POST港後感

從香港回來了  心情一樣沒變
想你的時候想你  玩樂的時候盡情

剛剛發現了自己幹盡白癡事
看見了自己部落了的兩篇一行字  又爛到不行的文筆
“你在哪裏”
“珍珠鵬你在瑪麗”   ？！

不會刪掉  那是一部分的回憶
我不刪  嗯？

真的不懂自己在幹什麼  該笑自己還是怎樣 我真的不懂
不過我懂  那天是我在蘭桂坊的那個晚上
也許喝多了  不懂呢  記得我沒醉成如此
也許有  也或許我真的有斷片的時刻

那六天的香港之旅  真的  我愛香港
很像自己的另一個新世界  能從新開始的一個所在
可能新加坡和馬來西亞甚至韓國都讓我膽怯了吧
我看見這三個國家都有著莫名的傷感
唯獨這第四個國家  只讓我覺得  嗯  你有在 也會很愛這裡
只能是幻想  只能是想像  我懂
至少這裡不曾有過彼此的回憶  除了曾一起看的港劇吧
呵呵

你還好嗎  天上快樂的日子  還算逍遙自在吧
我也還好  日子慢慢好起來了  越來越好了
有疼我的朋友  我沒遺憾  真的

朋友問  我是不是剪了短髮啊  很好看
沒有  我還沒剪
直到我有一天找到了和我過一輩子的男人
我都會留著我的短長髮  不會是被讚許的長短髮
呵呵  我在說什麼啊我

好啦  我懶在家裡都快48小時裡  不折不扣的宅女了
休息靜養了這懶惰病加發燒病加旅遊後勞累病  呵呵
就是時候到處吃喝玩樂了

鵬  去試試香港點心和茶餐廳  你會愛上的
有空去試試啊  嗯？

祝你快樂

珍珠鹏你在玛丽

你在哪里

我想见你

分手後的818天

我在煲港劇  女人俱樂部
小詩的丈夫意外過世了  車禍
她好愛他的丈夫  丈夫也好愛她
原本幸幸福福的  就因為一輛車子
把一切都弄丟了  都沒有了

原本和家婆水火不容  可就因為丈夫的死  而有了改變
像是  原本不能冰釋的矛盾  就用了一個很大的代價  換來了解藥
看著小詩她回憶著和丈夫曾經的洋灰手印  而著樣有了感觸
感覺就像是阿爸父把不知如何解決矛盾的丈夫接回了天家
懂不懂  像是他在天上看著媽媽和妻子如何因為他  而同心了
也許阿爸父是最懂得如何讓故事有結局  有句點  只是也許殘忍了些

看著這部戲  我徹徹底底想起你了  鵬
我突然想解釋你的離開是因為阿爸父同樣把你接走了
也許因為心疼他的子女們為情所困一輩子
也許因為阿爸父曉得我真的一輩子走不出來
也許因為我走不出來而讓你也間接痛苦如何收尾
所以你走了  不在了  高高在上看著我們一個個要幸福下去
可阿爸父  代價真的太大了  我受不了
我寧願一輩子痛苦看著你結婚生子而我依然活在你影子下
我也不想這樣來換取一切  都是痛苦折磨煎熬心疼啊  鵬
像是阿爸父告訴我  「孩子啊  都別爭了  他是乖孩子  該到我這來了」
能不能時光倒流  讓他想念我啊  我寧願有他一輩子無法忘記我
也不想這樣  很痛苦  很辛苦  很難受  很受傷  很煎熬
我錯了  真的錯了  鵬

看著小詩如何歇斯底里  我鼻酸了  為甚麼這樣呢  鵬
她真的得堅強一輩子嗎  任性真的會換來一輩子的懊悔嗎？
鵬鵬鵬  我錯了  真的真的錯了

第八個一百天  再加十八天  鵬
你離開我818天了  我們分手818天了
多襯我們的紀念日八月十八818
你走後的202天  你過得好不好呢


鵬啊
願你在高高的樂園裏
能捕捉到在數不清億的網絡路線裏
我寄給你的這些每一封信
那顆真的很想你的這些信

你離開的200天

So, a fire has brought you away for an exact 200days. And you have left me..for 815 days. Wow. Time really flies. I don't know what to write exactly, but I just feel like dropping by, telling some feelings of mine. 

It seems like I'm getting into dates more, like I'm much aware of some numbers..like 818? Yah. I don't why but I just do. 

Hey you, up there, dear Spencer Tan Chee Phang, dear angel, how are you doing. I'll try to hold on to that promise, I'll try.. 

Still, I seek for your forgiveness. Sorry that you loved me. Perhaps you could have not wasted your two years of your life with me. You could have deserved better life without me... :'( 

I'm not really smiling. 

ORD 你好

如果你還在  我想你也服役出來了是嗎？

我不懂是什麼日子  可我懂是最近了 

阿兵哥  要畢業了  要準備下一個里程碑了

想像着  你一定很興奮  不停地 ORD ORD

兩年的服兵役  終於告一段落了

都是假如⋯

 

Dear Spencer Tan Chee Phang, a throwback to two years ago when I went to send you off to National service. Looking at how you became a better person, I knew I have made a correct choice to have loved you, and a horrible choice to have came to a break up. 

I couldn't track your ORD date, neither do I know how to. Hi how are you up there. (':

I could still remember how I tried to dress up to meet you, every time, throughout my efforts to want you back in my life. 

Hi Seargent Tan Chee Phang. Thanks for having me in ur life before. Be a real happy angel up there, aye? 

See you when I see you dear Stcp. 

 

給某人的話

不懂你是誰  可是今天或前至一個多月前你的所作所為讓我失望了
誒  不能這樣  真的不對的  假如你是小孩我原諒你 可你不會是
人家辛辛苦苦想了佈置了勞累了  卻被你這樣蹧蹋賤凌了
真的  爸爸媽媽怎麼教你的  我真的不懂我能說什麼
無言以對  當我見到你成果的那一刻
幼稚  就這兩個字形容你  不論你是誰

我因為這個納悶了一整天  本以為假期了不會MondayBlue了
可就是一直打破不了這藍色傳統  你還是讓我鬱悶了
我想打破砂鍋問到底  可就是海底撈針  不知何去何從
怎麼了律齊  我不懂你到底做錯了什麼  到底忍氣吞聲些什麼
底線拼命地為了某些不關事的人拼命地壓低  到底是為了什麼

真的  我原諒你  鵬也會原諒你  保佑你的所作所為  冇眼睇
別再讓我傷心了  沒東西好爭了  好不好

你好啊 天使

今天終於按耐不住  想部落了
考試怎麼了  好像不是很順利
怎麼辦  我好像心煩意亂更添

昨天病崩在床上  感覺真的很不好受
第一次  我是第一次疼成這一個樣子
疼得我吃頓飯也吃不完  午餐晚餐一併解決
昨天的我  累得莫名其妙  累得好不像話

我不想有一天  我會忘記了一切  變得我自己  忍著那一切痛
拼命重播著  我們曾經的一幕幕

很痛  很痛  很痛
沒人理解

有人說我誇大了自己對他的愛
我回答不了  我只能嘲譏自己  我不懂
我真的誇大了對你的愛嗎  真的是這樣嗎？

真的不是的  我沒在誇大
曾經  以為自己不再愛你了
可是  後來後悔莫及  因為發現自己還是好愛你
想想是這樣  是的  確實如此
我一天天更愛你了  一天比一天更愛你了

