. Too much for him, I know. I'm way too complicated for him, I knew that. And I, ya, I... shouldn't be in any relationship for now. There's still someone occupying the very space in my heart. I do not know how much space could I give for the next Mr. Right.

Let destiny lead my way perhaps.


Xoxo.

多事之秋

少于十二小时就要考试了，
律齐怎么就那么没心思读书了呢？
到底在念着什么 ，
不，不懂自己念着什么，
不想说中它，害怕自己真的也许又会泪崩。

连佛脚都不想抱，
就这样颓废了整个星期日。

想着说，
自己是否是幸福的，
至少在你有生之年的最后第几个年日里，
我幸运地，能有你路过我生命中，
停留不久，却带给我永恒的回忆。
你说，那是好还是不好？

想说，谢谢你在我生命里逗留过。

安慰人的话，
让所有人放心的话，
说的头头是道，说的好潇洒。
劝诫人的确说的容易，
说服自己吗？
却永远像个不可能的任务，
却又不由自己地必需当个生还者，
一直告诫自己，
好好活着，真的好好活着。

很累，休息多久，都一样好累。
看着你妈妈姐姐在支撑着，
我恨自己无法分担痛苦，
我永远只能劝说，
永远只能尽量相伴，
希望她们别一直记起一切切不开心。

若能当个小丑，该多好。
别人永远看不见小丑的悲哀，
可小丑永远是画着笑脸对人的。
能带给身边人欢乐，我何乐而不为？
真的希望她们真的开开心心的，
比我更努力地把你放下，
鹏，你就帮帮忙好不好，
让她们无忧地度日好不好？

看见身边人痛苦，我真的很难受。
一直这样地拖着拖着什么都不想做，
我受够颓废了，给我些勇气站起来发奋图强行不行？

看了一集电视剧，叫 倾城绝恋，
那一集，又是大火，死了一人，
我心当时又痛了，
想着你临走前一切有可能的痛楚，
我不懂得怎么不心疼。

Paul Walker 也走了，
又是车祸后的大火带走他的，
是吗？那里缺帅哥好人是不是？
怎么这些日子成了多事之秋？

好了累了又泪了。
睡吧，
或着，
读书吧。

The 14th Day

Hi,

It's the 1st December 2013, time flies, and how do you do.
Everyone will be fine. Everyone, because, time forgets!

xoxo.

Just another sleepless night

I am tired, I am upset, I am exhausted, I am everything negatives, especially when it comes to sleepless night like this. I couldn't think of any bad memories in the past, but all the best ones filtered and scattered in the little mind of mine.. It pains me even more, but I simply couldn't stop walking down the memory lane..

Perhaps I really need a dream catcher.

I do not know why would I be thinking about you once my busy mind is cleared. You shouldn't be affecting me easily by now darling, but you just do. To date I still couldn't accept that you're already gone forever. I keep questioning myself, of all people, why you and your daddy? I spammed and gave all sorts of reasonings to myself and people around, I assumed and I really assumed that Papa in Heaven wants him along, even reasoned out that Papa thinks he is such a good boy that shouldn't be left out in this sinful world, as well mind fucking myself to accept the truth that this is his destiny.

Still, of all people, why him?

I couldn't hold my tears, especially when I'm alone. I really am done putting on the smiley on my face, which even I myself not sure if it's real or a fake one. Life goes on, yes life does, and you just let everyone who loves you to continue living with a broken heart, how can these possibly be done..

Let's put it this way..If you can really come back, I rather us be strangers for our lifetime, as if we never knew before. Shall this chance be given, please pretty, pretty please. Yes, perhaps Papa has the best arrangement for every of us, maybe like now, granting me another family to love me, but, you know these, you know that I don't need these, stay alive, just let you stay alive, can't He?

I hate the running tap on my face. I hate it when I couldn't have control of it. World is really unfair, to the extent of punishing me like this. Maybe I deserve a lifetime punishment, but Papa, he deserves better life than me, a lot better life than this sinner..

Please, wipe my tears off.

鹏

你的离开，

依然不真实。

告诉我你其实还在，

好不好？

压力篇，投诉篇

生活啊，
对这女孩仁慈点行不行？
律齐真的好累。

为什么让我承受不必要的压力？
为何是我必须承担的？
这工作，我很想放弃。
想回到他原来的工作岗位，
想继续他的生活，
而不是在新地方，
看着这里的一些白痴过日子。

我不喜欢压力，我甚至讨厌压力。
我不是不能承受压力，
只是不想去承受这些原本就与我无关的压力，
搞不懂的是，为什么是我。

律齐傻傻的，整天都在笑嘻嘻的。
是，她想让气氛好一点，
她不想气氛那么怪里怪气那么严肃。
这样一个女孩这样一个逗著，不好吗？
为什么这些永远长不大的男子那么不成熟甚至幼稚？
以为，我真的很想工作吗？
不是的。

我接受批评，我接受合理的要求，
可律齐不是神仙，我还到不了鹏在的地方能护着每个人。
对我好的，对我认真的，
真的真的自然而然，我会报答。真的会。
信任是赚回来的，面子是自己给的，
道理，二十多三十欧吉桑的你你你难道还不懂吗？
说真的，没人欠你们。
礼尚往来，听过吧？
我没要你们帮我，
所以其实我也没义务在经济上助你一臂之力，同意吧？

憋着的纳闷

忍不住，还是想部落。

怎么能一直保持positive呢鹏？

我真的对着这些压力，我不懂能怎么样。

很受伤，可必须假装没事般地继续生活。

不好，真的不是好日子。

不懂得怎么去取悦所有人，

一些得寸进尺，一些不懂感恩却一直怨天尤人，

好像全世界欠了他们似的。

怎么办？

为了生活得工作，可压力的自己真想无忧无虑专心读书就好。

到底想怎样？

不管开玩笑与否，说久了就会让人火恼懂不懂？

说我傻，人太好太随便，有时我承认我真是。

觉得日子不必斤斤计较，一直觉得只要对人好人家一天迟早会发觉。

可不是的。

他们不懂怎么一个主恩够用。

还在工作呢。

四年了这份工。

有时想想其实也对，什么不如意没碰过？

加油吧，鹏还不是一样熬过来了。

随随便便就好。

也许吧。

但愿吧。

The 7th Day.

It's the 7th day since you left. I privatised this blog for the time being, which is really not my intention to. I want intention from quiet readers, not busy bodies who just came for the cause of disturbing and thought-as-if-they-all-know-a-lot. I can feel the heart pain seeing hermourning on your death still. Yes I really do. Darling, how are you with Papa in Heaven? Is He treating you good? Definitely he is and will be yah.. He is the Almighty, He makes every good and bad happens. Yes indeed we all still mourn for your death, and that makes me have no rights to pull her out from the sorrows. I know that she needs time to heal, maybe a long one..but I really hope to seeing her stand on her feet again. That's who she is, who she herself supposed to be..

I still feel my own pain, no doubt, but hi each day, I promised everyone including myself to feel better each day. I do, I really do feel better when I do not need to think about the tormenting moments. Best memories love fast forwarding but the suffering ones..they played real slowly. I couldn't hold my heart pain, not even tears, and I therefore cried like a baby.. Imagine the crying has became my lullaby. Everyone misses you...

Spencer Tan Chee Phang, a name that no one will forget in any way. Be yourself in Papa's arms, with your daddy, and wait for your love ones to join you. Not me, but if in any case I see you there, I will say hi, and yah, I will still love you, but please be friend again, pinky promise.

I go to school, go to work like normal, thinking of you..like normally do. Learned to look upon the sky, smile at it, as if you're smiling to everyone else. 