也許
曾經的自己是愛著很愛很愛我的你
現在的自己在暗戀著愛上了她的你
再後來  更是  發現自己越來越愛你

無法自拔  我不知何去何從

我想念你  真的很想念你
考試期間不敢睡太長只怕夢見你後又再崩潰
考試後想睡睡睡可是不到一下子又驚醒  又累
醒睡醒睡  很難受

什麼時候我會重新出發？
也許很快  我也希望很快  我懂你比任何人想我幸福起來
律齊是很幸福了  有越來越可愛的家人  有一班朋友  有閨蜜
還有一個很疼很疼我的一個男人
他懂我們  他明白我  他體諒我  他寬容我
明知一切自私對他不公平他不開心卻依然寬從我
鵬  我有守護天使了  可我不懂自己真的適合嗎
時機對嗎？ 他是對的人嗎？他會像其他臭男人般耍我嗎？
律齊越來越會說愛情  好會勸人的感情事  可好像越來越不懂愛情

答應你會給自己一個機會  會給未來一個路走
我希望我能好好放下你  可很難很難
兩年了多半年就快三年了  我能怎麼辦
時間好像只把傷口麻醉  它好像從來都沒愈合

考試前夕  依舊早起  可卻收到簡訊貼著圖片
我的心涼了第一次  系早上八點幾
看著你的死因聆訊  看著報導  我手又顫抖了
沒關係  我去學校
走著走著的途中  眼角瞟過的竟是你的報導
我的心涼了第二次  系早上十點幾
沒勇氣接下派給我的報紙  很痛  又很痛  又哭了
可後來後悔了  結果又找了人幫我收著報紙
就這樣  我知道我完蛋了
我根本無法縱容你在心裏卻又得麵不改色
沒關係  我告訴自己一切會好起來的
考試重要  別想了  沒用的

脾氣也越來越倔強  人更是容易疲累
我開心  我是開心  我想你  卻會變得很傷心
那種起起伏伏  那種巨大差距的心情  我還有多久才能平息

好愛你  真的  好愛
可真的  得放下了  我會慢慢地放
我不會再因為覺得虧欠  而對下一個他做出對你一樣的事
真的放下以後  我才會投入  也許這樣才是對所有人公平的良策
也是一個  彌補對你虧欠的一小步

鵬
沒人陪我說話  我又很想你了

哭过就好了

哭過就好了  傷會愈合的

歌也是這麼唱  你就聽話吧

也許因為發燒了  所以這樣容易崩潰了

沒事的  嗯  會沒事的

考試加油啊  為了那頂四方帽

還有那一個可能很好的未來

我希望我會很幸福  

會不會有很疼很疼我的男朋友

你會看顧我嗎  鵬

好好地讓你住進心坎裏後

能讓我好好地開開心心嗎

好不好  讓我想起你時  一笑而過

考試壓力大啊

加油吧

會過去的

你會沒事的

你會幸福的

寶貝啊

寶貝啊

你是不是又在深夜裏  回憶著不該回憶的過去
然後笑著笑著  又哭了

幹嘛哭泣了你
別想了  一切都過去了  回不來了
想他沒用了  他真的已經離開了

朋友一個兩個接三個地失戀了
你盡可能開導  希望他們不重蹈覆轍
可是倘若他們依然故我 不是也一樣嗎？

你絞著自己的傷疤把自己的過去比喻出來
希望能喚醒他們的勇氣
就努力就好  別永遠失去了就好
寶貝  你不是只是想讓大家明白嗎？
盡力了就好  他們不明白  也就算了好不好
方知想放下也需時間  就像你現在一樣啊
你也不花了兩年  也不還活在他的影子裏嗎？

寶貝啊

嘗試快樂再久一些好嗎？
再讓自己忙著  無論是什麼  忙著就好
你已經夠堅強了  只是還需要時間
可能當你遇上了另一個他  你也放得容易多了
你會這樣覺得嗎？

現在不就只是個過渡期嗎  就挨著挨著就會慢慢痊癒了
日子雖苦  可還是會結束對不對


寶貝啊

你不也時常聽著歌  想讓自己更強大嗎？
要不要這樣  你把他狠狠放在心坎裏吧
讓他縱容在你心裡  你也不痛  不再哭  不再心酸
不知代價是什麼  可是為了自己  為了愛你的人
勇敢一次好嗎  就那麼一次

寶貝啊

別哭了  我懂你有時還是很想他

碎碎念

嗨，鵬。

走著回家時突然淚崩了
聽著歌曲也突然落淚了
就突然就  好想好想你

想了以後  還是得回到現實

我不喜歡人家提起你  也懂人家不喜歡我提起你
他們就會覺得  你煩不煩啊？

是啊  我很煩  異常的煩  煩得我偏頭痛又犯了
絞痛著的自己只能捶啊捶  要不然就輕輕撞下面牆
我會想乾脆掐死自己算了  真的很纏人

今晚不知所措地  我又壓抑不住地  想寫寫洩洩
原諒我的不知所謂
我真的很討厭一個人面對著電腦屏幕
也討厭電腦後面的那一面牆
牆對面的另一面牆
牆牆旁邊的窗
窗口對面的櫥櫃
還有等等等
其實  房裡的東西多姿多彩  好不齊全
可是就是面對它們接近一年後的我
不想成天對著它們
到底  有藥救嗎？

碎碎念  我越來越阿婆
沒了小同陪自己一年多了  悶時自己和自己說話而已
很悶很慌很煩很亂很伯徹
我需要pillow talk

Slowly, am letting go.

It’s been months. That same sad song has been on repeat for months now, becoming the only shoulder you want to lean on as tears fall. Memories of time shared together haunt the hours and fog your thoughts. There seems to be no escape from the heaviness of loss. No way around it, but straight through the ugly shadows of ache without any comfort in sight.

Happy April's Fool.

Heylo. It's been a while since I last blogged. How are you? Let's hope you're doing pretty well there, aye?

Today's April Fool. Including me, I wish, everything happened is just an advanced preparation for this day. I wish so much, that end of today, you will go home, and you will knock on your house door, tell your beloved family and her, that it's an April Fool, and you shall receive scolding from them for having such a joke to them, and you will continue living happily ever after again, and I, shall continue with my life. 

That's should be the ending isn't it..

Seeing how much people around you have missed you, I feel empty sometimes, not knowing what position do I have to continue missing you like that. 

But don't you worry, I have someone who treated me so well, and good to me. I have people who I can rely on. Time heals. Soon. 

Continue to do well, will you. (:

A phone call from you, the last phone call from the maybe-you, on the April's Fool. :')

Another sleepless night counts.

Sleepless nights have been torturing me pretty much recently. I hate it when I tried so hard but still couldn't sleep, when I was finally asleep but awakes in less than thirty minutes later, and it just go round and round like that with the same end result. I do not know what's wrong. I sensed something bad about myself, but I shall not assume. Let's wait and see what's really happening I should. 

I could hear neighbours' alarm ringing, perhaps they are starting their new day soon, some has even left the house, at this hour. And..look at me, what am I still doing at this hour. I don't know what am I exactly been thinking about. Everything screwed me pretty well. 

I don't know if I have been missing him a lot these days, but there's also some other things that is bothering my mind. I know if things go on this way and I'm still doing nothing about this, my life is going to get really screwed like how it used to be.. I do not want that. But I couldn't stop myself. I do not know how. 

Yah. "Nobody knows when the last goodbye is". I saw this somewhere else, and I felt for it. How fragile life can be. For something or someone that you might be grateful for having of, in a blink of eyes it's gonna turn out to be a disaster in life. I couldn't get rid of these negative powers that's deteriorating me, although I know how much positive energy I'm needing now. 

I read this too. How I wish I could say it out loud, that I'm finally over you. It's been two years where I've been carrying the guilt with me, till now. I know insomnia sucks. I do hate it too. Why is it every time when I finally thought that I could already let go and get better rest, I will start sliding down the road. 

Being a sunflower who tries so hard to survive the night is a torture. I wanna survive well. Very well.. 

It's been the 4th month.

Am all stressed with the looming examination in coming May, but I can never stop procrastinating. Dear you, how are you coping with your new life? Papa in heaven will guide your life well, since you have learnt life, aye?

I have been rather particular about timing recently, not really recently but it has been quite some while, since ages ago.  I kept having looked up the same exact time which I think you know when. Besides the hectic school life, I have been busying with random things which I do not know what as well.

Shall talk to you more in my prayer. Continue to bless people in need, for 2014 have to be a better one, still..

没有你的731天。

分开两周年，快乐 ，鹏 。:')
真的不知不觉，进入第三年，没有你的日子了。
日子起起落落，我开心我又难过。

鹏，你过得好吗？

想起当初这一天，就是我人生堕落之时。
没有比这些年更糟糕的了，我没有一天不后悔。
我看见好多人，遇见不同的人事物，
想回家时，你把门锁上了。
后来，更是把家也搬了，搬得我不懂你到底在哪里了...

你会一直看护我吗？ 不懂呢。
我终究就快嫁人，迟不了多久了，律齐快老了呢。
帮我挑吧，谢谢你啊鹏。

保佑失事的马航370吧，
不懂你遇见了他们没。
不懂阿爸父接走了他们没。
可我懂得，我不希望你看见他们。

讲师的丈夫遇上了车祸，至今依然昏迷，
鹏，三月怎么又让人伤感了呢。
好好一起替她加油替他加油，看见她眼眶泛泪光，我又依墨了。
她好尽责，尽管如此遭遇她坚持上课，
她好坚强，我上课时更加想着三个月以来发生的事了。


我的好好人，
看见你的留言了，
看见你写给我听的话了，
我是少上载了，可我心底依然没变。
对不起最近真的较忙了，
可有时间，我不会忘了找你谈通宵 :)
谢谢你比好多人更关心我，
谢谢你愿意让我无事不登三宝殿，
谢谢你让我分担你的不愉快。
加油！……^^

The 105th day

I blog lesser these days. Time flies. I had my mock exams for the past two weeks and I did stupid things again. Having not known of how exactly things are going, I however hope so much that everything is in a better court. I've been happier with people around me making me happier, I just do not know how long these would last. It might not last forever, no matter how I wish it could. Maybe, or maybe not.

Work sucks. It really does. Seeing people walking around shows made me thought of how we used to do sales together. I hated myself for being still envolving in this job, really. I wanted to get out of this, but I have no where else to go. 

I don't fake my smile, my smile is always sincere, but I tends to get tired so easily when I'm alone. I dislike being alone, I am trying to work things out of what I should, but everything is just.. torturing me. Never fails to. 

Not knowing the reason, I started to be afraid of fire, out of nowhere. Neither do I cook these days, nor do I able to look into fire. I am scared. It just bring me to think of how hurt it can be being in fire. I know it hurts, I feel my running nose, I watched drama, I could feel the pain being trapped in fire, but I know I will never feel how pain you were. 

I cried again. 

The 100th day

Time flies.
How do you do..

乌龟

怎么了我，怎么怕成这么一个样。

第一次，我第一次临场退缩，不考试了。

我不懂怕什么，就是感觉没准备好。

我要颓废了是不是。

元宵前夕，那中西情人节

日子倘若过得快，未免不是件好事，

至少快快过快快活，很快就能和你们打个招呼了。

呵，这短暂的离别。

今天元宵前夕，没什么特别伤感，或许还没，但愿不会。

日子能好好过吗？苦的让我尝够了吗？甘甜能让我尝了吗？

不懂呢，如果还有，也只能静静地受。

伤离别，离别虽然在眼前，

说再见，再见不会太遥远。

重逢在天国，在茫茫人海中，会错过和你打招呼的机会吗？

焖烧锅

又活跃了，部落。

担心了，怎么办。
不是我杞人忧天，而是真的，
为什么一直有事情不断要阻挠我向前迈进。

爸妈终于将小表妹接回家了，
二姨，在天上看着她也能说是安心了，
栽培她成人的日子预了不会好过，
可爱她的那份心，真的每个人都有。

自家妹妹不懂事，可又能怎样，
嘴里劝的骂的都说了，只希望她能懂事些，
别再给爸妈添这些麻烦。
好好顾着小表妹不行吗，真的就谦让些而已啊，
虽然说不能纵着她怕会习惯一辈子，
说不能以怜悯她的方式教育她怕她活得不同，
可谁真的懂就算心里打底多爱她，也想弥补她失去的父爱母爱。

不敢离开阿嬷家，怕家里出了什么事我必懊悔一辈子，
可又想回家看看欣卉她还适应吗，顺便能说说那霸道的妹妹。
可我真的烦了烦，烦了又烦，我自答不出一个所以然。

我累，真的累。
出了朋友一直和我说话的时候，
其余时间，我是又闷又累又心寒。

自己很烦，可不懂在烦些什么。

我懊恼了。

Saddist

So my parents decided to take my Er Yi's 7yo daughter Sin Hui to our place for her primary school education. It would be rather a burden for my parents, for she's all my Er Yi and uncle left, their only daughter left for them. I don't know how the upcoming 6 years gonna be like, neither do the maybe-11-years. Everything is going to be an unknown, however, the only thing daddy and mummy are sure about, is to shape her in becoming a better human being. I feel so sorry to have to let them doing this on their own, I feel sorry for not able to see her growing up, but one thing I know, is that everyone is trying so hard to make 2014 a better life. 

I am at times worried, that how long more all these people am seeing and remembering in my eyes and soul will last. *touchwood* but I really want them to live forever. It is rather obvious that all these are impossible in the Kingdom of the Lord, but I really wish it could last. 

This is seen on Facebook, and I was in a deep thought and dilemma. 

Where life is after all a playground. 