I, starting from today, promise to live for you, love life for you, eat while I can, play while I still can. I will travel for you, study for us, and I promise I will get the mortar board and graduate with glory in the name of O'Lord Jesus. I will, walk the path you don't get to walk, experience life that you not managed to. Please, guide my steps, papa in heaven..

Still, sry&ily. 

又再哭了哽咽了

I will be walking with you in the memory lane, darling..

离开了多少天，我心也没停止痛了多少天。

手依然颤抖着，心底依存不信，

最后一程虽是送了，可最后一面，却也永远见不了。

鹏，叫我如何停止不由自主地想像你焦黑的身体，

叫我如何看开虽说你去了一个永恒之地，

叫我如何不哭着哭着睡着，哽咽着，再肿着眼睛苏醒。

我舍不得你，就算已经一年多没见到你。

你的声音，你的样貌，我不曾忘记。

无缘无故的泪崩，是我不对。

可鹏啊，我进步了，知不知道，

我不想让朋友们担心，

在他们面前，硬着头皮笑笑了。

可一旦离开了他们，

我哭得稀里哗啦的，

憋着真的很辛苦。

韩国七天旅，我在第二天知道了你的事以后，

根本玩不下去了。

心底除了只有痛，别无其他。

想呐喊，想哀濠，可我只能尽量控制着。

自从那日起，我睡不好，念着的只有你。

你给了我讯息，早已通知我不好事发生了，

而我却不以为意，

凌晨四点你出事了，

旁晚六点我才知道，

可之前在早上十点十一点时，

原来我已被通知了的可我不曾知道。

我去了南怡岛，租了双人脚踏车，

兴奋地踩着吹冷风时，

没刺眼，没什么影响眼睛地，

我，突然泪流不停了，一个整整十分钟，

当时候的我吓傻了，不知为何会这样，

找了不同理由企图说服自己的为何会无缘无故流泪，

可一切都是无稽之谈，我找不到原因。

又踩着双人车的自己一边擦拭着泪，

一边想着别人肯定以为我和男朋友吵架了。

一直没无线网络的我终于在旁晚六点有了讯号。

好多好多人找我，顿时吓着了。

都在问，

"hey are you there?"

"Hi dear, you there?"

"Where are you? Please let me know when you see this."

"Please reply me when you see this"

"Wru?"

"Are you okay? Please do."

"Are you still in Korea? When are you coming back?"

连你的妈妈也信息了我，

问了我， "hi dear, you there?"

我回想回去这一些问题，

我责怪自己神经太小条，

我竟然没想过有事发生了，

回复了一些比较要好几个朋友的简讯，

我退出了what's app，

然后一直想让世界知道我终于过的好好的，当然，

我先把当天的照片剪辑在一起，再摆上instagram，

满足了，我再去facebook看看别人的新状态，

划着划着，越划越慢了，

看见他死党说了他过世的话，我惊呆了，

可很快反应过来，在纳骂他又再开玩笑说白痴话了。

可也不对，不安的感觉没停止，

上了他的页面，竟然所有人写着RIP之类的风凉话，

我生气了，在想这个玩笑怎么开那么大？

面子书的整人游戏一直都有，想想这个也许是一样的吧，

可又回想了一下，说怎么有那么多人找我？

我不安了，找了一个比较要好的，要他告诉我发生了什么事。

他拨了电话viber我，叫我一定要冷静，还问我真的要现在知道吗？

还是在我从韩国回来以后，再去知道会不会比较好？

我冷冷地，不安地，

“是不是他出事了？”

“他死了。”

“怎么死？”

“烧死了。”

“开玩笑对不对？”

“报章都报导了，我也希望这是玩笑。”

“他都没回大马，哪里可能。”

“新加坡发生的火灾，爸爸也走了。”

鹏啊，我当时手颤抖着哭得稀里哗啦了。

只想着我想立刻回去，我想亲自看见否则我不信。

讯息了我的姐妹彤，她本不当这是事实，

是啊，谁会愿意相信。

她安抚了我，说会查清楚。

结果，当然只有一个。

无助的我打了电话给爸爸，

懂我性格的爸爸叫我回去吧，自己小心，

然后妹妹们不停讯息我提醒我要照顾自己，

要吃饭喝水，要加油，可我能怎么样。

换了机票，拿了最早的星期二机票，

原本要的星期一，没一个航空有。

笑话对不对。

早上九点的飞机，我在五点六点出门了，

前晚睡不好，那晚没睡到，

就一个人扛着行李箱去了机场。

航班也好好笑的在这么一个时候，

给了我人生中的第一个航班延误。

戏如人生？这些以为只有电影里有的，
怎么发生在我身上了。
从没想过，自己会有必要换机票赶着回来，
从没想过，第一次出国旅行，真的让我这么难忘。
感谢主，至少你让我看见雪了，雪好美，
鹏他没见过，我当然感谢你让我代他看见了。

First wish of snow was dedicated to you, darling.

吃不下，不喝水，只想快快到。

六小时的航班拖了变成了九个十个小时，

旁晚整七点才抵达，朋友来接机，

上了计程车，我回家放了东西洗个澡，就去了。

好辛苦，答应了好多人我不可以哭，

最后也庆幸看见了你我能尽量强忍着泪水。

呆站在你面前，默默说了好多话对不对。

整个晚上，齐和琪好好地坐在一起，

又没睡的，完成了要送你的礼物卡片，

想让它和你和你爸爸一起埋葬土里。

说了好好的，让你安心离开。

想哭，可彼此答应要笑着送你离开，

可那晚鼻酸了两次，

一次是你妈妈过来说要我们俩当她的女儿，

老师，妈妈，我当然想。我爱你。

一次是你爸爸，让我感激感动了好久，

谢谢他不经意的遗物，让我有属于自己的东西能收藏。

保险箱，是唯一一个没烧坏的、被救出来的东西，

Safety locker, the only things left..

属于陈爸爸的，

里面竟然放着了这叠纸张，我纳闷好久怎么是在保险箱里。

Thank you papa Tan, Thank you for all these efforts.

I learned to be grateful because of your unintentional act that made it my best memory today..

Words of love, papa Tan, I could not imagine how you placed them one by one and photocopied them double sided, even kept them inside your safety locker..

那些原本是一张张的卡片，

是去年12年鹏21岁生日时，

我给的其中一份礼物，

这一个，

Something that seemed to be tougher to be burnt, was gone in the fire. Unexpected things which was left for me, was not this one..

一张张，记录着经历的不同事件，

记录着一年半感情的一点一滴。

可姐姐说，爸爸鸡婆读了全部，

还把它们复印起来，笑笑问着姐姐，

“这个女孩怎么这么爱我儿子”

说着说着，也不懂为什么这一个故事集，

会在陈爸保存重要资料的保险箱里。

铁盒里的，烧不见了...

陈爸爸，谢谢你，

姐姐还说，你好喜欢我送他的另一份礼物，

鹏好孝顺，转送给你，

也让我不经意地尽了一些孝道，

说你好喜欢这皮包，

说这是其中最爱最珍惜的皮包之一。

I chose this for Stcp's 21st birthday, one of the many presents.. and thank goodness, papa Tan loved this.. Thank you, really.