Are we people really going back to His arm? Will we be seeing each other again one day later in a far away future? 

I have no sense of these, no more.

I am tired of people living and suffering from sickness and pain. It is nothing more but a torture. All these are tormenting me. Dear you, your death triggered all these. Are all these fated to be such? That for the rest of my life I will have to bear the pain to have lost you forever, to love you most the rest of my life. 

I have once thought, that how am I going to let you go, how our relationship going to end with this stubborn me to want loving you such. Who knows the Almighty would choose this way to end all these for us. If I would know, I would have promised to have grown more maturely to have myself with you throughout the last few years of your life. 

I do not wish to let you go. I never want to let you go. I really do miss you. I ain't strong like how people used to describe me. 

You are. You are the one boy who has the only detriment, that is to step on my heart. Every time. And you make me cry. Every time. 

The 84th day

I missed too many blog posts, two weeks posts? I missed the 77th posts way too far. Hey all of you, up there, Happy Lunar New Year. I missed too many things in life, I miss you. How's life? Perhaps I should say that I am getting used to this kind of life, where I have to keep worrying and worrying. Not a big deal though, as it is just part and parcel of life. People have been telling me that life is never a bed of roses, but what's happening now is, haha I can't see even a single rose.

How ridiculous is life treating the human beings now. 

我在向前走　卻像在退後

我在用想念　狂歡寂寞

越快樂就越失落　愛將我們高高舉起以後

再讓心　學會墜落

懷念著　寬闊的天空

雖然那裡　空氣很稀薄

我努力　想起你　笑著哭泣

讓自己　深愛你　再學會放棄

我不想忘記你　就算可以　我寧可記得所有傷心

我努力　想起你　哭也沒關係

用祝福　和感激　勇敢失去你

愛你這個決定　雖然艱辛　我不說對不起

If I were to continue every blogposts, it would rather be the same missing you lullabies. The similar feelings, the similar loving heart, and every similar words of missing you, perhaps the only difference is the way of uttering these out. 

I miss you. I really do. 

But where are you. 

Moody days.

Hi home, and hi new year, how would it be without the same thing same people and same environment? People left and people started to get lonelier and lonelier as years go. How would it be for a new year without you? I can't imagine that. I just know that the elderlies at home gonna feel terribly bad for this new year..

God, if you do exist, please guide everyone.

The 70th day

Time flies, again I say every time I post. I missed the 63rd post, ya because I birthday girl right, busy mah hahaha... Life still sucks. I do not know how many bad things gonna happen in my family after you it is so much like a curse. What have I done really that wrongly to deserve all these..?

Can I count?

After you and your dad, my Er Yi.
Then attention seeking waipo attempted suicide and fainted but refused to go hospital;
One or two weeks later, my 16yo cousin bro was admitted into PICU and got his cancer diagnosis;
Another one week later right after my pre bday celeb, my Er Bo fell off during work at work site;
At the same time, my Er Jiu got admitted into ICU and got dengue fever which since Er Yi's passed;
One week later, grandpa fell down inside toilet and started to have deterioration;
Again at the same time, grandma had high fever and suspected dengue and very low platelets;
And my mum... UGHHH.

OK CAN. IN TWO MONTHS TIME...

In just two months time bullshits never stop happening. Hey what happened? Some people just do not know how do I exactly feel, they judged using their rational logic just because they have not been through all these themselves. Actually one or two person. I need something to really let me rely on. I rather keep mourning on his death than facing all bullshits that you claim that it's part and parcel of our lives. WHO DO NOT KNOW THAT. But they all came in one shot. In two months time. Just a bloody short two months and I simply do not understand WHY. You don't know how dearly all of them to me. You don't know what I have been through. You don't know that I really love them REAL LOTS. Things can really make me crazy. I don't need you to teach me what to do, I know it clearly than you do.

If you do not know, sometimes I just need to cry it out.. But you do not know any. No more. You're getting further and further.

Ugh. Other platforms are sometimes better. Different platform has different ways of throwing different tantrums. Yea life goes on, darling you said this always. I know it clearly but it is just torturing when I have to see all these happened one by one. I am afraid if I would get numb one day. I am so much afraid that my feelings gonna really get shut down and I don't feel any anymore. I feel pain. I still wish to cry for person I love when they are leaving because they are whom I wanted to care the most. I am really afraid. I still wish to feel the pain, but it just heal too fast, sometimes it comes, sometimes it disappears, sometimes it goes, in a blink of eyes. I am afraid when I can really smile and laugh once I am outside with people, I don't feel sad neither do I feel like crying. If this is a really good sign, I wouldn't mind, but if things gonna get worse, please stop me. Someone please make me cry out in public. I beg for this, really. Do me this favour.

What happened to my new year reso? I just wanted life to start getting better, but how come it goes completely the opposite way..

Life, please do me good favour..


Please.

Dear Diary, Sorry Diary.

Life's a little..actually it's quite messy these days, to the extent that I have no time to update anything even if I wish so much to. Soon, soon and I'll keep this updated dear diary.

Life?

F

U

C

K 

T

H

I

S

L

I

F

E

世界上最短的诅咒就是你的名字

我觉得好冷，在医院里病人就算不是我，我也一样感觉好冷好冷。

看着坚强的他我很是欣慰，不懂几天以后还能依然这样开朗吗？

但愿如此嗯，要好好加油，姐姐爱在心里口难开，尤其对你这个大孩子。

妈妈忧郁忧郁似的，说真的我真的有点害怕，就算其实不算是害怕。

二舅入院了两次，说他差点中风。唉，人生。(:

我以挥霍来抵制心中的一切闷闷不乐，很受伤，也好像没事。

想着陈智鹏这三个字，又得祈祷自己能够好好的了，别想别想，噢。

听到了很让我咬牙启齿的事情，我不懂可以如何反应，

也许既来之则安之吧，缘来缘去。

因果报应，一定会有的，要相信。

好了累了，不说了，好困，好难过，晚安。

谁值得感恩

叔叔打了通电话，让我一天代替他们照顾堂弟。
我也听听了一些诉说，让我不知该感慨或怎么样的。
证实了是癌症，需要化疗，虽然痊愈率很高。
我不懂该感恩吗？
不明白，为什么明明不该发生的事情，祢让它发生了，
让我和所有人伤痕累累了你再来说，噢其实还是有希望，
然后要这些寄托于你的人向祢感恩，说，恩典够用？

阿嬷也懂了这些消息，她伤心了，
让我心疼的一句话，莫过于“最近为什么不好的事都来家里？”
我不知怎么去安慰，不知怎么能安抚她，
好担心，真的好担心。

我说，想要好日子，日子想要在今年慢慢好起来，
可祢嫌我不够伤，祢再加了机关枪，轰了我几回，
再来告诉我一个没那么坏的消息，让我觉得，
噢，日子好像真的慢慢好起来了。

我依然想相信主宰命运的祢，
可是一切切的大便真的打击我的信心不少，
说什么一大堆，最后的枪弹还是我挡着。

今天星期一，上了一整天的课，我真的好累。
吃得撑撑的，好让自己能打瞌睡，再大睡一觉。
肚腩，也就那么一个样子有了。

身边我爱的你们，能发自内心地笑给我看吗？
我希望你你你，好好地笑，真诚地笑，
苦日子能结束的，你能决定的，好不好？

我想就算是我一个人时，也能开心地笑着。

The 56th day

Time does fly and problems after problems and it doesn't seem like stopping any sooner. I wish only one thing for new year where 2014 could start to be better. In fact it does not, but more and more tragedy-like things happen like there's no tomorrow. It sounds more like my doomsday, which I hope not. I talk a lot when I see friends, I laughed like a total siao ginna, I put on smile whenever I could. I have tried this hard, but life never fails to disappoint me in any.

I really am tired, seeing all these that happened. Perhaps you would tell me, to look through life and death. Or maybe I realised it so well, that life is cruel, but I never thought it would happen like a short gun, one by another one. Life sucks sometimes when I especially know nothing about tomorrow. It is like you gonna pay for your smile on your face. You try to be happy, but it is more like 'to be happy, you have to give this and this or that in exchange". Why do life being this fair to people I love? I know I shouldn't let life cripples me but I really had no choice. It is like, whatever I do, it is wrong, still wrong and never right.

Are y'all doing fine up there? Enlighten me, for I don't wanna be so helpless especially when I urged so much to want lending my hands. I do not want to be a useless freak who could only see people around me suffer but I can only do nothing.


Guide my life.
I had enough of these heart attacks.

心在淌血

世事难料，一切不愉快让我觉得日子很是沧桑。

懂不懂这些悲伤，让我不懂能怎么坚强。

每晚的唉声叹气似乎平息不了心中的一切伤感。

我还是不明白，

怎么一切切的一切切以后，还是要给我这些大便扛着。

让我什么都做不了却只能看着他们痛苦，说穿了我也真的很难受。

表妹不乖，真的难以想象真的把她接过来以后是要怎么顾好她。

她叛逆她不听话，可每每想着她自小失去双亲，我更多是心疼。

只能处处包容谦让，想让她感受更多亲人们给的爱，来弥补她失去的。

可真的可行吗？多年后的她我很担心。我想让二姨二姨丈安心，真的想。

担心家里四个老人家—阿公阿嬷外公外婆。

担心他们真的越来越老了，坏嘴巴也说，他们迟早一天会离开。

我不想再失去任何一个人。

他们年事已高却都经历白头人送黑头人，教我怎么安慰他们？

大伯走了也快六年了，可我看得懂他们其实还想念他，就连我也是。

看着空荡荡的房间，我依然会想着大伯在那里进进出出，真的很想念。

堂弟也患上癌症，年纪轻轻的，不仅仅他，就连我也接受不了。

那么聪明伶俐的孩子，这些波折真的要这样搞垮他吗？

同样也有癌症的婶婶妈妈，看着自己的孩子这样，我也担心她病情会恶化。

看着，我都只能看着陪伴着，什么都做不了。

痛着的还不仅仅这些，还有你和你爸爸。

意外，带走了大伯，也带走你们两个。

教我怎么不想崩溃？

经过任何一个和你走过的角落，我痛彻心扉。

除了这样我不懂怎么去形容。就是痛之极。

我一直想部落，可一直拖着拖着到了今天，

再不写写泄泄，我知道我脑袋真的会爆炸。

我不想听闻不想看见，

能是一只开心的鸵鸟我心甘情愿。

泪崩个没完没了，天注定

说真的，不坚强了行吗？
一波未平，另一波又起，到底想怎样？
为什么2014年又给我个烫芋头。

你们坚强啊，癌症真的好可怕，
我不懂这些原来可以那么地缠人残忍。

走了的你们，保佑留下来的所有人好不好。
我不行了。

The 49th day

Time flies. You and daddy left for this long, and my Er Yi left for a week plus already too. I don't know what else more I could say, except the pain that lies in me up till now.

Thank you, it was a blessed 49th day indeed.

Hey yo, I am soon a 22yo, if I were to follow the lunar calendar am said a 23yo. I have been living for a soon 22 years, and life has gone thru the peak and low. I should be thankful for what I am having now.

It is really good to stay alone, that you don't have to worry that anyone could then bother your sorrows. However, somehow life sucks when you need reading eyes and listening ears but you have none.

2013, HAHAHAHAHA. It was just another heartbreak despite those happy moments I had.. I am loved, I liked, I loved, I hated, I forget, I forgave.

Mind is bursting. That's all.

Still thank you.

It's hard to say goodbye

I missed the 42nd day post when my second aunt passed away. Life sucks. I didn't even get to update anything for this new year. Another bad year after 2012, and 2013 was bad too. This is another year, good or bad one? I really don't know. When you're fated to go through these bullshits, you just have to. I hate it. I really do.

New Year reso, I have been telling people when they asked, and most of them should know: 2014 need not to be good in a night time, but please, start to get better. I pray. Please stop anything bad starting 2014. It pains me whenever I have to think about all these..

Breast cancer is something real scary, I think same goes to the other type of cancer too, aye? Sucky day at work when I got to know that her situation is kinda critical, and could leave anytime. Do you know how I reacted to that? Rationally I called up friend to tell him help finding people to replace me for work, but I ended up feeling bad for letting people to find a replacement in hours time, and I thought I REALLY THOUGHT she could at least go thru new year and I therefore told them that I could continue working for one more day, so that they could have more time to look for replacement..

I WAS WRONG. Totally wrong.. when I got the phone call from sister telling me that she left.. It was another heartbreaking. I was shivering. O'Lord tell me why these happened? I know I know that this is the best way for her to end her pain and her suffering life, but why get her this disease in her life, why end her life when she was supposed to enjoy her entire life when her children get to be filial to her. She could have waited the day to come..

I hated the cousin whom I not even really met for few times after I've lived for this 21 years. I hated especially her. WTF SHE'S YOUR MOTHER WHAT IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO PAY HER LAST RESPECT YOU TELL ME? BEING THE ELDEST AND THINK BACK HOW SHE PROTECTED YOU WHEN SHE WAS STILL CARRYING YOU IN HER STOMACH?! THE DRUG ADDICT HUSBAND KICKED HER AND SHE PROTECTED YOU WITH HER LIFE. WTF WTF WTF DID YOU JUST DO TO REPAY HER?! I shall say no more perhaps. I have been holding on my anger calling you "DA BIAO JIE" in front of my aunt, ya perhaps you're still blind folded not knowing the truth behind everything, but please, even your brothers could think better than you to pay last respect for the mother. SHE'S YOUR MOTHER!! NO MATTER HOW YOUR FATHER'S SIDE MIND FUCKED YOU SHE'S AFTER ALL YOUR MOTHER! Use your bloody brain to think, you should be able to think better when you're mother of TWO children. Damn it. Because of Er Yi, I swallowed all my anger and let the funeral to be at the very peace. I wanted to scold you and even giving you a slap hoping you would wake up from your nonsenses.

You bloodily got her last will vanished. AND I HATE YOU. Karma. You will receive it, for what you have done, seriously.

Two heartbreaks in two months wtf.