从来没见过你，不过感激你，陈爸爸，

谢谢你父爱的伟大，谢谢你牺牲自己也想救他出来。

谢谢你在天国的路上会伴随他走。

谢谢你，我也爱你。

牺牲了两个人，换了一家人给我，叫我怎么觉得值得。

我宁愿我继续恨你呢鹏。

你也继续不理我要狠要我找到更好的。

懂啊，我懂。谢谢你。

可我希望你回来，宁愿我们，继续形同陌路。

鹏，和你不开心的回忆，烟飞云散了，

剩下的，竟是我们如何开心过，幸福过。

对不起，我爱你。

翻到了和你的最后合照，

竟然是去年你的生日那一天。

谢谢你珍惜那个我想方设法也想让你开心的派对，

谢谢你开心为你准备的一切切。

当时的我哭红着双眼，

纳闷哀伤不舍地与你最后一次属于两个人地静静坐着，

让你告诉我你感谢我，

让我告诉你我会放手让你飞翔，

哭红的双眼，当时谢谢你为我擦拭，

那温暖的双手，谢谢你。

那温暖的最后拥抱，谢谢你。

叫我怎么不再爱你。

墨镜，选了好久，说是送你的圣诞礼物，

或者，下一年，也就是今年的生日礼物。

不觉得你曾经戴着出门，可谢谢你，

曾经让我看见你带上它的帅。

适合吗？适合吧。

为你选的从来没错过。(':

我感激我庆幸，

一直以来很执着地不错过你任何日子，

生日派对，那一次，应该是一生中最大的了吧？

希望你再也没有遗憾。

Do you love the cake? If you do, please come back... But this is as if you're telling me you don't..

为你准备的生日蛋糕，

鹏，喜欢吗？

自己不懂哪来的精神力气，

准备人生中的这么一个大工程。

The Ferrero Love. The army you, your army life. A themed birthday cake, specially for you. Dear you, where are you..

我不会为自己庆祝生日了鹏，

真的没意思。

谢谢阿爸父让你曾经毕业吗？

这个，你Poly Diploma毕业时，

穿上毕业袍的你，真的，所有人为你骄傲。

可是，四方帽，你都还没戴过，

怎么阿爸父就这样带你走了。

告诉我何谓公平。

也谢谢妈妈，让我一起拍了个非正式也非完整的全家福。

帅帅的你，我感激，

感激你愿意穿上我选的一整套西装给你，

看着你穿的合适，我真的很开心。

谢谢你，鹏。

"Don't offer me cigarette, I have given up"