I hate it when I myself already feeling the very pain, I still have to comfort the people around me. Can I just die as well. I hate life. I really do. Dear Stcp, guide me. I know you're fine, but if you happen to see my Er Yi and Yi Zhang, please help to take care of them with your daddy. Tell them that all of us will be good.

It's really torturing me. Hell no I can never cry out in front of people anymore no matter how much I feel like. BULLSHIT LIFE. YA O'LORD, TAKE ME AWAY TOO IF YOU REALLY NEED TO TAKE ANY. ME!!!! NOT THEM ANYMORE. NO MORE!!!!

Er Yi, please rest in peace. I promise that I will love Xin Hui more, yes I will do.
Dear Stcp and Daddy, rest in peace too, for I will love mummy, jiejie and ur family and take the very best care of them when I still afford to.

KILL ME PLEASE.

痛

这是糟糕的一个年头，可却有着美好时光在里头，

好坏参半，我无从否认，这一年是有多姿多彩。

失去你失去爱情失去了所有回忆，

我多期望身边有护我一生的人。

没心部落，我只懂我很失落。

没心情写太多，我懂我写不出了。

就这样，我需要时间。

I am scared

Can somebody tell me why must shit happen one after another. Please. Don't tell me you Almighty can't do these. Please build my faith again towards you. I wish to believe your ability O Lord. You have taken him and his daddy away. NO MORE PLEASE. NO MORE PEOPLE I LOVE THAT YOU CAN TAKE AWAY PLEASE.

Take me away instead, please. If you ever need anyone just pick me. Just take me away. Let all of them live longer than me. Please. I beg you.

I am scared. Real scared.. Please, stay healthy. I love you.. 

鼻酸

遇见了一个人，工作认识的，在我工作时。
原来他也认识你的，他也原来懂我是谁，
看见了我他过来打了个招呼，
问我说 诶你不是XXX的XXX吗？
我说，哦你认识他啊，
他说嗯，更懂你离开了，
问我说怎么两个分手了，
因为看见报导放着你女朋友的照片，
说奇怪怎么看都不像我，
当然啊，都分手了怎么能像我呢。
我苦笑了，可得客客气气地回答，
心都开始揪着痛了，
有时候好佩服自己忍痛的能力，真的。

喜欢打字时不停地HAHAHAHHAHA不然就哈哈哈，
像个傻婆在到处笑也其实不懂我在真的笑或是怎样。

刚刚又吞了胃痛药，怎么我一直忘了吃。
忘了过后懒了，就这样有一天。

可今天挺开心的说，
朋友说我脸比较尖了，瘦了。
是啊，圆鼓鼓的我终于能瘦回一些了。

也许值得开心。

今天和你妈妈聊了我的爱情观，
其实我也不懂自己想什么，
自己到底要什么，
懂啊，你要我开开心心的我懂，
我有很努力这一年多两年来你一定有看到的不是吗。
你也应该懂我尽力了，不是吗。

真的勉强不来，
你不再喜欢我，我勉强不来，
就像你的好朋友，就算他多喜欢，真的也勉强不来。
我不懂怎么去让他了解，
觉得对不起可又真的我不能心软。

爱够了，我好累好疲惫。
我想安安静静地过生活，让我继续缅怀你也好，
放不下你也罢，
让我静静地活着再慢慢病死老死都行。
当然想要个踏实的肩膀靠着，
可真的又好累，不敢也不知如何再往外面的世界踏足。

别再骂我了，对不起。

The 35th day

I have once prayed 2013 to be a good one, at least a better one even though I did not make it to a count down and I had the worst ending for the 2012. I thought it had gone better ever since I knew these new friends in Singapore, like Seow Hung, Hui Hui, Tong, Jie Xiang, Mayer, Zhi Huan, Lao Da, especially, they really pulled me away from nightmares. I start to know what life is about after a year of hardship I went through. I feel glad, because I still have my sisters-since-young who cared so much about me like lingirl, chyi, leesin, yan, and jie, who never failed to try cheering me up with whatever they can do to. I should have appreciated these.

But shit never choose to stop happens. Look at where are you now, not even in the crowd, and there's no more way that I can see you again.. Maybe, during the day of judgement, maybe..

WHERE ART THOU.

你好吗？

我好像一个失了忆的女人，
开始慢慢记回过往的回忆，
头疼地突然记起，
心也日愈感觉疼痛，
可是为了不想忘记，
只能拼命地把他们打出来，
就因为我不想错过你的任何一个小回忆。

大大小小，
所有所有，
真的，
我好想念。
日子难过日子过，
我看着一切切，
我害怕死亡，真的。

别再这样了。
每个人都好好活着可以吗。
我真的快崩溃了。

在飞机里若要能好好过只能这样。

你呀你，我真的不懂怎么处置你。

梦见关于你的，其实大概大概都忘了，

只能靠着当时一清醒写下的维特，

来试图想起当初梦见你的起与落。

记得清楚的，是你变得，好看了。

一年多没见，真的你看起来终于更稳重了。

好吗你？想你，真的好想你。

我想责怪自己为什么每当一想起你时的那股心疼，

一直一直想，结果一直一直痛。

二姨她，我好希望她没事，希望她健健康康的，能保护她吗？

我不懂还能顶着多少次看着爱的人们离开我，

我曾经那么天真的以为，我真的是被上天庇佑的女孩，

有过两个曾经那么爱我的男孩，尤其是你。

除了游戏游戏游戏不说，你真的其实很疼我，只是我领悟得慢了好慢好慢了。

结果我现在才明白，我不是被保佑的，我是来受罚的，

也许是因为我干了无可饶恕的罪，主耶稣基督才会这样来惩罚我，

让我看着身边人的生老病死。

想想当时候的你我，我外公病重入院了，

你是多么的替我着急，陪着我去搭巴士，

结果发生了不愉快的事，我在半途被放下车，

让我在高速公路上走着去车费站。

哽咽着地告诉你以后，你好生气好生气的，我一回来下巴士，

你就带着我就气冲冲去找他们，只怕你会控制不了的我，拼命地拉着你，

结果必需比你凶地责问讽刺着他们为何会干出这种事来，

我们俩最后还是得不到什么满意的答复，去了第二次，还是一样。

那时起，你就让我从新山上车，一定陪伴我到车站，等我车开了以后你再离开。

假如，

我能更早带你见我父母家人，我们的感情是否会更加坚固？

更不会到最后这样输给了时间你朋友及我家人。

你和我的多数家人，其实都有碰面的机会，

我公公婆婆爸爸妈妈叔叔婶婶，对不起，让你当初只能窥望他们，

当时的自己有着残忍的过往，只觉得一切必需妥妥当当，一点差错都不能有，

只是没想到，结果还是错了。

他们其实也窥望过你，

他们其实说没再反对我交往，

他们其实告诉我有你照顾我他们好放心，

可是他们从来没说，我也就从来都不懂，只能一直这样与你爱着活着，

知道最后分手了，说这些也许算是你的解脱。

我不懂自己可以责怪谁，除了我自己。

我错了，真的太多太多遗憾，我好希望，能再来一次。

这飞机好颠簸，摇晃得好厉害，

在飞机里这样敲打着键盘，我心疼得好厉害。

讨厌在一个人的时候，一定不由自主地想起你，

还有我们的过往，和我还温存的回忆。

原来我们的回忆其实有更多更多，只是日子久了，真的慢慢地不记得了，

别人提起，我才想起，要不然，那些回忆在心坎里，也许一辈子也挖掘不出来。

有回忆，其实偶尔很不错，

不用我去诉说你我，有着和你在一起的朋友，

都能告诉我你曾经如何爱我，

我又如何不懂怎么珍惜，结果一直错下去。

为什么身边的人都这样

担心，很很很担心，

我不想任何人再离开我的世界。

家里人病情告急了，

听着说医生也束手无策，我甚感心寒。

为什么一波未平一波又起。

把头发剪得短了，烦恼丝本该离开我，

怎们烦恼丝的灵魂好像还附在剩余头发上，

一点也没少掉。

很害怕，很无助，我无能地不懂能分担些什么。

让每个人好好活着不行吗，

为什么这样一个个考验，有完没完呢。

我拿不出信心，我拿不出勇气面对死亡。

是不是如果我选择离开身边所有我关心的关心我的，

我就不用面对这些？

孤独也许没那么不好，

至少不用一次次去经历这些幸福以后再残忍地被夺走。

真的很迷惘，不懂我还能怎么乐观地想。

因缘具足，生死皆自在。

也许是的，也许说的正确。

可是一个人从开始到结束都孤独着，

真的比幸福一千一万倍以后一切才被夺走来的好。

不懂，很很很乱。

今天十二月十七日

一个月了，就这样一个月了。
彻夜难眠，心情根本就无法很好，
一想起，心情就沉入谷底。

这个世界有一种孤独，别人永远不懂。

属于我们的盒子，爸爸终于将他从橱上扛了下来，
我有着不一样的感动，感动着爸爸做的，
可倔强的我，还是选择不言不语，
很坏很倔，可我不懂可以怎么做。
就发脾气发了整个晚上，实在不应该。
和妹妹吵了一架，就这样我辛苦了，
全家人也陪我折腾了。

我不懂，真的不懂为什么那么莫名奇妙，
为什么心情突然的下沉，到我真的不知如何是好。

早上醒来，我一直能直视的橱上那箱盒，
突然间不见了，我顿时吓醒了，
第一个感觉，会不会是爸爸生气了丢了，
结果发现，它其实在客房，好好地摆在那里。

我松了一口气。

慢慢地靠近它，我好紧张，真的心跳好快。
真的，我不懂自己为什么需要这样子。

不哭了，不哭了。
不懂为何再也无法哭泣了，
就算伤心心疼心碎，我就是一副强女人样，
你说过你不喜欢女强人，而我偏偏越变越这么一个样。

对不起啊，真的。
你离开我多久了，怎么这些日子里就是无法抹掉你。
为什么占据了心中越来越大的位置，
让我容不下其他的人，为什么。

我昏沉沉昏沉沉地睡了整天，
不舒服就是不舒服，怎么办。
一天内感觉特别累，很累很疲惫的那种。
到了旁晚，好不容易，终于较清醒了，
就这样，迟了部落，一切都迟了。

我想你了，真的。

没人明白，那就算了。讲不明白，也就算了。

就到此为止吧

我也受够了这些

好过，好过，好难过

笑了是笑了，可苦了却哭了，而累了就泪了。

今天乐了一整天，好好的一个心情，
原本我还真的很爱这一天这么样的一个庇护着我，
因为根本就是这样奢侈兼无忧无虑的生活，
让我的灰色天空增添了一丝丝的红橙黄绿蓝靛紫，
可一踏进家门，想到的又是同一个你，
苦的还是自己，不能睡就是不能睡，
撑了撑了撑了，第二天就成了熊猫妹。

鹏鹏鹏鹏鹏。

能每天每时每刻都不需要想到你吗？
想到你就只有哗然的心疼心痛，
我无能为力也无法自拔只能眼睁睁看着自己折腾自己。

这个女人好累好累，只能一直让物质来麻痹自己，
那样一个日子还有多久多久才称得上是个好日子？
我控制不了，懂不了，明白不了。

只能一味接受你遗留下来我一辈子的惩罚，
也只能唉声叹气却力不从心地接受命运的安排。
那些日子，是苦涩的，是酸溜溜的，是咸嗒嗒的。
也许我真的只能这样了，这样在苦日子中苦中作乐。

今天尽吃了好多好多的甜食，
也许有空余时间再上传吧，我好累，
这样麻痹自己其实真的真的不是普通的累。

是啊，
我十分非常真的48害怕自己难过，
可让我更虚脱的，是我控制不了自己打架的脑袋，
我也想让自己不要那么难过，
除了狂吃甜食我不懂还有什么出路可征服。

一样地给自己上了好多堂关于你的课，
补着习，都是教诲教育着陈智鹏回忆录，
教着我如何记得你记得爱记得回忆，
再让着本能一生受用，
结果律齐，就这样忘了忘记。
上课时也说了，要对自己懊悔的人事物负责任，
结果律齐，就着样甘心受罚一辈子了。

可是，真的，在这爱情的道路上，
我们都走偏了，不是不爱了，而是不对时日了，
结果跌下山崖，

就那一失足成千古恨，再回头，已是不可能。


晚安。

The 28th day

It's been a month. Hi how are you..up there? Doing fine? I know you will be. This week is rather peace for me regardless my mood my mind my emotion. I have been controlling really well. Time heals although not perfectly. Whenever I miss you too much, I Dayre, and hence made up the reason why don't I blog so often over here. Maybe some platform is way better to utter my feelings. Escapism is needed and thus, I am everywhere blogging, as long as I find myself comfy, as long as I don't cry, as long as I don't feel too much pain.

Some friends asked about you. I told them, but the heart is really aching. I masked myself up and that doesn't really seem to work well. I feel so much suffocated when it comes to thinking of you. I miss you even more, ever since the day we broke off, more and even more, day by day.. I really don't know how long this will last. You never seem to disappear from my mind, since the break up, even since the day we first met.. How could you be so influential? I really don't know.

I said this, but I think I'm saying it again..

There are people who discussed about us, like literally asking me wtf am I doing to still linger around the past and not moving on still, even after a year plus, and I don't even look like I will do few years later.

Perhaps I can only answer you doubt this way..
ONLY IF I know the reason why.. You think I don't wish to get rid of these? I simply can't.

It's been a year going two. I don't know how to make some people understand this, maybe they just won't. Sometimes, it's because they never tried to love someone this much before. I don't blame, but don't provoke my rights to these.

Tormenting moments and I've bold myself to try serving myself a better life. Although I am suffering, I promise myself that everyday, I will mask myself up facing the world. No more Facebook saddist posts, neither detailed blogposts, nor frequent instagram posts, lesser tweets, sometimes Dayre.

I.. have came to a point where I realised that I don't actually have to please everyone. I will really go mad if I don't have any platform to free myself. I just do not wish to trigger sadness when seeing all him-related posts, and that's why I have been quite reluctant to share my blogpost but at the same time I really do not wish to privatise my blog, due to some very reason, forgive me, but just..