这是，我们曾经的唯一情侣装。

很好笑，字不对称，可我们好玩，而买了的。

没一起穿着照过相，是真的，有点可惜。

花了最长事件写的部落，

曾经几个小时能写出这样一个长度的部落，

可我真的，好累，好无力，

不停颤抖的手，叫我怎么好好一直写下去。

哭个没完没了，真的不是邱律齐。

陈妈妈，加油。

要好好站立，别硬撑，适当的时候哭泣没有错。

人终究是人，没能很强，不是自己的错。。

除了对不起，谢谢你，我爱你，

我真的，心很疼很疼很疼地不懂怎么办。

吃了止痛药，依然如此。

很累，真的筋疲力尽了。

你在哪里

我的心在疼，感觉更像在淌血。

曾经的精神支柱，陈智鹏，

为了你的承诺无论多假我都盲目随从，

为了你的无情无义我也都说恨你好让自己别垮掉。

曾经是多么的依赖你，

曾经是多么的护着你，

在你背后就算分手后，就算满嘴里说着讨厌你恨你，

鹏，真的还是很爱很爱很爱你，

不曾当面成全你们，

可我依然看着你开开心心没了我有了她，

我希望的是，

无论她是谁，我依然是说，

鹏开心，再怎么难接受，

我也心底最深处默默的开心祝福，

说着看你开心，分手也许是一件好事。

绝世好男人，也许当初在一起时的你，

还是个大男孩，唯一的大缺点让不了身为女朋友的我释怀，

可真的，成了阿兵哥以后，你长大了，

更帅了，更有男人味了，

可惜你的另一半不再是我。

错的时间遇上对的人，

也只能责怪自己的不自爱，

伤了你，也伤了自己，

不是所有人都会懂律齐为什么会活在你的影子里那么久，

伤痕累累了可只有自己明白为何这么一个痛，

太多背后故事，让我真的很难爬起来，

是，有很多的你们也许懂一些我不堪的历史，

可是对不起，

有些不能告诉任何人的事，

我没告知真相的全部事实，

我两年以后的今天依然没办法说出来，

可我真的希望，从我的角度出发点，

来了解我为何那么爱这个男人，

篇织什么理由都好，

让想象中的你编织出我爱他的原由，

只管懂得，

我和他，有着荒谬的爱情史。

对他的理解了解，我真的是最懂得。

从他哪天喜欢上她的那一刻，

从他哪天自个决定在一起的时日，

我没有一次说不准了，

说吧，当我信息问他时，是的，

他每一次的哑口无言惊觉不已，

也让我每一次次地相信自己对这个男人的了解。

鹏，我太爱你了吗？

对不起，真的是爱，

也庆幸好男人的你有着深爱你的四个女人，

你妈，你姐，还有她。

当我悲愤想起接受你死讯的那一刻，

真的，我有说不出的伤感，

抓不清楚的一切思绪，

唯一庆幸，有她陪你度过你死前的日子。

那段时间我无法否认你和她过着人生中最幸福的爱情日子，

也承认当初我曾给过你的爱情悲伤，

对不起，对不起...

不讨厌了，不恨了，

鹏，换得你回来，

我一定设法让你的日子更开心，

完全不介意会不会最后得牺牲的那个是我，

只要你幸福，只要你快乐更久，

我真的不会再介意任何事。

身处异地旅游着的我，

一知道这折腾人的消息，

我一味只管哭泣，

方才明白下午还不懂得这件事时，

在旅游的我无缘无故的泪流了一个十分钟，

早该察觉不妥，可我竟然不以为意，

后来冷静了回想起了终于懂了，

我原来注定要哭泣。

阿爸父，怎么在这个时候要了他？

怎么不让他好好完成活着的使命？

结婚生孩子再慢慢老死，不行吗？

非得这样把他带在身边吗？

阿爸父，就算理由再牵强，我也说服不了自己相信那是你的原由。

说，帮我一了百了解决我的爱情史？

祢越帮越忙。

说，让两个女人都得不到只有他属于主祢？

祢错了，我宁可死的是我，活的是他。

懂祢爱我们，爱他也爱我，

是，希望抹杀了，

可我疼得很，真的，

教我如何去再相信祢是仁慈的？

祢不公平。

他应该和她永远让所有人羡慕的，

祢到底明白多少？

我恨祢，阿爸父，主啊，

怎么这么绝情？怎么这么折腾人...

向祢祈祷了一个晚上，

祈祷自己淌着血的心能好好起来，

可祢，让我越来越痛苦。

责怪我没再去守安息圣日吗？

高高在上的祢，应该知道我无法踏入教会的原因不是吗？

怎么还这样，若是这样，

让他回来好了，我答应祢我会好好守道。

我脑海里想像着他焦透的身体，

我的心二十四小时无法不疼痛。

我想呐喊，我想哀涛，我不能。

不喝水，不想吃，

尽管嘴唇裂开，

我不想补充水份来变成眼泪，明白不？

我懂我不能哭，可真的不要哭，

请让我这么做。

嘴唇裂开糟糕不过你慢慢死着时的痛，

我无法想像，真的不能，太残忍了。

说你太累所以叫不醒你，太荒谬了。

能吗？我能不接受你死了吗？

心里还感觉着你存在着的，

你玩抓迷藏了对不对？

好吧，真是这样，我找你吧。

要人陪你，带着我下去吧，

想陪你多一些，

想至少能在审判日你陪阿爸父我陪撒旦之前，

我能见你多些些...

我在云霄上，我看着窗外，

我依然看不见你的踪影，到底你活在哪个美好世界的哪个角落了？

说好六年看我长大，可你现在在哪里了？

鹏，别玩了，真的别玩了。

回来好不好，好不好...

我心脏小小的，我不懂撑得了多久。