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

I'm not feeling less pain than anyone he cared. At some point it's really equally or worse. How should I cure the heart break. I've been a heart breaker, breaking others' and being broke by others. Tell me about it..

I have been eating a lot recently. Congrats, for I've gained weight.

xoxo.

晚安

知道你现在没在恋爱，整年不见以后，

不懂你实在在哪儿，一切真的都埋葬土里了吗？

你在干嘛？

你在哪儿？

以往，能给自己答案，

说，噢你在陪陪女朋友讲电话，

说，噢你在辛苦却不亦乐乎地锻炼着，

说，噢你在哪里哪里庆祝着什么重要的日子，

说，噢你在睡着觉还是很累了就很沉很沉的那一种，

结果这次，永远在睡着了。

鹏，

我听过睡美人，

没听过能有睡男人呢，

要相信这是个现实的世界啊鹏，

根本不会有童话故事出现的好不好。

起来告诉身边你爱他们他们也爱你的好人们，

说这是迟来的愚人节惊喜吧，行吗？

现在，问着你在哪儿你在干什么，

我自认答不上嘴，只能靠着想像力，

把你推崇最美好的地方，让心灵好过些，

可你真的在哪里，也许真的只有我们再遇见了，

我才会懂得吧。

会再见面吗？

那个世界存在吗？

生活是都一样美好吗？

如果痴信能让你去到更好的地方，

我不介意幻想坚信信奉你真的好。

写写泄泄

不懂如何让自己入眠，
很累，很疲惫，可就是哄不了自己入睡。
写写泄泄，也许会比较舒服？

我其实不懂。

其实算了数学了，
我们的际遇还不足一生里的百分之五，
理智上，事实上，微不足道，
可你影响自己的，将是一生里的百分之八十，
理智上，事实上，你是生命里最长久的风景。

我真的不懂如何说服自己，
不由自主地心疼，
伤，的确伤得很，可我无能为力。

累了泪了，
每天重复着，也不知道还会多久。

鼻子酸溜溜的，
泪总爱打转的，
一直一直必需仰起头，
一直一直必需扬起嘴角，
然后挂上那很不愿意的假开心。

你很棒，
你很强，
你很厉害，
你真的无话可说，
就这样子，
就让所有爱你的人，
天天得念着你想着你，
你得瑟了吧。

真的，
窝在你和我曾经共用的外套里，
我想了好多好多，
凝望着衣柜上的那箱回忆，
我至今不敢拿下来看，
不懂自己害怕什么，
就是拿不起那一个勇气。

画着画着，
就只因为人家说画画能疗伤，
现在真的在画着了，
怕忘了你的脸吶，真的。

一个重锤锤我吧，
让我失忆好不好。

痛苦难堪，
让我忘了你吧好不好。

The 21st day.

I attended sabbath service yesterday. I attended church but I did not partake the holy communion. I was never prepared, even up till now, perhaps I don't deserve His eternal life. All I think about is you you you and only you. Listening to sermons made me grieve. 

Sundays are never good days ever after since you left. It pains me when I have to think all about what happened. During the whole sermon I was blaming the Lord Jesus. I blamed him for what he took away from me forever. I blamed Him for what has happened. Blamed for the past one and a half hour sermons in the afternoon, blamed him during my divine work in the morning at the Pengkalan Hulu while I listened to sermon. I hold all tears and I thought I managed to, until...

Until then when I prayed again. I prayed and I cried out loud all of sudden. Like a drama like that but it just happened. I felt Lord Jesus I felt God. He made me cry and I kept hearing what he wanted to tell me. He told me that he really arranged all these, He told me that being human I shouldn't be crying like that and He told me to behave. I heard him like whispering and all I did was just crying and crying during my prayer. Hard to believe that I actually heard Him, but it really happened. I couldn't stop crying but I calmed down real lots. Ups and downs, and I could only think back of what he told, to comfort my wavy soul every seconds when I reminisce again the unhappy moments.. 

It's already the 21st day since you left the world. 

Be good.

Now then I'm sure that there's really God to take care every of us. 

So please be good.

I will have to be good too. 

I miss you.

For a trip, to go home.

I'm finally home. Finally and really finally, I got to cry my lungs out. I attended church service after so long. I knew I could feel my own pain for real but at the same time I understand that I must be standing on my feet, be tough than anyone else. I have the rights to feel upset, but I can never have the rights to cry. I'm sorry darling, that I just did what you dislike the most. Heart is pain, and hands are shivering. You shouldn't be leaving. I do not know how should I accept the very fact especially I have not seen u for the past one year. Tell me how should I feel and how should I bahave. 

In my prayers there's only you and daddy and mummy and jiejie. I wish you and daddy have each other accompanied in ur journey to be at Papa in Heaven's side, and mummy and jiejie could really put the two of you down, and lead the life much better each and every day. I'm so sure that The Almighty Papa in Heaven is listening, I could feel Him with me in my prayer, I know and I'm sure, that He loves every of us. He might have arranged obstacles for us, but He will still lead us to a better way in life. 

Perhaps.. I should put it this way.. 

We human are created by Him. 

We were staying at a far away place.

We came to this world as our journey our trip. 

We came to learn.

We came to shape ourselves for a better spiritual life.

We come and we go..

Human life is just part of our trip. When we are done traveling, yes we need to go home. Or some are here to learn to study, to come for school and to attend lessons. When we are done with our trip, we have to go home, going back to His arms. When we are done schooling, yes He will come to fetch us home. In the end, His intention is nothing more than making us His good children. 

I do not know if I will feel better after having thought things this way. During my prayer just now, I feel God. I feel Him comforting me and that's the reason He made these coming to my mind. Perhaps He's right. He's the Almighty. He has his purpose in deciding our destiny..

I was crying throughout the prayer and that was awful. I have not cried this hard for so long. Life is miserable, but you learnt life haven't you darling. We are still learning. That's why we are still here..

Time forgets..perhaps..

又来了又来了

终于，

那么多事发生以后，我终于能回家了。

终于有种能休息的感觉，

能回家看看收在家里你留下的一切，

也许能在家里，真正的大哭一场。

压抑得我不懂如何哭泣才对，很累很烦，

眼眶湿湿的可是就是哭不出，真的很苦。

每天在家，怕看着天花板发呆，

就尽力地在干无聊事，

把房间弄得超级乱了然后看着它们，

一直灌着自己说说该怎么去整理，

可又迟迟不肯动手，

就这样，一直就这样。

还是很心疼，对你还是很有感觉，

不管已经过了多少个一百天了。

姐姐问我，若直到现在我们还在一起，

你也一样发生了这件事，

我会怎么样？

我坦白地告诉姐姐，我会更伤心，

毕竟如果能在一起三年半的话，

真的不是开玩笑地说，我一定是好爱你。

这样子回答，我不懂真不真，

只觉得现在已经快歇斯底里了。

挂着笑脸四处迎人，

有谁看透了我，能借我肩膀靠着哀嚎？

真的，不好受。